You will recognise it next time and it won't be this bad, it is harder when you are on your own someone who lives with you will pick up on it before you do. We are similar ages, and it's so common as to be almost normal nowadays. Think about it logically.... You are on your own, have problems with pain, anxiety about Covid, in tier 4, etc etc, your mind is behaving in response to sustained threats.
I have always held that the GMEB thread is the equivalent of neighbours in a village. Unlike in our fragmented society if someone is struggling or goes missing they/we notice. It's a place where you can admit to loss and loneliness because most of us will know where you are coming from, some cope differently but at times some of us don't cope very well. It doesn't matter if you are face to face or online we are real people and only the idiots that frequent this site forget that.