Access to Child

[The Tiggster]

Married for 6 years, my husband had an 18 month affair which he ended when I found out 2 years ago. We eventually separated (he walked out, not my choice) 3 months ago & sees our 3yr old son a couple of times a week.

He has become very hostile in recent weeks & keeps talking about "his rights". I have never denied him seeing his son, but do not want him to visit him at home as I find seeing him too hard. He says he is entitled to see him 7 days a week as it is & I don't think this is fair. I am happy with a couple of days a week, plus an overnight stay but he is threatening to take me to court.

I am frightened of this & also angry that he had the affair, he walked out & yet thinks he can make all these demands. I want to avoid court, but I don't think he will accept anything until he has his day in front of a judge.

My question is; what would be considered reasonable access? I will be seeing a solicitor soon, but my father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer & only has weeks to live so I don't feel like tacking the legal system at the moment.

Your advice would be appreciated.
Thanks, Tiggs.

[madmaggot]

As long as your child's father is not a danger to his son, I feel that you should put your feelings towards him to one side and instead consider it from your son's point of view. He does not have the resentments and bad feeling that you have towards your former partner; rather he loves him, just as he does you.
Stop thinking of your son as a possession of yours. Just consider how you would feel if your son could not see you, except when it suited someone else?
I know from personal experience how difficult this is but once you make the decision to view this in a logical way it becomes easier; both to discuss it properly with the boy's father and to accept them having time together.

[rhamish]

My advice is that you are under a lot of stress at themoment especially with your father being terminally ill. If you feel that your son is safe with his father, then let him take care of him as often as he likes this will in turn let you spend time with your father. If at a later date you do go to court how can your ex say that you have not let him see his son. Men play mind games, so play him at this own mind game, let him think he is winning, be nice and smiley and this will throw him off course and also take pressure off you. He probably wants to come back after finding out the grass is not always greener. You are still hurting and your wounds raw. Take time out to heal.
Been there, done that, got the t shirt. My daughter is 28 and the last time she saw her dad she was 7. he played the same game and as soon as I let him have his own way he dropped us both like hot potatoes. I am now married to a wonderful man who has been twice the father her blood father has been.

[hurtfather]

i agree with some of whats all ready been said but making claims like let him think he is winning is a disgracfull comment, why make your child suffer at some sort of game in which the prize is the child, the entire point here is that if he wants to see your child then why not, right now you need to be spending time with your dad it is a very good oppitunity for you to be with him. your child also needs both parents and any hostility they pick up on, no matter what the age. yes he has rights but not as i fear he sees them, my advice is for both of you to sit down in a neutral place and talk to each other like adults and come up with a solution and access plan. for both of yo your primary concern should be the little one.