single for life or what

[habiba]

why do we not see couples lasting longer in marriages

[andy hughes]

I have always believed that a lot of people marry without thinking about what they are doing, and why. Subtle pressure is put on couples, and they follow the trend, assuming that 'marriage' just happens, not realising that marriage is just the two of them, it rolls along if you push it, if you stop, it stops. Our society leans far more towards people having what they want, and this is seen as their right, and wheras I would never condone people remaining in unhappy marriages, maybe a little more education and thought beforehand would help people to make the right decision. I thought long and hard about the commitment i was making eighteen years ago, and I can honestly say marriage has turned out to be exactly what I thought it would be, so I have not been disappointed and dissatisfied. I'm not trying to sound morally superior here, I just believe that people need to think hard before bowing to subtle pressure from family and friends, and society in general.

[Ewood27]

There used to be a stigma attached to divorce. There was something wrong with you if you couldn't make your marriage work. People went into marriage with far more commitment. It was a bond forged before God "till death us do part", and that's just what it meant. An oath before God was not something to be taken lightly.

Sorry to rant. I was married for 40 years until the contract ran out. Today it seems that you only need to have an argument and "she" starts weighing up whether she would do better to take her husband to the cleaners now or leave it a year or two.

[Ewood27]

Synchrography, Andy. Glad to see you also are not in a disposable marriage.

[natalie_1982]

I also think people have less faith in marriages nowadays. I'm only 21 and from a young persons point of view there's not so much pressure to get married and settle down now and lots of things have changed. For a start more and more women are going out to work and earning more than their partner. Also, both myself and my partner's parents split up after 25 and 20 years being married respectively, so although right now I could say 'I do' and mean it for the rest of my life, I don't know how I will feel in 25 years. At school there were fewer people in my class that had both parents living together than separated, so I feel that it's something our generation accepts as normal. That when you marry, it doesn't have to be for life. And just for the record, I hope that when I marry it will be 'til death do us part' and we'll grow old together and live happily ever after, but I'm not psychic.

[bluedolphin]

Over the last 20 years the whole idea of marraige has changed....young people are living together for a while and then getting a mortgage and then buying a house and then both working to pay the mort' and then the kids come along and they start to hunt for a nursery which will take the kids from 3mnts old so both can work to pay for the mort' kids nursery and car, holidays, essentials...dvd,mobile phone, computer, car, foreign holiday and the jobs are being outsourced to the far east and people will live longer and will probably have to work until early 70s ...thats a lot of pressure....so I think to survive u have to be flexible and that means in work and in marraige and so I think that marraige is not a rigid as it once was and perhaps it will become a flexible understanding .....

[Quizmonster]

I've lost track of the number of times when couples I've known personally have lived happily - and unmarriedly - together for years. Suddenly, they decide to get married and within months...sometimes even weeks...they've split up and gone on to divorce.

There was a classic of the sort reported in today's 'Times'. Two homosexual women, who'd lived together for a decade, recently 'married' when Canada allowed such unions to take place. It lasted five days!

Does anyone know what that sort of thing is all about? I don't mean such 'marriages'...I mean happy couples for whom a wedding ceremony is curtains.

[smudge]

We've been married 40 years tomorrow - our Ruby Wedding Anniversary! We were only 17 & 18 at the time & certain people said it wouldn't last!

[Wisebird]

Happy Anniversary Smudge. I think BlueDolphin is spot on with her answer. We are just not as content with life as we used to be and want more and more materially and emotionally. The media and advertising is a lot to blame for this. I am not saying this is wrong, but is hasn't made for happiness and longelivity in marriages.

[Uzoma]

No smart answer - just congratulations to you Smudge!

[secretspirit]

My thoughts are that in the past when people got married and then started living together they were starting afresh and had no preconceived ideas of what it would be like so they compromised and worked together until it was right. Nowadays when many people live together they think that getting married will suddenly change their relationship for the better and all the problems will go away. They don't and then disillusionment plus the knowledge of 'this is it for life' can mean a split. I went into marriage hoping that things WOULDN'T change, having lived together for 18months before hand and things are just the same as ever, and I'm glad about it!

[Shapeshifter]

La di-da-di-da. I don't know anybody that married somebody because it was the right thing to do. Listen to a bit of Brian Eno. Here come the warm Jets. Don't worry about all that, we're all just more hedonistic and self-centred. It's not a mystery. They'd all get it.

[smudge]

It's not what you gain but what you give, measures the love & the life you live! Well the big day is finally here! 40 years of marriage, along with its happy days & sad days, trials & tribulations, ups & downs, two children & four grandchildren! This is what married life is all about, not material things & what you can get out of it! -xx- Thank you for yor sentiments Anniekon & Uzoma -xx-

[smudge]

My first rhyme should have read "It's not what you gain, but what you give, measures the worth of the life you live".

[zgma]

I agree with what secretspirit said about compromise - that people aren't used to compromising in relationships anymore. I think that now people go into relationships with this movie-image idea of what a marriage is supposed to be like. And then when it's not perfect like that, and they realize that a good relationship means work, they think "this is obviously not the perfect person for me and someone out there will be perfect" rather than "if we work on this it will get better and better." I think people have LOST the idea that successful relationships mean work. It goes right along with our increasingly consumeristic society, where if something is broken we throw it away and buy another one rather than fix it. QM, I'd venture to guess that part of that is the stress of putting on a wedding together. Or else, they have to finally think seriously about whether they share life objectives. We got married after living together for 5 years, and during that 5 years we were in a completely committed relationship, planning on staying together for the rest of our lives. We thought we were getting married sort of as a formality, rather than to push the relationship a step forward. However, the process of planning the wedding, and thinking about our marriage vows, and creating the "marriage contract" really forced us to address some serious issues that we'd been ignoring. Luckily we came through it with flying colors, but I can imagine that it would be the downfall of many a couple.