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The Answer!
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Are you unhappy and upset and believe that some important knowledge crucial to living a joyful life has been denied you? Find the missing piece of the puzzle you've been seeking all your life here
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Well, this is just wonderful! I come back, throw open all the windows, dust down the cobwebs, vaccum the carpets, polish the furniture, eject Twitchy, the resident vermin (well, change his straw, give him some fresh food and water and settle him in the garage at least), light the log fire, turn down the lights, plump the cushions, get the brown ale and pork scratchings ready for Theland, uncork the wine and lay out the cheeseboard and grapes for the rest of us, put my posh frock on, along with lashings of mascara, a dab of lipstick, and a gallon of Chanel Chance, in preparation for a wonderfully convivial evening of intense and hilarious debate with my very best friends, and what happens? Three stars and Houdini, that's what happens! Fine! Marvellous! So much for the grand re-opening! Flipping useless you lot! MUST TRY HARDER! Sperlatt!!
Oops, I've just had a terrible thought. Maybe you didn't know there was to be a grand re-opening. Did I forget to send the invitations out? Oh drat! Some secretary I turned out to be! Well, I have a good excuse. This is Starman's pad - not mine - I'm just the housekeeper - so maybe he'll let everyone know. How about it, Starman?
Oops, I've just had a terrible thought. Maybe you didn't know there was to be a grand re-opening. Did I forget to send the invitations out? Oh drat! Some secretary I turned out to be! Well, I have a good excuse. This is Starman's pad - not mine - I'm just the housekeeper - so maybe he'll let everyone know. How about it, Starman?
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Blast! Why didn't I think to rope you in for all that cleaning?! My hands will never be the same again - and what thanks do I get? None! He poodles along, dropping a few stars here and there (mostly here), and hops it again! Huh! Now, I'm not one to complain - would I? - but I'm not appreciated you know. Worked my fingers to the bone, and what thanks do I get? Eh? Go on, tell me! Oh, I'm a martyr to the cause. Oo-er! Martyr! 'Ere, do you reckon there's any chance of that nice pope man making me a saint? I was in Rome once when the other nice pope man was making someone a saint. Cor, I wouldn't mind that. Great party! Quick! Where did I put that cellar key?
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Haaa! Tesco's finest! Honestly, Luna, that really happened to me once. I was going to a very la-di-da do, so dressed in my finest for evening - and really my very finest - diamonds and all - I decided I needed something slung elegantly around my neck - and remembered a very flimsy black voile beaded scarf someone had given me for Christmas. I dug it out, never worn it before, and put it on. Great! Shoes killing me, but outfit complete. At the 'do', standing chatting ameniably with the gathered company, as one does at these do's, I happened to glance down, and there, exposed for all to see, standing proudly on the elegant black floaty scarf was an enormous white silky label bearing in huge black letters the legend 'Tesco'! Arrrgh! Got to laugh really! Lucky I had nail scissors and a ladies loo handy! Haaaa!
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