Public toilet phobia.

[enigma]

My three year old daughter refuses to use public toilets , which makes things really awkward when we are out and about. It all seems to have started when we went to the cinema a while ago and when I took her to the toilet , the lights were out in the area between the first and second door and she started screaming the place down. I reassured her that everything was okay and that the lights were on inside the toilet but since then , she goes hysterical at the thought of using public toilets. Everything about the toilets scare her - especially the noise from the hand driers. The problem is so bad that she now refuses to even use the toilet at nursery , so holds it in for the duration of her time there until we get home. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help my daughter overcome this problem ? No amount of reassurance and gentle encouragement from either my hubby and I or the nursery staff seems to be working.

[Miss-taken]

Don't see what the problem is - I'm 26 and I still have a public toilet phobia! I usually even wait till I get home from work to go - I'm also the only person I know that has never seen the loos in the majority of the bars in town!

[counsellor]

it's okay i'm 28 and still line the seat with toilet paper or hover over it! my 4 year old girl was starting to copy me for a while but isn't bothered now...... am i a freak or what!

[vicars]

HI good question! I think the answer lies not with trying to convince her that it is OK but that you understand her and she knows this. Re-assure her that she does not need to use a toilet if she does not want to and that she does not need to use one again. If she knows this she knows that you will not force her to go and she will have to make her own mind up as and when to go. It may be wise to tell the staff to stop trying to convince her as at that age she might think there is a plot to force her in. Once she is confident that she will not be forced then she may get her confidence back more quickly. If not she will at least be thankfull that her parents are on her side and understand her. As to her going to the loo you need to look at alternatives and agree what options are open to her so that she can at least go (like keeping a potty in the car or something, or using a disposable bag ('she-pee' (?) for instance). Hope this helps!

[meltoadhall]

maybe the nursery staff could let her put some pictures in the toilet area and let her go in even if she doesnt need to use the toilet. if shes only in nursery for a couple of hours thats not a problem, but what about when she starts school? 6 or 7 hours is a long time to hold it.

[enigma]

The problem Miss-taken is that an adult can delay the need to go to the toilet for a lot longer than a three year old child can. My daughter is not just turning her nose up at the thought of using a public toilet - she is absolutely deperate to go sometimes but when she gets inside , she takes one look around her and goes hysterical. I can't say I blame her with some public toilets but even in the cleanliest toilets , she refuses to go and begs me to take her home to use her own toilet. This is not always convenient if we are far from home. The problem is that she is crying , telling me that she needs the toilet but becomes hysterical at the thought of using the public toilets and I don't know how to get around this when I am away from home. One woman recently came up to me and said that her little boy was exactly the same and had now grown out of it. I'm kicking myself now for not asking her what worked for her. I just wondered if others have had similar problems.

Counsellor - I know what you mean about the toilet paper. I hate public toilets myself but when you've got to go , you've got to go !

Vicars - That's great advice. I do reassure her and I would never , ever force her to use the toilet if she doesn't want to. The last thing I want to do is scare her even more and give her a deep rooted fear of toilets. I let her know that it is okay and that I understand that she will go when she feels ready to. It just gets very frustrating when we are out and about and I know that she is bursting and is sometimes crying but just refuses to go. I'm not sure if I want to go down the road of reverting back to using the potty though because I feel that it would be a step back and she might rely too much on the potty again. This is why I stopped using training pants when out and about because she didn't just use them for accidents - she began to rely on them.

[enigma]

Meltoadhall - The nursery staff have been really good with her and have reassured her that she can go when she is ready. The toilet is lovely and well decorated with little dolphins and fish which she loves but she freaks out at the thought of having to use it. She will stand in it but will not go into the cubicle to actually do the toilet. I can understand why she may be frightened of using public toilets as it must seem a scary experience for a young child , getting used to using 'big toilets' and seeing lots of people crowding in to use them - not to mention the noise from many hand driers running simultaneously - but I can't work out why the nursery toilet scares her. I know what you mean about when she goes to school and the time she will have to hold it in. I worry about that too. I just hope she gradually accepts that she must use the toilet. Great idea about the pictures in the toilet. Maybe if she put in some of her favourite pictures or something which will make it feel more personal , she may use it. It's worth a try and i'm sure that the nursery staff will only be too happy to help. Fingers crossed !

[JustSia]

This is a really silly thought but... You know those dolls the ones that can pee. Is there a way you can get one of them dolls and play with it to start with at home where you take the dolly to the toilet yourself, then get your daughter to do this. One day bring it shopping with you and at one point start pretending that the dolly needs a wee. Maybe just maybe having someone else to worry about rather than panic that you would make her go your daughter would play mummy and slowly but surely would start taking part. Even waiting for you whilst you take dolly yourself to the cubicle might do the trick oh, and don't forget washing hands;) You can start it at home with the hairdrier, coz after all it's all it is. Does it make sense???

[Beanmistriss]

Maybe this is a stupid idea, I don't have lil kids so I've no idea really. But if the noise scares her then maybe you could get her a cd player or something with earphones and have a bit of music she really likes or a certain tune specially for going to the loo or even a story tape or something. Might block out the scary noises and keep her a bit calmer? I work with people with learning difficulties and this really helped a girl with autism when she went shopping and the noise stressed her out, with no noise to worry about she was more able to concentrate on the other bits. Good luck anyway x

[ronnie3]

well my son is just the opposite whereever we are if he knows or sees that there is a toilet he needs to go drives me up the wall hope he grows out of it

[RATTER15]

Miss-Taken, you don't see what the problem is?? just because you have an issue with a public loo its OK for a three year old to have a phobia about them, are you totally blind!!!!

[Miss-taken]

Sorry Ratter15 - I wasn't aware a sense of humour bypass was needed on this website!

[flump1]

Hi enigma,just a thought ,could you go in with her and use it in front of her to show her and aid her confidence? She may realise if it is not going to suck mummy down the pan she will be ok!! Kids have enough to deal with bless them, try not to force her even though it may cause problems. Don't extend the offer of putting her back in nappies, she might well accept. Just persevere and very soon she will relax. If you take her into a public loo, try no to hurry her out, but take some time to hand wash , check hair ,dawdle ,let her look around. Explain how the hot air machine works.isn't it a clever thing and all that . Soon you won't be able to keep her out of public loos !! Good Luck x

[robynleonie]

Hi just stumbled upon this while searching on internet. My daughter has a similar problem and just wondered if you managed to get it sorted. If so how. I thought my daughter would grow out of it but it seems to be getting worse.