I have never been to a funeral.

[sair5412]

I am attending the funeral tomorrow of a family friend who died suddenly at the age of 49. I have never been to a funeral before; i have been lucky not to lose anyone close to me yet, but I am really worried about how i will react.

I suffer from panic attacks and I am worried about having one tomorrow in front of greiving relatives. Whilst the panic attacks are awful, i am more bothered about causing a scene and ruining an already awful day for the others. I don't care about me, it's the them i am worried about. I just feel that i will be overwelmed with sympathy for them and my mind will go into overdrive and set me off. I can't not go either as that wouldn't be fair.

I don't think it is in a church, i think we are just going straight to the crematorium (whatever that is like!!?)

I just don't know what to expect and i am really scared of the whole thing.

Any advice or tips on how to cope. Thank you.

[coco clown]

just go with the flow and dont be affraid to let your emotions out!! his/her family will take comfort in the fact that he/she was well thought of and loved!!

[Scarlett]

You could maybe sit as near to the exit as possible. So if you feel awful you can nip out, and everyone will understand! I hate funerals because I am so reserved. I try and think about ANYTHING but the person, hold it all in, and then do my grieving privately at home... Stupid I know, but that's just me. The above advice to let it all out is much more sensible!xxx

[JanineG]

Coco is right - just don't worry yourself. I'm sure the family will be too consumed in their own grief to notice even if you do start to fall apart. My only advice would be to try not to go on your own, have somewhere there to hold onto. Chances are everyone will be in the same state, and there's no shame in letting the tears flow. If you do go to the Church, try to sit at the back at the end of the row so that if you need to leave, you can make a subtle and quiet exit without too much disruption.

Hope all goes well.

[Eve]

A crematorium is just like a room with rows of chairs set up focussed towards the front where people speak and such.

Wthout meaning to be blunt the coffin is usually placed at the front with flowers and such and at the end of the ceremony a curtain is usually shut across and everyone goes outside and there is normally a memorial garden or area. The ceremonies don't tend to last very long.

If you think you may struggle then could you take something like Bach's rescue remedy to help calm you a bit and maybe something to cling to such as a rubber band round your wrist or some beads or something? You could also focus on your breathing, breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose and focus on the bridge of your nose. Be aware of both feet being firmly on the ground so you feel grounded. If you feel self conscious then you can use tissues to diguise things, even pop something calming on them you can sniff as well.

You could arrange to sit near the back so if things start to get too much you could slip out quietly, could someone sit with you so they could come out with you or you could have a word with the staff beforehand and I'm sure they can keep and eye on you and help out if things become too much.

I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you get through tomorrow ok x

[ELVIS68]

This may sound bad but I always get the giggles when I`m at a funeral,I don`t know whether it`s because of nerves or what, but any situation where you know you can`t laugh I get this.
I always end up just staring at the floor and not making eye contact with anyone

good luck anyway

[coco clown]

ELVIS........ there is a name for that, i suffer with it aswell. i have a nervous giggle at the worst possible times!!

[ELVIS68]

I`m terrible with it, when it happens I pray for someone to say something funny so I can laugh

[joko]

get some kalms and some rescue remedy from a chemist

also put some lavendar oil on your hand and sniff it

you'll be fine

[Panic Button]

Strangely there is a fair amount of humour at times as people meet up at funerals.
I think it is part of our defence mechanism.
I don't think one should feel guilty about it. If anything it is a sign of respect, that people can remember you with happy feelings.
I wouldn't mind if there was laughter at my funeral, as long as it wasn't directed at me!
Yes funerals are sad days,rightly so, but they are an essential part of the grieving process.

[shopper]

many years ago i used to have panic attacks, so I sympathise with how you are feeling. I read a book by Dr. Clare Weeks which explained exactly how panic attacks worked, and how to manage them.
Basicly they are caused by a sudden rush of adreniline which the body produces to fight or flee in situation you are afraid of. Because the body can only produce ,and flood you with a limited amount of adreniline, you just have wait until the adreniline has done it job, "shaking, sweating, dizzyness, panic etc. This is time limited because the adreniline has to be used up, and the body has to produce more. before you can have another attack.
Just fearing an attack can trigger on.
I was determined not to stop me getting on with my life, so I did everything i wanted to. If I was in a public place, then I would stop and pretend to look in a shop window or sit on a bench until the attack (or adreniline rush) went away. If I was in a supermarket, I used to lean on the trolley, to support my shaking legs, until it passed.
It took me months before I felt in control, and Ive not had them for years.
Go to the funeral, sit on the bench, if you feel a panic attack coming on just sit there until it passes. Which it will.
No one will notice because of their own feelings and grief.
Good luck