problems of the heart

[morg_monster]

I'm in a tough situation with my lovely bf of 4 years.  When we got together (at 20) we never thought it would be this long term.  I had 2 serious bf's and plenty of fun before and now want to settle down. Unfortunately I'm bf's first love and he feels that if we were to commit long-term he would have a nagging doubt that he might be tempted to stray because he has never really had a single period to get his 'wild oats' out of his system.  We both feel the only option is to take a break however this seems crazy as we are so in love, and I know i could not find a better match to spend the rest of my life with.  He feels the same way but surely hurting now is better than potentially a lot more mess if we were married, with kids etc.  I don't want anyone to slag him off, he is not a male tart who just wants to get his end away and I'd feel the same if the roles were reversed.  I know that we'd both be heartbroken and he thinks he might be so depressed, he wouldn't enjoy his single status!  I wouldn't want to meet anyone new or start a new relationship but what if he didn't come back...

Anyone been through this situation? Did you get back together? any tips? I'm really quite scared about it all as he is my rock. sorry 4 long post. thanks a lot

[Scarlett]

Part of me thinks he is selfish for even considering sleeping around when he is in love with you. How can he do that? If he came back a few months later insisting he wants to be with you forever, could you really have him back knowing that he had had sex with someone else? I feel that this may destroy your relationship.

But if he feels he wants to see other people then it is as good as splitting up- only he can have you on sale or return! Has he thought about how he would feel if you had sex with someone else? Would he really be able to just take you back as if nothing had happened?

Give him his space and let him wander, but tell him to only have actual sex if he absolutely has to. A few drunken snogs may be all he needs to realise what he is in danger of losing.

[jno]

If you love him, set him free. If he has niggling doubts now, they'll be worse a few years down the road. They're not unreasonable doubts, after all: he'll be thinking 'How can I know if I really love her when I've never known how I feel about anyone else?' I know it's easier said than done; but think of it as an investment in your future. If he checks out other women and realises his place is with you, you'll both be happy. If he finds he wants to shag anything that moves, better you find out now than later.

[morg_monster]

thanks for your advice.
Scarlett, your last paragraph is spot on but part of the problem is that I'm the only person he's slept with, whereas I have had more experience in that sense. Before we started going out he's always be pulling people at uni drunken nights out but wanted to wait for a proper girlfriend before actually going all the way. whereas drunken snogs are not really me so I haven't had many of them; however i have had more relationships than he has, so I've slept with more people.
I think he would be upset if I slept with someone else, but part of that is that he knows that I would only sleep with someone that I really cared about, so that would mean that I had found someone who might replace him. I know he doesn't like thinking about the guys I slept with before him.
(I'm hoping) he'd just have drunken shags that wouldn't mean anything - still hard to deal with, but in my opinion better than if he found someone he really fell for.

I think I agree with you jno : if you love someone set them free. sounds corny but i am just hoping that he wouldn't find anyone with whom he could have the kind of relationship we have and eventually we'd get back together for good. wah!

[sponge]

I'm sorry but i dont agree.  Why is it ok for him to go out on the prowl cos he feel like he needs to "find himself"????  What if he doesnt find anyone else, would you wait around and take him back? If you wait around and he happens to meet someone else, what then? I think you need to get a straight answer to stop you from going mad!

I really hope it works out for you but cant help feeling its all about what HE wants and you dont seem to matter!  From the sounds of it he seems happy with you so why spoil it with "what if's" ;o)

[morg_monster]

There was never any question about him going 'on the prowl' while we are still in any kind of relationship. We would properly split up and it would be fairly easy to cut communication (we live 100 miles apart now). The fact is that at some point we definitely would split up over this issue because he feels he can't settle down at the moment - fair enough.

The issue is, if we choose to split up on good terms, maybe there's a chance that we could still be together somewhere down the line. he is my best friend and I would like to keep him as a friend once we can both cope with that. I know this is common wishful thinking when you're ending a relationship but i do feel i have found my soulmate in him. it is strange reading your replies sponge, because i don't see myself as the poor hard done by gf while he shags around, the thought makes me laugh. he's not the type to be super confident with girls and i think it'll take him ages to pluck up the courage - he'd make a crap casanova! the whole situation doesn't make me angry with him, Think we have a personality non-clash, both so laid back we never had an argument in 4 years apart from the odd sulk, and understand each other way too well. I'm just sad that we aren't in the same place at the moment, if we'd got together later then now we might be ready to settle down.

Anyway I have decided the only way I can regain any kind of control over this is to make the decision myself when to end it. cos otherwise it would just reach crisis point before HAVING to end it and that is more pain and suffering!

I was emotional when I wrote the question and am seeing things more clearly now. Next time I see him we'll barely have spoken in 3 weeks (clashing holidays), so hopefully it will be a bit easier to end it and adjust to life apart! well I hope so anyway.

[morg_monster]

well again sorry for the long post if anyone reads this again and thanks sponge it is good to see this from another POV and it will ready me for what some of my friends will say about it!

[sponge]

morg_monster my post was exactly what my pals would say to me too!  its difficult when you arent in that situation cos you and your fella are in your own little bubble at the moment, i really hope it all works out the right way in the end (whichever way that is).  I am a true believer in fate and think whatever happens is for a reason, suppose its good he is being honest with you so you know how he is feeling (a rare thing in the male species!).

Good luck! x