Husband having affair - how to confront

[GoldHoop]

I discovered on New Year's Day that my husband is up to no good! He had left his mobile phone on the side when he went to the bathroom. He had earlier shown me a message he had received from a mutual friend and i noticed he had a message from someone else but hadn't told me. In fact he had more than one message obviously from females wishing him a Happy NY Darling/Babe and he had responded. One sender was named and there were several messages from just a number - no name. How do i confront him?

[Eve]

When you say there were a number of texts from just a number, did you read the texts (or just notice they were there) and, if so, what did they say.

Did you also notice timing? Could it be work related if during his working hours rather than when he's at home.

Could it just be friends or colleagues wishing him a Happy New Year?

I wouldn't not send a friend a HNY message just because he was married or had a partner, it would be a HNY message, nothing more.

I have male friends who, are attached and refer to me as things like babe, darling but again, there's nothing it in, just a term of platonic affection.

The present is maybe not so explainable, is there anyone else he cold have given it too, even something daft like a secret santa?

I'm honestly not saying he's not, I've had two many friends lately whose relationships have broken up (or are likely to) due to their cheating.

Just wondering whether you need to be surer before opening a can of worms.

[Velvetee]

Goldhoop, I pesonally don't know why he would "kill" you if you looked at his mobile phone, afterall, he shouldn't have anything to hide. I'm always reading my Fiance's text messages and E Mails, mostly because I'm downright nosey and too inquisitive for my own good, but it's good to also keep up to date with what they are doing, instead of living in cloud cuckoo, imagining your partner would never cheat.

It does sound a bit suspicious, what with the cuddly toy. Maybe nothing has happened yet, but he's on the brink of an affair. The only way to know, is to discuss your fears with your husband, or you will just drive yourself crazy imagining what he may or may not be up to.

[lil75]

I would gather a bit more info 1st before you jump in at the deep end....like everyone else has said, a lot of people use the term darling/babe etc, personally I wouldnt like it, and I dont think my fella wuold either if another man was texting me things like that.....but everyone is different......also if he is having an affair and wants to hide it, he could easily use that excuse of.....lots of people call eachother darling and theres nothing more in it!!! Bide your time and keep checking the phone, maybe text the number yourself saying something like...I miss you x and see what reply you get back....if I really thought he was up to no good, I would do it regardless of who I was texting, and wouldnt be bothered about the consequences, but thats only if your feeling really brave! As I said before, bide your time and try and get more evidence if theres any??? and also ask yourself if he has been going out a lot at night etc, without you, is he secretive with his mobile? If so, I would check it when he has gone to sleep.....you dont have enough evidence at the moment, and if he is doing you wrong, he could worm his way out of it easily....keep checking it and get some real proof before you jump in at the deep end..best of luck!

[greengranny]

When my husband (of 34 years) did exactly the came thing, it was part of his and his 'girlfriend's plot to get me to ask him for a divorce so he could tell family and friends that it was my idea. After six years and hundreds of pounds of solicitor's fees, they are together now and I am over him.

[chattykathy]

I'm not sure I would confront him - yet! Maybe you should begin to pay him more attention and even suggest a saucy weekend away together! Couples do grow apart and a big effort is often needed on both sides! So I'm not saying that you should make all the running but just initiate this new beginning. 20 years is a long time together and it can be horrendous to split up after all that time. He might not be having an affair but these texts could be the kick up the backside you need. I really hope it works out for you, let us know how you get on x

[GoldHoop]

I think i'm going to leave things for now and see how things pan out.

Also, does anyone know what the website awork.co.uk is all about? There are several entries on his old credit card bills and when i do a search on line it doesn't say what it is but implies its sexual! Could he have purchased an item, a film or even a girl?

[Lakitu]

Yes, it's possible, but it's more likely to be online porn.

[GoldHoop]

Thanks Lakitu. Thats the better of two evils!

[lil75]

Ive just looked on the site that was on his credit card bills..I would send them an email, with his bank details, BUT with your email address saying that you are the account holder and you dont know what the purchases are, and could they offer you an explanation!!! Very fishy, if you ask me!!!!!!!

[joggerjayne]

Crikey, I wouldn't stand for this.

Next time he leaves his mobile phone lying around ...

... put it inside a hockey sock and t w a t him with it.

[lil75]

Like it Jayne! I would probably want to do the same, its obvious something is going on, so make sure you find out whatever it is...you are worth more than this!!!

[JustSia]

Hi GoldHoop,

I am going through exactly the same at the moment. All started with one suspicious phone call. He was forever on pc and always full of elaborate excuses. So I installed a keylogger on his computer and was able to read all the stuff he typed on it. AllInOneKeylogger is a very easy program if you are interested.

Sia.

[GoldHoop]

Thanks Sia but he doesn't email very much. Its the passcode to his mobile i need!!

Also - anyone know how to find out who a mobile number belongs to without actually calling it?

[lil75]

I cant believe you havent rung it yet....do it witheld and see if a man or woman pics up...if they dont answer witheld, ring from a phonebox, but not in your area!!! Also you should put a question on chatterbank late at night when everyone is on about what that site is awork or whatever its called! You seriously need to pluck up some courage....I no I sound harsh, but alarm bells are obviously ringing, otherwise you wouldnt feel the need to check on things etc....do what you have to do and dont be afraid of the consequences...you have done nothing wrong and are entitled to some respect!!!

[mandimoo]

ugh i feel sick reading all this, its bringing back some horrible memories. i really hope you are imagining things but when something similar happened to me, i kinda knew, even though i could not prove it and you drive yourself crazy wondering how you can prove it to yourself without turning into a demented nutter/stalker.

[kriskwery]

I'm reading this some 3 months after the last post and wonder how you're doing! Really feel for you and hope things are working out, whichever way they went. There is life after divorce ... done it twice and still ok!!!

Best wishes