Marriage and Affairs

[butter1]

My brother married his girlfriend of 9 years last August and he has just found out that she has been having an affair with a married man, who has 3 children since December, 4 months after they married.  My brother is devastated and I'm finding it hard to know what to say to him?  I want to comfort him but I have no idea of the right words to say?  I really feel for him and upset for him.... would anyone have any suggestions on what would be the best way to approach this?  many thanks.

[FP]

Just let him know you are there for him if ever he needs to offload and give him a big hug.  If he knows he has you there to listen that will be a great comfort.  Try not to run down his wife even if he is doing so himself, he knows what she has done is awful but will resent hearing it from anybody else.

It is so difficult to be a good listener - sometimes people with problems will work it out for themselves by having someone there to listen to them 'thinking out loud'

Best wishes.

[Wispy68]

I totally agree with FP. I recently went through a very distressing time, when a relationship ended suddenly. My family played a very big part in helping me to cope and come to terms with what had happened and were very understanding and patient with me. My sister stayed with me for several days, as I didn't want to be on my own, but equally understood that there were times when I would just want to sit in the other room on my own, listening to music and bawling my eyes out. On the day that she left to go home, she insisted that I phone her whenever I needed to, no matter what time of day or night it was, as did my Mum and Dad. My 15 year old daughter was fantastic, too. She showed a very mature side to herself and was always there with a big cuddle. Your brother really needs you right now, but do try not to feel pushed away, if he also needs to have a little time out to be on his own. In other words, just try to be there for him whenever he needs you, whether it's for a cuddle, a chat or as someone he can scream at. I hope he will start to feel better very soon and well done you for being such a caring, loving sister. You sound just like mine!

[newtron]

I went through a very similar scenario.  My first marriage lasted only a few months due to my wife cheating on me almost immediately after we were married.  She was my first love, so it took quite a while to get over her.  The above suggestions are very good, but for me the best thing was to keep busy to get my mind off her.  So the friends that helped me the most were the ones who were always stopping by and asking me to go do things with them, such as going rock climbing, or hiking, or to a party, etc.  Ultimately, it's just going to take some time.  Good luck! 

[butter1]

Thank you all so much for your lovely suggestions and answers.  I will just be there for him for a shoulder to cry on...It's the worse feeling in the world when your family member is so hurt and you feel helpless that you can't take the pain away.  I will try not to get teary when he talks to me about it, and I will give him that big hug.  Thanks again.x