Help! I'm going mad...

[tallgirl35]

This is a long one, but I'd really appreciate 'outside' opinion/thoughts.

I;ve known a guy since I was a teenager - but we split and both married other people. He joined the army and moved abroad and we bumped into each other six years ago and have been in touch ever since... I was single, he was and still is married. We've seen each other a few times and slept together etc. But, he says he wants to leave his wife, but can't because of his daughter and job (he's said this a number of times). So I've cut all contact.. He has always got back in touch with me and it gradually builds up to him thinking of leaving again.

I saw him three weeks ago (I travelled abroad to him for a weekend) and it was fab. But, now he's saying he doesn't know what to do and I've not heard from him for four days. Do I pour my heart out to him, leave him alone or just tell him to get lost?

[Hellion]

I know this will sound harsh Tallgirl but life is too short to waste on being second best to some man how much you care for him. If he really, really felt strongly about you he would not hesitate to leave his wife for you - he wouldn't talk about it he'd do it. At the moment he is literally having his cake and eating it, by saying he will leave his wife he is keeping you hanging on -available whenever he wants you.
Cut your losses and leave for good, you deserve to be cherished by someone who knows he wants you and only you.
He's been stringing you along and putting your life on hold for six years already, don't wake up in another 10 years time and realise that the last 16 years have been a waste!

[Hellion]

sorry 'some man no matter how much you care for him'

[tallgirl35]

Harsh is fine.. I have one friend who thinks we will be together at some point and another who thinks he's using me. I have had other relationships during the past 6 years, but they've felt like second best.

I feel like I'm giving in though by just walking away.. should I hurt him and/or his wife back - or is that too nasty?

[ummmm1]

If he cheats on his wife the chances are he will cheat on you.....and do you want a long term relationship with that in the back of your head?

[suffragette]

If he truly loved you, he wouldn't hesitate to be with you. I don't believe he stays with his wife just for the sake of his daughter, but he's hardly likely to tell his lover all the wonderful, if mundane aspects of life he enjoys and probably cherishes with his wife.

Married life doesn't always provide the excitement that people crave, but it does provide the safe haven that we all need. At the moment he is getting the best of both worlds and I would suggest you take responsibility and walk away and find someone who wants to make you their number one girl.

As for your last comment about hurting him or his wife, I would advise against it. If you upset his wife, you upset his daughter. Is that really the type of person you are?

[tallgirl35]

thanks all - difficult to read, but what I expected really... As for hurting his wife & daughter, no I'm not usually that kind of person, but in this case if he doesn't leave her now I think she should know that he's also been lying to her for at least the past four years (she find out back then and he backed off for a while and swore to her that he wouldn't get back in touch with me again).

Also, it'd hurt him too - a woman scorned and all that!!

[fawna]

His wife is innocent in all of this and does not deserve to be hurt just because you have been.

[tallgirl35]

no, but he does!

[WendyS]

it sounds like you're just stirring up disappointment for yourself if you continue seeing this chap. He's quite happy to cheat on his wife and will probably cheat on you eventually too, even if you end up together.

Try and have the strength to sever this relationship so that when the right opportunity occurs you are emotionally free to be with somebody without complications. If you end up with him permanntly you'll always be living with an "ex" and a stepdaughter in the background which longterm could create endless stress in your life.

Perhaps he does deserve to be hurt for cheating, but your best way of doing this is by walking away and preventing him from having his cake and eating it. Then at least you won't be hurting his wife who appears to be the innocent party in this.

[tallgirl35]

Thanks again all! WendyS, I know you're right, but it is difficult when you think you've found THE one.... But, I've still not heard from him despite asking him just to let me know what's what or if he needs some space - so I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of waiting for the phone or e-mail. On the plus side, it's doing wonders for weight loss!!

You've all talked me out of hurting his wife - what's the point? My boss is sick of me moping and told me to just leave it and regain power!! Oooh...

[fawna]

That sounds like a wise idea. Good luck with what ever you choose to do about the situation, but I think you've made the right choice about the wife. Delibately hurting her may have made you seem like the malicious 'baddie' in the whole thing and would probably have turned him against you. Walk away from him with your head held high. You are the strong one.