Is It Wrong To Want Your Parents

[nailit]

To just die?

I spent 12 hours yesterday at the hospital with my mum as she had a suspected blood clot on her lungs...as if she hasn't enough to cope with. Blood tests, 1 hour on a drip, a CT scan and a further 6 hours on a drip (due to kidney problems). Been pulled from pillar to post, with a cancerous tumour in her arm (and cancer in her skull and ribs), all terminal and painful! Just to see if she is 'well' enough for chemo...which will basically poison her body that's dying anyway.
She's so ill today its just painful to watch.

What is this obsession about trying to keep people alive...albeit in pain...that are dying?
Its just madness that serves no-one. Neither them nor the relatives left behind.

Before anyone jumps in...yes, Ive had a drink. Im finding it difficult at the moment and I apologise in advance for any untowards comments made either last night or since, I don't cope well with things like this and lash out. Im sorry.

Just don't understand why the medical profession wont just admit that life ends rather than keep on trying to prolong the inevitable at the cost of causing suffering?

I don't want my mum to die but she must (as we all must) just don't want to see her in so much pain.

BTW Rock Rose, I know that you are in the same boat as me at the minute re: your Dad.
Your thoughts might be different from mine at this point but just want you to know that you have my empathy.

[tamborine]

RRose, I hope you get what you want for your dad & he recovers soon.

[ummmm]

Mixed emotions on this. My sister would tell my dad to 'let go' whereas I just wanted him to hold on (probably selfish)

[tamborine]

My OH was on morphine & doc said he would last 3 weeks....he died the next day!

[Prudie]

If your mum has hope then she should be allowed to cling to that so in this case you shouldn't wish her to die. She clearly doesn't want to. I'm sure chemo is horrendous but many have come through it and thank God (or whomever) they had that chance.

[woofgang]

I think its different if your mum is choosing treatment....much more agonising because you have to stand by and watch.

[ferlew]

My two sons and I were in this same position some 18 months ago Nailit. Mr F had cancer and Alzheimers and Pulmonary Fibrosis. It was pitiful to see him suffering both physically and mentally, thrashing about and delusional, he was fitted with a syringe driver for the pain, and thankfully the next day he had a peaceful passing.
No one wants a parent, child, or any loved one to suffer.
My thoughts are with you at this awful time.
You are going to have to draw on that reserve of inner strength you have used before.
Best wishes to you and Mum.

[pixie374]

Nailit, I do sympathise, but it completely depends on what your mum wants, if she is able to say. People are euthanised by doctors daily, have seen it so often. As ferlew says, with a syringe driver with morphine, people usually live anywhere between a few hours to a couple of weeks. In my experience, normally around 4/5 days. Be strong... and let your mum do what she needs to xx

[lankeela]

Turning this round - if it were me in that situation I would want someone to help me go peacefully and with some dignity. I don't understand why people cannot sign something to say they wish to be allowed to die when there was no likelihood of recovery and quality of life was very poor. Even if it took say three doctors to agree it would surely prevent suffering. My late aunt used to nurse a farmer's wife and she would cry out in pain and beg her husband to help her die - she said he would not let one of his cows suffer like she was.

[nailit]

//My late aunt used to nurse a farmer's wife and she would cry out in pain and beg her husband to help her die//
My father begged my sister to smother him with a pillow when he was dying. But the authorities that be, insisted on keeping him alive.
He died in agony.
My mum aint going the same way.

[Calicogirl]

Nailit, arrange a meeting with her Drs and make sure she's getting all of the pain relief she can. She wants to be treated because she feels she might have a little more in her. I know you can see that she probably hasn't, but you have to respect her wishes to be treated even if it's not in her own interests and the Drs will honestly do their best to make her as pain free as possible. Don't do anything rash, argue with people etc however upset you are, you are all ultimately aiming for the same thing even if there are differences of opinion about how to achieve that. I know how hard it is, at Christmas I'd have given anything if my Grandfather could have just let go, but he didn't and he's still with us, and far more pain free than he was then ( he's also terminally ill) as they have altered his treatment and his painkilling regime. I'm so sorry you're both going through this, but you have to be calm and strong now for your Mum, and I know you will x

[ummmm]

My dad had enough morphine in the house to overdose if he wanted to.

[THECORBYLOON]

NAILIT, I have every sympathy with you but you MUST remember this is a very public forum.

You have said things in the heat of the moment which you later regretted. It may be that at some future point you let your emotions get the better of you.

If you say more than is good for you, there could be serious consequences and I don't mean your being suspended or posts being deleted.

[vetuste_ennemi]

Most posters have got the point of the OP and agree on this: no decent person who has a loved one with a terminal illness (or who can imagine themselves into the situation of others who have) would not want them to die sooner without pain, rather than last longer with it.

[Smowball]

It’s funny but I had this conversation with Mr Snow lastnight. My mum has been dead for years and even if she was alive now she would only be 69. I would have given anything to keep her alive but she was in such pain it was too hard to watch. Life is very unfair x

[waterboatman]

I went trough this with my Vera, In February of 2011 she was given a few weeks. She fought it until October 10th. It really depends upon the will to live.

[murraymints]

thinking of you at this very distressing time.... not easy for anyone..... time to say all those things you want her to hear..... and just be there... xxx

[hereIam]

It's normal nailit to want your beloved parent to be out of pain. I wanted this for my Mum and was sick of all the things they kept doing to her at the hospital, all to no avail as it was obvious she was dying. She so badly needed to sleep and they would frequently wake her up to take blood. I wish I'd complained and told them to bloody well leave her alone, but you trust them, don't you .. I did not want her to die, she was my family (her and Dad who went before her), but it was a release for her at the end and her pain was over then. Be as strong as you can be nailit, we all have to go through awful times like this at some stage, just carry on being there for her which I'm sure will help her. All the best x

[Ric.ror]

Can I just say that my mum is 92 and has Alzheimer’s- on Saturday she was in a right old state and I thought (selfishly) that I have no life, no friends etc and would like an ‘end to it all’
Today she’s back on form and eating some soup as I type. You are not being awful wishing for an end to here pain and suffering and I send you all my very best wishes xxx