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Post abortion troubles
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Colleagues know that I have had an abortion and it was 2 years ago. I feel like they are still talking about there own kids in such a way that is just to get a reaction out of me re: my abortion. Like for instance, all 3 of us were involved in a conversation about having wood flooring as opposed to carpet at home and we were all involved in the conversation until one of them says well I have got kids so wood flooring is so much easier than carpet and then my other colleague was agreeing and saying how much easier it was too because she has a child too and as soon as the conversation turned to kids I am immediately left out. I think the way they were looking at each other with grins on their faces when they brought kids into the conversation signalled that they both knew that I would not be able to contribute. I am not paranoid either and I am not obssessing over this its just I genuinely feel thats what they are doing. I hate to think they would do that but I still think they might be. Question is what do I do? 2 options - speak to them about it or change my job?
Please only nice comments. If your not going to be nice don't bother posting I will only have a go at you.
Please only nice comments. If your not going to be nice don't bother posting I will only have a go at you.
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When I was working, one of the employees, a young girl in reception, confided in me that she'd had a termination. I told no one, not even my immediate boss, the MD. I said she'd been off with a nasty tummy bug. The trouble wth telling too many people, can make you you feel paranoid & that they may hold it against you.
But - I wouldn't imagine that mature women would intentially mock you. You never know, one or two of them might have been through the same in the past, but have never told.
Try to put your negative thoughts & concerns aside & concentrate on your future.
I certainly wouldn't leave your job karmgirl.
But - I wouldn't imagine that mature women would intentially mock you. You never know, one or two of them might have been through the same in the past, but have never told.
Try to put your negative thoughts & concerns aside & concentrate on your future.
I certainly wouldn't leave your job karmgirl.
First let me say I am speaking from experience and understand completely how you feel, as I had an abortion 7 years ago but I am sorry to say the problem does lie with you.
You sound like you have not yet come to terms with your decision to have the abortion. This is natural, it took me a long time and I was on self destruct for a good 2/3 years after so it is only the last 4 years I genuinely have. You have make peace with yourself, and take a good hard look in the mirror you may not like what you see but unless you do then the feeling that people are 'getting' at you will never go away. It is hard, I know, as you do that some people do not approve but that is something you have to deal with and accept. Another thing I have learnt is that although it may be fresh in your mind, it won�t be in theirs, they have moved on. I promise you it will not even have occurred to them it may upset you. It is after all nothing to do with them or their lives especially after two years, and rightly so. It was your decision and you have to live with consequence I�m afraid. I think you do need to talk to someone, a support group or try counselling again rather than keep causing yourself this heartache.
Take care and if you need to talk let me know xx
You sound like you have not yet come to terms with your decision to have the abortion. This is natural, it took me a long time and I was on self destruct for a good 2/3 years after so it is only the last 4 years I genuinely have. You have make peace with yourself, and take a good hard look in the mirror you may not like what you see but unless you do then the feeling that people are 'getting' at you will never go away. It is hard, I know, as you do that some people do not approve but that is something you have to deal with and accept. Another thing I have learnt is that although it may be fresh in your mind, it won�t be in theirs, they have moved on. I promise you it will not even have occurred to them it may upset you. It is after all nothing to do with them or their lives especially after two years, and rightly so. It was your decision and you have to live with consequence I�m afraid. I think you do need to talk to someone, a support group or try counselling again rather than keep causing yourself this heartache.
Take care and if you need to talk let me know xx
I've been a bit up and down about posting from personal experience as I've been there too and I still have neuroses as I've still proved to myself.
I know it was the right decision for me at the time but it is still always there and there is that fear of how other people will react to it.
So you're in no way alone. You, in fact, we, found ourselves in an incredibly difficult situation where there was no easy answer but we made a decision that was right for us at the time, albeit one that will leave a lasting emotional scar.
As regards the counselling, it can take a while to find the right person and type of support. They can't reverse it, erase it from your memory etc...but they can help you express how you feel and deal with how you react emotionally to your own and other people's feelings and reactions.
They can help you to reconcile yourself with it, deal with the guilt and any grief and feelings of loss and help you develop coping strategies for when you're finding it hard.
As regards work I feel you're deflecting your feelings and paranoia onto others, maybe rather than deal with the issue yourself you're subconsciously bringing other people into the equation, sharing the burden and blame out if you like.
I know it was the right decision for me at the time but it is still always there and there is that fear of how other people will react to it.
So you're in no way alone. You, in fact, we, found ourselves in an incredibly difficult situation where there was no easy answer but we made a decision that was right for us at the time, albeit one that will leave a lasting emotional scar.
As regards the counselling, it can take a while to find the right person and type of support. They can't reverse it, erase it from your memory etc...but they can help you express how you feel and deal with how you react emotionally to your own and other people's feelings and reactions.
They can help you to reconcile yourself with it, deal with the guilt and any grief and feelings of loss and help you develop coping strategies for when you're finding it hard.
As regards work I feel you're deflecting your feelings and paranoia onto others, maybe rather than deal with the issue yourself you're subconsciously bringing other people into the equation, sharing the burden and blame out if you like.
People focus on the main things in their life, what's upmost in their mind, for your colleagues it's their kids, for you it's the termination.
Try and see if from other less personal perspectives.
A close colleague and friend of mine lost her mother recently. Does that mean no-one at work should ever mention mothers, death etc... in any context ever again when she's around?
As regards feeling left out, say if two colleagues of mine were really into something, a hobby, tv show, anything but I wasn't. Would it be fair to expect them not to talk about it whenever I was around?
The very emotional nature of your feelings probably makes it seem more poignant but try to put it in more a general context as a benchmark as to how rational your reaction is.
If you feel yourself getting paranoid, you could wander off to get a drink or something or switch off and pretend you're reading something etc... (non-obvious to your colleagues) to take a mental step back and think about things and whether you're being paranoid and try to rationalise it and make a positive decision to shake off the paranoia.
Try and see if from other less personal perspectives.
A close colleague and friend of mine lost her mother recently. Does that mean no-one at work should ever mention mothers, death etc... in any context ever again when she's around?
As regards feeling left out, say if two colleagues of mine were really into something, a hobby, tv show, anything but I wasn't. Would it be fair to expect them not to talk about it whenever I was around?
The very emotional nature of your feelings probably makes it seem more poignant but try to put it in more a general context as a benchmark as to how rational your reaction is.
If you feel yourself getting paranoid, you could wander off to get a drink or something or switch off and pretend you're reading something etc... (non-obvious to your colleagues) to take a mental step back and think about things and whether you're being paranoid and try to rationalise it and make a positive decision to shake off the paranoia.
Hey karmgirl.
Think about why you had an abortion in the first place, im sure the reasons are still valid.
I find this quite difficult as I do not feel this way about the termination that I had. Maybe because it was my third child, maybe because I was on the verge of divorce. I knew then as I know now that there was no other choice for me.
There are times in your life when it is necessary to be completely selfish as I am sure people will tell me I am.
I was immediately sterilised so that it would never happen again.
Which makes me think that you are still doubting the decision you made two years ago. You need to forgive yourself. Hindsight can crucify you if you are not careful.
Give yourself some time and find someone that you can really talk to. You may need to speak to several counsellors before you find the one that you feel comfortable enough to bare your soul to. Sometimes it's hard to admit things to yourself let alone anyone else!
Not sure I've even answered your question but hopefully it wil help some ;)
Take care,
Bb xx
Think about why you had an abortion in the first place, im sure the reasons are still valid.
I find this quite difficult as I do not feel this way about the termination that I had. Maybe because it was my third child, maybe because I was on the verge of divorce. I knew then as I know now that there was no other choice for me.
There are times in your life when it is necessary to be completely selfish as I am sure people will tell me I am.
I was immediately sterilised so that it would never happen again.
Which makes me think that you are still doubting the decision you made two years ago. You need to forgive yourself. Hindsight can crucify you if you are not careful.
Give yourself some time and find someone that you can really talk to. You may need to speak to several counsellors before you find the one that you feel comfortable enough to bare your soul to. Sometimes it's hard to admit things to yourself let alone anyone else!
Not sure I've even answered your question but hopefully it wil help some ;)
Take care,
Bb xx
without being there to witness, no-one can say what thier intentions are - but the fact is you will never know for sure... and it gets you down... so change jobs... i know you dont want to but it really is the only way you will be able to be sure there is nothing in these conversations... you may be happer and make some great new mates..
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