If you were single and saw someone you really like

[Oneeyedvic]

but they were in a relationship, would you

a) Bow out completely
b) Give signals to make it known that you were interested but do nothing more
c) Give very overt signals to ensure that the other person knew
d) Do everything in your power to get that person.

Just curious.

[sara3]

I take your point, jake, but if a man left his wife/partner for me it would add so much extra pressure to the relationship.

I'd rather wait til he'd decided to leave him wife/partner because their relationship had irretrievably (sp) broken down, and not because I was hanging around waiting.

[karma22]

Either a or b

a because I wouldn't want to break a relationship up but b because he might not be happy in his relationship and I'd want him to know how I felt so he could make a decision to leave his gf or stay.

But then probably a because if you do b and he starts coming onto you you could end up just being a bit of a fling and he doesn't leave his gf and then you really have screwed their relationship up and made yourself look cheap.

Plus if he left his gf would you then want to be with someone who could leave his gf at the drop of a hat for someone else who gave him a few come on signals.

So probs a really

[cazzz1975]

its not about seeing it black and white jake, I think oneeyedvic already see's things in the way you have portrayed, I am just adding another way of looking at it as well.

no one knows the real ins and outs of it, there are a lot of angles you could look at this as.

it is a shocking statistic that the majority of marriage/relationship break ups are initiated by women though!

[cazzz1975]

yes thats what I was trying to say sara! by having someone in the wings its like an incentive meaning he may not have left his wife without it

[sara3]

but cazzz, I think that's just because when a relationship goes wrong.. a man will just put his head down and ignore it, whilst a woman wants things to change.

we may initiate separation/divorce more often, but that doesn't always means it's our "fault".

[cazzz1975]

yes, my friends husband is unhappily married in the sense that he knows his wife is cheating yet he just ignores it and says its a phase she is going through, whereas a woman may react differently

[sara3]

we agree, cazzz :o)

I think it's so disrespectful to find someone else to "save" you from a bad relationship. just get out if it's not right. argghhh!

[China Doll]

Probably a combination of b) and c)... I think there's probably a middle ground between them (assuming b is very subtle and c is very extreme). I wouldn't go all out to get them but I would make my feelings clear and leave the ball in their court because if I didn't I'd be left with Jakes option e) and I don't like that option at all.

[karma22]

Thats sad about your friends husband cazzz, I often wonder if thats the right sort of attitude rather than the shes cheating I'm gonna dump her attitude. We only think like that because thats what we've been programmed is the 'right' thing to do.

But then I suppose the only 'right' thing to do is the thing you feel comfortable with and if you're not comfortable then it is the wrong thing.

I don't think I would be comfortable knowing someone was cheating and ignoring it personally.

[Oneeyedvic]

Reason for the question is that I believe that this has just happened to me - a girl I know has been giving me signals (b).

I will say that I am not at all interested as I am very happily married and have made mention of this (very tactfully) in her company.

But just got to thinking - was she right to give signals, or should my wedding ring have prohibited her from doing anything.

If the roles were reversed, i think I would choose option b as well.

[karma22]

Don't think theres ever a right or wrong / black or white answer to these things.

People just do what they feel comfortable with and get the response the other person is comfortable with. Then if you get what you wanted great - if not tough - learn from it and try another tactic next time

[China Doll]

Well based on the assumption that the lady in question is single Vic then I think it's perfectly acceptable as the onus is on you as the attached one to live by your committment. (I'm also assuming we're talking about someone who has shown interest in the same way I would and not acting like a dog on heat as that is indeed unacceptable).

[karma22]

lol china

was gonna add to my last answer that as long as the individuals can deal with the consequences of their choice a, b, c or d then its ok

[jake-the-peg]

Congrats vic

Your first stalker

[cazzz1975]

yeah but this guy is a broken man as a result, he doesnt want to upset the applecart because he is scared that he wont see his son if they split up which is the main reason for him staying, he also still loves his wife very much

he wants his wife to love him again and stop messing around, she even brings this guy to their house and goes out clubbing with him. he is hoping that she will get it out of her system and return to being his wife again.

I know we are conditioned to throw people out the second they cross the line but it must be more miserable to live with the grief that this sort of thing causes, at least if you split up you can try to move on.

[cazzz1975]

aww vic, some women think its an accomplishment if they can snare a married man :o

[Oneeyedvic]

lol Jake - no, she is a lovely girl and I enjoy her company - just as I do with a lot of women - but I am far too in love with my wife.

And yes, China, she was discreet and did not try mounting my leg....

Of course, could just be me reading too much into it as well.....

[China Doll]

Ha! I almost wrote 'trying to hump your leg on a daily basis' as opposed to 'dog on heat' but I thought it might a bit too vulgar... Glad you get the idea! :c)

[Oneeyedvic]

You, vulgar? Never!

[keyplus90]

I would try finding out if she was happy. So to do that I will have to give a little signal. If she is happy then its definite "A" otherwise if the brick is a bit loose then I would try loosing it more to my own advantage because after all it would be good (hopefully) for her too as she would never find someone like me. I am sure my wife will agree on the last bit.