Should I ask my Ex back out?

[NOX]

My ex- who has been living in Germany until recently (with my kids) has just been over visiting her mother with my one daughter aged 12. She split up from the guy she was living with and they share custody of the kids and they decided between them that the kids were best left put living weekdays at his house for school reasons and weekends and holidays with her and her new guy (they live about 150 miles away). This is fine with me as it stands ( two of the kids are mine and I see them very regularly and all is very friendly etc). While they were over I called round to see my daughter only to find that they were off to a theme park in about half an hour- so they invited me. I had a great day with them and in talking to my Ex realised that there are more and more cracks showing in her happiness in Germany with her new guy. I know her very well as a person and I can't help feeling that she's slightly regretful about the way thigns ended between us. It was her decision at the time (she left me) ut things are very different now for the both of us and I wondered if it's worth giing it another try. Do I go for broke and suggest it to her or do you think an Ex is an Ex for a reason? It would cause a fair amount of mayhem if we did get back together as it would split up the kids in Germany so I'm undecided as things as they are are flowing very friendly and pleasant for everyone.

[NOX]

Yeah it's very true about Rivkka, and it's something I had to work on that tbh because she, obviously because she lives with him, treats the other guy as her father and her first language is German,and her consultant is there for her injury whose cared for her since it's happened so I'm sort of slightly relegated, albeit not intentionally, into being the dad that comes and takes her out and buys her stuff, which is far from my ideal, but pretty much the only practical thing under the circumstances, and that really grated on me initially. It wigs me out sometimes for what it's worth, with a big family problems are mutiplied obviously, the lads call up with disasters from time to time:)
Northampton's not so far, small world...

[ummmm]

Do you think your ex wife would move to England?

[NOX]

Well that would be one of the massive problems, the kids are very settled in Germany and no I don't think she would, nor would I imagine her ex would be delighted to release the kids to her if she did, at the moment they have a very cosy arrangement and I do too really, as I'm always made welcome and there is no aggro about how often or when I visit or the kids visit me, it's all very calm and nice. Whether I want to rock the boat this much I'm not sure and whether she'd let me however she migt or might not feel I'm not sure either.

[ummmm]

That makes it clearer..

So maybe you should make it 100% clear that you respect them, as you do...but let her know that she's always welcome back...kids and all..

Have you not met anyone since?

[NOX]

Yeah, you see the full extent of my predicament now, it's really very delicate and I don't want to clomp my big hoof in it.
I was quite ill a short time after she left, I had a couple of operations on my brain (that'll account for it then;-) but I'm feeling much better now, so I wasn't really on the lookout for anyone else serious.I went out with few people but no-one really lit my fire and I probably didn't light theirs either:-)

[ummmm]

She was/is your passion though. It was always clear on here years back.

Do you want to risk the opportunity Noxy???

[NOX]

Well yeah she was, is maybe, I'm certainly very fond and protective of her and they say you never regret what you do, only what you don't do.... and I suppose I could move to Germany if that was the only object, surprisingly nice country actually, not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything.lol.
I think I will ask her if she wants to get something to eat tomorrow and just keep it very light, see if it looks like she might be interested....lol.

[ummmm]

Something to eat might be the best way forward...lol

I'm off to bed now....if you still have my email it's the same one if you need to talk.

Night night xxxx

[NOX]

Night night ummm I'll let you know how it goes...lol

[B00]

She doesn't half seem like a serial bloke hopper! Sorry!

You say she was married before you? So with you, and two guys in Germany, that's at least 4 serious relationships she's had in fairly recent years.

Hope I don't offend you here, but I personally would seriously doubt someone who so willingly did all of the above whilst having quite a few children too, it must mess with their heads a bit.

[ummmm]

I've had 4 serious relationships....just not the kids.

[NOX]

Hiya Boo, I'm 50 and she's 42, four serious relationships in 25 years of being sexually active is hardly a lot is it? She was with her first bf for about two years when she was 16-18 and had her eldest son, then she was single for ages and then with me for ten years plus, then the first German guy for 3 years and then her new partner is very recent- does that sound like a lot- to me that doesn't seem excessive? As for the kids, her oldest lad has turned out to be a great guy ( now 25) and she took on all of my kids and treated them exactly as if she was their own mother and our own daughters and her kids with the German guy are very happy and well balanced, and her first consideration is always the kids and my twelve year old daughter is extremely happy, calm and grown up with no head mess because all of the adults in her life are sensible people who make an effort to get along with each other- I actually in my heart of hearts don't see her a being a thoughtless, bloke hopper who merely pursues their own interests and sod everyone else, she's hell of a nice person who has always considered everyone. Do you really think four relationships is a lot Boo, it seriously doesn't seem that way to me, and i'm not offended boo don't worry:)
Morning Ummm

[jno]

sounds reasonable enough in the modern world. All the same, I'll stick with my advice not to do anything that might unsettle her current relationship; she has to work it through herself.

[LoftyLottie]

Nothing to add NOX, except it's great to see you again and I hope things work out for the best for you. xxx

[ummmm]

Morning NOX :-) x

I agree to a certain extent jno but with their history does Noxy really want to miss an opportunity? I think they have enough respect for each other to go about it in a sensible way. Whether that is her letting him down gently....or giving it another go.

I hope it works out because I remember how he spoke about her...

[jno]

ditto, ummm, but I think all he should do is politely let her know he'd welcome her back. Anyone who does anything to disrupt another's relationship takes on a heavy responsibility. If it's going to fail, let it do so without your help is my motto.

[NOX]

Hi Jno, I'm not so much after wrecking her current relationship for my own selfish reasons. She asked my opinion about it as a friend who she knows would advise genuinely in her best interests and since I have limted knowledge on the subject (it's somthing medical) I told her I didn't really know but to err on the side of caution and pointed out the pitfalls of being involved with someone that this applies to. I would have given her that advice no matter how I felt because I'm not an expert in the field and I don't want to see her hurt or suffer in the future. That being said, it's all her decision, and if she's happy enough with him, the present happiness might far outweigh the future unhappiness. She was just garnering my opinion on the situation. However, if she does heed my advice, her mother's has been just exactly the opposite, so there is no reason to suppose she will, then I really do think that I at least need to let her know that she's welcome back should she ever want to...or am I being delusionally romantic eh? lol

[joko]

thats its nox, you have nothing to lose by making it known that you would be willing to try again...then just leave it...the ball is in her court...

one big reason why people dont leave a partner that they know deep down that perhaps they should, is having nowhere to go and fear of being alone...at least this knowledge will take away that barrier if thats whats keeping her there...

[jno]

that all seems fair enough, nox. What I was thinking was if you got back together and things didn't go smoothly she might be thinking resentfully 'I could have made my life work with X if nox hadn't talked me out of it'.... you know better than me whether that's a realistic scenario, but I'd try to avoid it happening myself. But like joko says, it's good to remind her that she's got a fallback position with you if life gets too tough.

[ummmm]

I think Nox has too much respect for her to talk her out of anything.