My Daughter Is Socially Isolated

[sherrardk]

My eldest daughter, 12 years old, is in her first year at high school (year 7) but is miserable as sin. I knew things weren't great but the full extent has become clearer today. She spends lunchtimes alone and rarely gets spoken to in class. I believe this is because she is very clever and her old friends know that she isn't interested in what she views as childish gossip and the new kids don't know how to interact with her. There is a parents' consultation day next week but she would be mortified (and v upset - it's her default setting when she can't cope with a situation) if I brought it up as she will be present. Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation or have thoughts on how we can deal with this situation?

[jno]

this is an awkward one, sherrardk, but what exactly is it that your daughter wants? She disdains their conversation but she wants them to talk to her ... about what? It's quite possible they're as bored with her talk as she is with theirs - but they're not unhappy about it, and your daughter is.

Somehow, some way, she's got to make the first move. Can she find nothing in common with any of them? Netball, chess, Game of Thrones, science fiction, string theory, anything?

[sherrardk]

She doesn't want to chat with them particularly, maybe acknowledged occasionally - she just needs something to occupy her at lunchtime.

[Quizproquo]

Can she not come home for lunch? Not every child is social or wants to be, you can't force it.
She'll grow into herself but all you can do about school is make home a nice place to be.
I was that child and so is my child. No harm done.

[jno]

I used to read at lunchtime while other people played table tennis or cards. Does she acknowledge them? Say hello to everyone? Ask after their cats? Offer buns around? Enquire about homework? She needs to find common ground, as they have no incentive to do so.

[sherrardk]

The school is eight miles away so it's not really practical. It's not that she's not sociable, it just that she's not sociable with people of her age.

[anneasquith]

Sher where does we fit in the family dynamics, is she a loner at home ?

[Quizproquo]

She'll be fine. I hated it, my child hated it, it taught us what to avoid and I think, made us better people for going through it.

[sherrardk]

No, she interacts with everyone (even her elder brothers) and joins in with any activities going on. She's chatty, smiley and engaged.

[anneasquith]

Obviously at 12 years old, hormones may not be helping ?

[cassa333]

My daughter is in the top 10% of the school and second top girl in her year so being academic doesn't mean she isn't Autistic. It just means she is bright enough to cover it up better.

In fact girls tend to display Autistic traits differently to boys so goes undetected for far longer. Girls tend to be diagnose with depression or a mental disorder because of the bias towards male Autism.

My daughter has always had meltdowns, especially so when things change and she can't cope. We always put it down to her being intelligent and highly strung but when they get to 'that age' it becomes more apparent in their ability to make and retain relationships with their pier group. Not wanting to chit chat with 'girlfriends' or being into 'girly' things, not understanding relationship dynamics within their peer group, being an outsider in the group etc etc

[cassa333]

Also my daughter is different with people she doesn't know, classes as friends and family.

They are all compartmentalised. She is (mostly) relaxed with family, friends she has great difficulty interacting with and anyone who she doesn't know barel Get some a glance and views as a danger and avoided like the plague.