Elderly Parent Dangerous Driving

[loulou111]

Hi My dad who is coming up to eighty still drives a car. I went out with him the other week, and was shocked how poor his reactions are , to potential dangerous situations. He doesn’t check his rear view mirror before pulling out and regularly had cars honk their horns causing him to get angry and shout. I tried to approach the subject gently but he see he’s doing nothing wrong. I’m worried he will have an accident. I’m not sure what to do. Do you have any suggestions please?

[Redhelen72]

Have been in the same situation with MIL and you have 2 options 1/ ignore it or 2/ tell how bad it is and suggest it’s now time to give up and advise him what he saves in car costs can be used for cabs.
Either way I would not get in the car with him.

[loulou111]

It was the first time in a ver long time I’d got in the car with him and it will be the last. I’ve told him it’s bad like I put in my post but it fell on deaf ears. As for your other suggestion do nothing how can I he is my dad!

[bhg481]

The IAM offer a "Mature Driver Review" for £65. They sit in your car whilst you drive in your local area and give you an assessment as to whether you are still fit to drive. You could suggest that your father undergoes such a review to prove that he's as capable as he thinks he is.

https://www.iamroadsmart.com/courses/mature-driver-review

[loulou111]

bhg481 Thankyou so so much this is super helpful I appreciate this x❤️

[Redhelen72]

I know it’s hard but if you ‘nag’ him it could damage your relationship which is why I suggested it.

[Vagus]

If he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, I would think it doubtful he’ll be willing to have a review.
I agree with Helen, ignore it or nag him.

[Hopkirk]

I don't think nagging is the way to do it. I think bite the bullet and have a direct conversation on the topic. He needs to be told in a frank and clear way.

[Vagus]

I think that’s what I really meant, Hopkirk, rather than nag, a frank conversation.

[Hopkirk]

Not easy I know.

[jennyjoan]

redhelen - when you refer to MIL - then him and him again - do you mean her.

[Hopkirk]

I think you misread Helen's answer Jenny.
The him she refers to is Loulou's Dad.

[TheWinner]

JJ, I read it that RH has a similar problem with a female relative, but then answered the OP and used "him" in her answers as it refers to their dad.

[davebro]

er - redhelen's MIL & the "him" who is the subject of the OP?

[Hymie]

From your description of your dad’s driving, his driving ability would appear to be on a par with most other road users I encounter.

[davebro]

OP - what car does you pa drive?

[Canary42]

Very difficult. I always contemplated giving up my driving licence when reaching 80, but as Providence stepped in and rendered me permanently unable to drive safely (TIA resulting in permanent sight problem) a month or so before the fateful day, the need to make the decision never arose. Had the occasion occurred I have some doubts as to whether I would have followed my intentions, my driving seemed OK, and I deliberately made allowances for slower reaction times (but not covering emergencies obviously). I had considered the IAM review and would possibly have gone ahead, but now I can't of course. And my Neurosurgeon stressed the permanent nature of the ban, so no redemption likely unfortunately.

As to the answer to your problem, I suggest regular "nibbling away" at the issue and it may begin to sink in. It is very hard to give up driving - even in my case where I had good intentions, I was actually devastated when it was forced upon me. But I've come to terms with it now, "it is what it is".

Can you make any helpful overtures to your father as to how you could soften the blow for him (without offering an on-demand taxi service of course).

P.S. Sorry for rambling on a bit about me me me, but I thought it might give some insight as to what your father is facing.

[davebro]

I will find it very hard to give up driving if & when that time comes. Maybe with your father you could determine where and when he drives & what alternatives exist for other modes of transport.

e.g. I drive to Aldi for my shopping but there is a Spar shop I can easily walk to - it's costlier but probably not so much if I didn't have the expense of a car.

A neighbour with a BMW was doing about 3000 miles per year. She sold the car & now uses buses & taxis.

Maybe if he lives apart from friends & family he could consider a house move. We all need to make adjustments as we get older.

[William51]

I think he may be closed to any help so let him get on with it and, god forbid, quietly research for any worst situations like an accident or court case.