Loved Ones When They Die

[nailit]

What are your experiences of been with loved ones when they die (atheist or religious...dont want this to be a theology thread)

I missed my dads dying by minutes although my sister was there. No guilt as I couldnt help it but what are your stories?

Please no preaching from the religious...
Just want to here from normal folk about their experiences

[askyourgran]

I have attended death beds of four people that I loved very much, and each time I have been called away, or left the bedside before they actually passed away. I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse.

[wolf63]

I was with my mum when she died - she stopped breathing and that was it. She had been in a lot of pain and there was no chance of recovery - she accepted that she was going to die. She was 58.

I found my dad's body at home, he had died during the night. He was convinced that he would not live until the following Christmas and he was right. The Police and Ambulance men were brilliant.

Mum died in 1996 - I have never been back to see her grave. We put dad's ashes in Loch Earn after me being car sick most of the way there.

[Prudie]

I have never seen a dead person and don't want to. When my mum was in a coma and on the LCpathway I will always believe she knew I wouldn't want to face seeing her die.She'd been in a coma for a week and all the family were doing round the clock 6 hour stints sitting with her. On the day she died I knew it was imminent and when I was 'relieved' by another family member I left the hospital and when I got to my car I spoke out loud to her dead husband (my stepfather) with the words 'if you're going to come and get her then come and do it'. By the time I'd got home 30 mins later my OH was on the phone receiving the called that she'd passed away. I'm not religious or particularly spiritual but I'll always believe she waited until I'd gone.

[Maydup]

I missed my Dad's passing by minutes too. It was my turn to get some sleep and like you, my sister stayed with him. I didn't feel the desperate need for it to be me who was there at the very time to be honest, but my sister did so it was the right way round.

[wildwood]

If you don't want any theological discussion ,maybe you should have chosen another category to post this Q.

Not been with a loved one when they actually died, but was with a young man when he died at an accident. It was not pretty and after his obvious excruciating pain it seemed like a blessing for him.

A long time ago a cousin was with her man when he died of lung cancer. Apparently it was not a peaceful death and mentally affected her for many years after.

[sherrardk]

I went to see my mother on the day before she died but I made it clear to my family that I wouldn't be there when she went. My step father and two of my siblings were there but my other sister was advised to stay at home (she would have been hysterical so it was best for everyone that she wasn't there). I have no regrets about my actions.

[Gavmacp]

As a nurse I have always conducted death with great respect. We leave the body for a hour (not actually sure why I think it is to make sure they are dead). I always opened a window. When preparing the body I always talked to them as if they were alive. I would try and find a flower to go with the body. I treated them with the greatest respect until they left the ward, they were my patient regardless whether they were alive or dead.

[Quizproquo]

I held my premature baby nephew as he died. He was 13 weeks old and had been in intensive care since birth. This was the first time we all got to hold him and he took an hour or so to die. Virtually the whole family was there and we passed him round so everyone could meet him properly. I just happened to be the one when it happened.
We felt a little guilty because at the moment we noticed we were laughing at something, but I think hearing laughter as the last thing you ever hear only served to be a good thing.
My dad had died moments before I got there. I kissed him goodbye and I was glad I was there.

[Gavmacp]

I was youngish when my father died. My brother and mother went to visit the body but I couldn't. I think it was too much to take in and if I saw the reality it would be all too much.

[woofgang]

I don't really have a story but here are the facts.
I was present when my mother and my husband died. They both went in their sleep, both on syringe driven pain relief. They just stopped breathing. My mother died in hospital, my sister and I were by her bedside and the nurse confirmed her death. Everything was done very respectfully. My mother was heavily drugged but my sister and I both believe that she knew we were there.
My husband died at home and I confirmed his death myself as I was alone in the house with him. I then phoned the GP surgery to tell them what had happened which was quite strange and the GP came out with one of the District Nurses who had been visiting. Again everything was done with great love and respect. Once that had been dealt with, i phone the undertaker who arranged to come later in the day. They dealt with me very kindly and gently.
I would like to say, as one who believes in god, that I felt some comfort or felt their spirits pass or something. In fact in both cases I just felt numb and got on with the practicalities of what needed to be done.

[piggynose]

I think i´m only coming to terms with the passing of my mum only recently, my sister was with me during her last moments. It was a relief for her, as she had to endure years of pain. but still very sad for us. it would have been her birthday 2 days ago. she died 13 years ago. Somehow my dads death still hasnt hit me yet, and that was 6 years ago.

[DaisyNonna]

The hospital told me that my dad was being discharged the following day.
No mention was made that he had already fallen out of bed twice in spite of my asking to have the bed rails raised. He thought he was on holiday and that my mother (who had been dead for many years) hated the food.
8 a.m. the following morning I received a phone call to say that he was dead and how soon could I get there to remove his belongings.
What a caring profession!

[gness]

Mr G was in hospital for the last week of his life....against our wishes because he wanted to die at home.
The uncaring staff refused to accept or acknowledge that he was dying and when I tried to discharge him they refused to give him the drugs he needed...they also used other threats too involved to go into here....so MrG was too scared to come home with me....and there we stayed in the dirty room......

I spent the whole week with him...refusing to leave the hospital.

Just before he died...at the end of a harrowing week.... he nodded for me to come close....he asked me if I had read the notice above his bed.......

MEDICAL GAS PIPES BEHIND THIS PANEL.
NO NAILING
NO DRILLING
NO SCREWS

He said....this is incorrect......it should read....NO SCREWING...not NO SCREWS.
But I guess they don't want that above my bed......he winked at me....took my hand....told me he loved me....and died.

I stole the sign.....x

[anneasquith]

it's a great privilege to be with a loved one when they die. please don't be afraid to be present.

[mastercraft]

I hate saying goodbye, especially when it's for the last time.

The only death that I have witnessed was of my beloved dog.

I had him in my arms... and I cried and cried.

[-SharonA-]

I missed my Mum's dying like you Nailit by minutes due to traffic after getting the call. To this day I blame myself and I have blamed my husband, after all he was driving.
For a while after and even at the funeral I kept berating myself. I am ok now, accepted it and moved on.

[Mamyalynne]

One thing I have learned is that when the end is close,whisper 'Permission to travel' -because as lots have said often you only have to leave the room or close your exhausted eyes for a moment.

[Sycamore3House]

I climbed into bed and cuddled up to my dad when he was dying because I could not hear him breathing from the room I was trying to sleep in. I was cuddling him and my mum was the other side of him holding his hand. My brother said it would haunt me but it was the best thing I could have done and I remember it fondly.

[Sycamore3House]

Forgot to add I was 39 years old at the time.

[woofgang]

I have held three dogs....that never gets easier either.