confused

[unhappychick]

Me and my fella have been together for a year, I have 2 children from a previous relationship, my man used to talk a lot about marriage, having a baby of our own and moving in etc...about 3 months ago, we had a serious issue to deal with and the relationship nearly broke down, as a result of this he wanted to prove how much he wanted me by moving in. I said that I thought it was for the wrong reasons, and said no to him moving in. He is in his early 30's and still lives with his parents, he has never moved out and doesnt and never has ever paid any housekeep to his parents (they dont want anything from him). Now this worries me a lot, as he has no idea of the expenses of living and im scared that if he moves in with me, he will get the shock of his life and scarper, which is why I suppose I have been happy to just carry on as we are. Today he was looking through the property section in the local paper, and I said "oh what you going to buy your own place" he said well you said you dont want me living here and you think I cant handle it, and that he had to make a start somewhere. To be honest, I was quite hurt by it, and its made me question where this relationship is going and im asking myself now if we have a future together. My mates think he has done it cos he is hinting about moving in again but is worried im going to reject him. I know we should communicate on the matter, but after me initially saying no, im worried that now he is going to reject me if I ask him to move in. I just want to know what other people think about this, so any comments would be most welcome

[Ethel]

I think if you have children living at home, a year is too soon to be moving a boyfriend in - it's not just your life that is affected.

It seems sensible to me that as you are concerned he won't be able to cope with the financial realities of living away from his parents that he lives on his own for a while.

He needs to be responsible for himself before committing to a ready made family - this means fully understanding everything involved in running a home and being independent.

If his parents have always done everything for him, he won't appreciate how much time and effort is involved in the home and you will soon feel put upon, when the novelty wears off.

I honestly think it will do him good to have his own place for a year or so. Then you may both feel ready to properly commit to each other.

[unhappychick]

I know about the children and all, which is why I wasnt keen in the 1st place, especially under the circumstances at the time. Yes I would love very much to settle down, but there are many things to think about, I think the bottom line is, is his behaviour confuses me. One minute he talks about "our" future then he talks about one for himself. Just dont know where I stand sometimes if you know what I mean, I want to feel secure and I dont right now. Thanks for your advice Ethel, it makes a lot of sense

[Ethel]

It is a very hard fact that security can only come from yourself - if you look for it in another person you will be very badly let down.

You are doing a great job for yourself and the kids, you have your own home and you don't need anybody else. It's a great way to be.

Make sure that when the time is right for you to be living with a man it is because he is exactly the person you want to share your life with - faults and all. It seems to me that if you can't about this problem then the time is not right, or he is not the right man for you.

It is hard being a single mum, but it's harder living with the wrong man.

You sound a very sensible woman to me -and a strong one. Don't be emotionally blackmailed.

[unhappychick]

very true Ethel...bless ya and thankyou

[foodluva]

I completely understand your concerns about him moving in i.e the financial aspects which may shock him. This could well turn out to be the case. However, I can't blame him for wanting to look at a property of his own. At the end of the day, you have said no to his request to move in. Is it fair to expect him to continue to live at his parents - bearing in mind he is in his 30's? If he continues to live with his parents and they continue to refuse money from him, then the situation will never change. You either have to take a chance and let him move in (when the time is right of course) or let him buy his own place. I don't think it's fair for you to not let him move in with you and also object to his buying his own place. Sorry, you can't have it both ways!

[unhappychick]

Foodluva, the problem is, I do want him to move in, but im worried about how he will find the financial side of things, I earn my own money so can take care of my children and bills as I am doing so already, but he has never paid a bill in his life and obviously will have to contribute, and im worried that it may scare him off....I know I have to take a chance, whats meant to be is meant to be! I said no in the 1st place as we hit a spot of trouble and the relationship was on the line, he wanted to move in to prove a point of how much he wants me and I thought it was under the wrong circumstances at the time...however things have changed since then and I would like to have him live with me, but am scared of him rejecting me now!!! I think we seriously need to have a talk and im going to do this tonight....thankyou for your comments

[foodluva]

Have a heart to heart tonight. Lay it on the line about the financial contribution he will need to get used to. If he says he's ready and you're instincts tell you he is, then take the chance and go for it! Your fears may be unfounded and it could be the best decision you've made.

Good luck and let us know how you get on xx

[Scarlett]

To be honest, he sounds a bit immature to me. You may find it is like having another child at home. I wouldgo with previous advice and let him live on his own for a bit.