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Irish Jokes
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Does anyone know any good irish jokes?
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Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world...
Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"
It's always puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,"how everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order."
So the Irish would never rule the world...
Two old drunks on their way home from the pub, were stumblin up the country road in near darkness, "Seamus, I think we've stumbled into the graveyard - look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to 105!"
"Glory be Malarki, was it anybody we knew?"
"No, twas somebody named 'Miles from Dublin'"
It's always puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,"how everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order."
Paddy & Mick are on a flight back to Ireland. A short way in to the flight the Captain makes an announcement,
"Ladies & Gentlemen, we are experincing engine difficulties & have had to turn off engine number 1. Please do not be concerned as this aircraft is able to fly on the 2 remaining engines, however our arrival at Dublin will be delayed by approximately 30 minutes."
The flight continues & Paddy & Mick are knocking back the whiskies when the Captain makes another annoucement,
"Ladies & Gentlemen, our engine difficulties have continued & we have had to turn off engine number 2. Again please do not be distressed, this modern aircraft can easily continue on the 1 remaining engine but our arrival will be delayed by a further 30 minutes."
Paddy turns to Mick & says,
"I hope de last engine holds up, other wise we'll be up here all f*****g night.
"Ladies & Gentlemen, we are experincing engine difficulties & have had to turn off engine number 1. Please do not be concerned as this aircraft is able to fly on the 2 remaining engines, however our arrival at Dublin will be delayed by approximately 30 minutes."
The flight continues & Paddy & Mick are knocking back the whiskies when the Captain makes another annoucement,
"Ladies & Gentlemen, our engine difficulties have continued & we have had to turn off engine number 2. Again please do not be distressed, this modern aircraft can easily continue on the 1 remaining engine but our arrival will be delayed by a further 30 minutes."
Paddy turns to Mick & says,
"I hope de last engine holds up, other wise we'll be up here all f*****g night.
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to **** him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fagot." "Oh really? Hmm... didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fagot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."
The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fagot!" "Oh, Wow, I didn't know that. Thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right - he's unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I'll really **** him off, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Aye, that's what your buddies were just telling me..."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fagot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."
The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fagot!" "Oh, Wow, I didn't know that. Thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right - he's unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I'll really **** him off, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Aye, that's what your buddies were just telling me..."
A man walks into the bank of Ireland and shouts to the woman at the counter: "I want to open a ******* bank account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you - what did you say?" "Listen up, you ****. I said I want to open a ******* bank account - right now!!" demands the man.
The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".
The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no ******* problem" the man says. "I just won 15 million dollars in the ******* lotto and I just want to open a ******* bank account, you stupid ****... is that okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"
The shocked woman remembers her training and says "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank, I will get you my Manager".
The cashier leaves the counter and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no ******* problem" the man says. "I just won 15 million dollars in the ******* lotto and I just want to open a ******* bank account, you stupid ****... is that okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat ugly bitch giving you a hard time?"
Two Irishfellows were discussing ways to make money. The one feller said We'll buy draught beer, bottle it & sell it cheaply. They soon ran out of funds. So the other one said I've got a brilliant idea, lets open a brothel & the 1st one said don't be stupid,if we can't make money selling beer, how much do you think we'll make selling broth?
Irish Christening
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant;
frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a *******, clueless, gob****e!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant;
frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a *******, clueless, gob****e!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew".
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