Jokes

[Mowbray]

Hi all,

What is the most funniest clean joke you've ever heard?

Thanks

[barender]

This guy (A) comes back from a safari holiday in Africa. His workmate (B) naturally ask him if he had a good time.

(A) 'I had a brilliant time thanks'

(B) 'But wasn't it a bit dangerous out there in the jungle?'

(A) 'Not really, although there was one dodgy moment.'

(B) 'Really - what happened?'

(A) 'Well, we were in this hide, looking at the wildlife    through our binoculars, when all of a sudden, this huge gorilla ran out of the trees and started attacking the hide. It was like it was really mad and it smashed the sides in and everyone panicked and ran off in different directions. Well, the gorilla came after me and grabbed me from behind with its huge hair arms and started getting randy.'

(B) 'My God! Were you hurt?'

(A) Hurt? He hasn't phoned .. he hasn't written .....

[barender]

This is not a joke - it is true. We have a friend who can be a bit dippy/slow on the uptake sometimes. She told us she heard a newsflash on the radio saying '747 crashes in Essex'. She said to her small daughter 'on my god! Seven hundred and forty seven crashes and all of them in Essex!     (There's more .....)

Later on, she turned on the TV and the news said there a Boeing had crashed in Essex and she said 'god - 747 crashes and a plane too!'

[LeedsRhinos]

A man who has been unemployed for years finally gets a job in a zoo. Eager to impress he turns up early on his first day & asks the head keeper for his first task.
The keeper gives him a broom & asks him to clean out the finch cage.
The man cleans it spotless but as he is leaving the cage he accidentally whacks the finch with the broom killing it instantly. Horrified the man puts the finch in his pocket walks to lion enclosure & throws it in. The zoo�s only lion eats it up.
The man then gets tasked with cleaning the chimp�s cage, again which he does spotlessly but again catches the 2 chimps with the broom killing them both. Again horrified the man puts the chimps in a wheelbarrow, takes them to the lion who eats the 2 chimps.
The man is then tasked to sweep around the bee hive, just as he finishes he whacks the hive with the broom & the angry bees are swarming all around him. He manages to swat them all to the ground where he stamps on them all killing them, again feeding them to the lion.
The next day there is great excitement at the zoo as a new lion is arriving.
The new lion gets put in the same enclosure as the other lion.
�Hi� says the new lion.
�Hi� says the old lion.
�So what�s it like here then� says the new lion.
�Oh it�s ok � says the old lion �why only yesterday for dinner I had Finch and Chimps with mushy bees�

[CT]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,

'Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!'

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: 'Nice going Patrick!

Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[CT]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'And what does the pig say?'
Child: 'Oink, Oink.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, 'Bud-wei-ser.'

You can find more like this here http://searchuk.com/

[bruce5755]

Nice one LeedsRhinos, you did make i larf!!!

A foreman on a building site notices a penguin walking around the foundations, the foreman shouts to paddy, "Hey, paddy here's �10 pounds, go and take that penguin to the zoo"

Next morning the foreman sees the penguin wandering about again, foreman shouts to paddy " I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo"

Paddy replies "Oi did, Oi'm taking him to the pictures tonight"!!!!!

[Adi-chef]

here's one of my favourites.......

I phoned the council this morning, i said i wanted a skip outside my house.... they said we're not stopping you!!

[Adi-chef]

Did you hear about the pizza delivery guy who was found dead, covered in tomato sauce, cheese and tomato?

Police reckon he topped himself!!!

[Philtaz]

A young man joins the French Foreign Legion and is posted to a small, uninhabited outpost in the desert, miles from civilisation. 

A week or two passes and having already become bored of the routine he asks one of the other soldier's what does one do when certain urges take over.

"Oh" says his mate, " A camel train passes here once a month with over 200 camels and that's the best you're going to get".

A week later one of the sentries shouts "Camel train on the horizon!" and the whole camp to a man stops what they are doing and all 50 of them begin sprinting towards the camels.

"What's the rush?" asks the new recruit, totally bewildered. "There's plenty enough to go round".

"Well" says his mate, "You don't want to be left with an ugly one, do you?".

[milly143]

A man goes to his doctor for some test results,

Doctor - I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you have 24 hours to live.

Patient - That's terrible! What's the bad news then?

Doctor - I should have told you yesterday.

[teamcool]

Rude but not 2 rude hehe...

A reporter goes to Alabama looking for a human iterest story. She interviews a farmer and asks him if anything eventful had happened in the past fortnight that made him happy. 'Well' he replied 'our neighbours daughter got lost once, so we formed a huge posse and hunted for her, and when we found her we all made love to her'. Shocked, the reporter said 'we cant print that how about anything else that has made you happy?' 'well' said the farmer 'our neighbours prize bull got lost once, so we formed a huge posse, hunted for it, and when we found it we all mad love to it'. The reported shocked again said 'we cant print that, how about has anything sad happened to you in the past fortnight?' 'Well...' replied the farmer

 

 

'i got lost once...

[mickthemuppe]

Two parrots on a perch.One parrots says"Can you smell fish" 

 

One snowman says to another"Why does everything smell of carrots"

 

Why have burglars got big ears,Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

 

How do you know when it's time in the Michael Jackson house. When the big hand touches the little hand

[SC00BY]

Doctor says to man 'im really sorry, you only have 10 to live

man: 10 what, years, months?

Doctor, 10, 9, 8, 7,6

[Woodstock]

A strapping young farmer has to walk through a dense dark forest to make his way to the market.  When he arrives at the market he buys a tarpaulin which he carries over one arm, a length of rope which he coils and carries over one shoulder, a bucket which he carries over the other arm and a two chickens, tucking one under each arm.  As he is walking home through the dark forest he meets an apparently terrified elderly spinster.  "Young man, young man, you're not going to attack me and ravage me and rape me to within an inch of my life are you?"

"My dear lady," replied the young man, "How could I possibly attack you and ravage you and rape you within an inch of your life when I am so laden down with my purchases?"

"Well," replied the elderly spinster....

 

 

 

"If you put the tarpaulin on the ground, the rope over your head and the chickens in the bucket I'm sure you'll manage perfectly well!"

[Woodstock]

Two lions were walking down the centre of Oxford Street on a Saturday afternoon.  One lion turned to the other and said,  "It's very quiet here for a Saturday afternoon isn't it?"

 

A white horse walked into a pub, went up to the bar and ordered a whisky.  The barman said, "That's a coincidence, we have a whisky named after you."  Whereupon the white horse said, "What, Eric?"