Hi Nails
May I tell you a personal story?
I have been a part of many internet communities. Possibly the strongest one I was ever a part of was Everything2.com.
They were mostly college kids, or just left college. Very smart. Very sassy; in the years after the dot.com boom. It was the first internet 2.0 site (because that's what we called these social media sites then). Before Wikipedia; before Facebook; even before Myspace.
It was a pretty intense community. Kids who had discovered like-minded people on the internet; many of them for the first time.
Some of the most-loved members of that community lived in New York. That community met together, drank together, and I don’t think it is giving away too many secrets to say that some of them slept together.
On 10 September 2001, one member of that community committed suicide in his New York City apartment. He had been depressed.
The following day, a couple of jet liners flew into the World Trade Centre. The community was more traumatised by the suicide than by terrorist attack.
https://everything2.com/title/September+11%252C+2001
End of story.
The point is that you never know what you leave behind.
I get the feeling you are in a bad place.
You’ve told us about your housing issues. You’ve told us about your benefits issues. You’ve told us about your drink issues.
I’m no medic, nor a psych and I am the last person anyone would turn to for emotional support, but I would urge you to find someone who can give you that support.
You say you don’t want to speak with Samaritans and your GP is no use.
That’s sad.
But you’re a smart chap. You have a son. It’s possible to work through this, but my guess is that in your present state, over-thinking is not going to help.
What is it the Buddhists say? When hungry, eat! When thirsty, drink! When depressed, find some support!
Because, my friend you need that support right now. And if you don’t, your son needs you to get that support.
Wish I could do more, but it’s the best I can do right now.