Are family really worth it?

[WiseOldSage]

My step father of 36 years dismissed me from my job in the family business last year on jumped up charges. The matter has been settled before the tribunal was heard (financially) but what I can't get over is the rest of my family. I had no money to pay my mortgage and didn't get another job for months (and then only part time) and yet they still give the guy air time.

He is divorced from my mother now but she still speaks to him on a daily basis (I think she is worried the gravy train will dry up) and my sister (who was all for giving him a piece of her mind if he rang) still sends him cards and stuff.

My youngest sister (my half sister and his daughter) won't have a word said against him yet he has lied to everyone about everything since we were all kids.

He is out of my life but I am so cheesed off with my family that he has "got away" with his bad behaviour again. I have rowed with my youngest sister because of her loyalty to him and told her I should have washed my hands of her when I found out a few years ago she had been caught in bed with my ex husband!!! End of that relationship!

Do we really need family like that cos I am being made out to be the bad guy and the one rocking the boat!!!!!

[jno]

I guess you're just coming on here to vent, which is fine; but as to your question, you already know the answer. Some families are fine, some aren't.

In particular, as Lottie wisely says, don't sit around harbouring grudges - it's bad for you. Dump them (by all means stay in touch with any individuals you think are worth it) and move on.

[ummmm]

My BF has a cousin who everyone hates but I get on with him. I think it's about accepting someone for who they are. Have no expectations and you don't get let down.

[CAJ1]

My parents placed me and my brothers in care after several years of violence and abuse and haven't spoken to us for over 10 years, they moved house and didn't give us a forwarding address so none of us know where they are. I hated my parents for what they did to us, my brother longed to have a family life back despite what they had done and what we had gone through. Each of us deals with things differently and thinks in our own ways. The one thing I have learnt from it all (after 8 years) is if you carry all this around and don't deal with it, it wipes out years of your life and you are miserable. Hatred for him is clearly evident, you need to forget about him and let your family believe whatever they choose, you can't change that but you can drop it and be happy.

[WiseOldSage]

You're right - a bit of a rant and a rave. I'm not going to feel guilty about severing ties with family members who want to stay in his good books because there might be a bit of cash in it for them at the end of it and not because they like him. I stood by my guns about how badly I had been treated, I never lied to any of them, I never tried to get anyone "onside". I am just ditching those that think it is more beneficial to be in contact with an individual who might (just might) leave them a bit of money other than with someone with some integrity - thanks for you answers though.

[ummmm]

Well I hope you feel better now.

[joko]

just because you have fallen out wth him, you can't expect everyone else to as well...its not fair to try to split the family an try to make them take sides - even if you are morally and ethically innocent

it is for them to decide.

as you say, do what you need to do and keave them to it.

[4getmenot]

you cant break all ties because people want to stay in his good books, why are they not allowed to?

[WiseOldSage]

Purely because people are being two faced - I don't think I've made it clear - it is not about asking them to choose sides it is about them lying to me to cover up for him and maintaining they are neutral. They are not sitting on the fence - they are maintaining they don't want to get involved but they are deliberately lying to me to stay in his good books. To me that is not being supportive or being how family should be - back stabbing and the like seems to be the game plan and I don't want to be associated with people who think it is acceptable.

[WiseOldSage]

Joko - he had already split our family up - my half sister wouldn't speak to my mother because of him and she wanted me to drop her just because she had. I don't remember back stabbing either of them and was supportive of both of them. Pity my family couldn't repay the compliment when I had the rug pulled from under my feet. Perhaps I will just adopt the policy of treating them like they have treated me instead of being the only grown up!