Broken Trust

[RoyalFool]

Hello all. I am a regular user, but have chosen to post under this temporary name.
Something happened when I arrived home early yesterday that caused me concern and suspicion (it doesn’t really matter what, just instinct). I have never done this before but decided to look at my partners mobile phone and in there I found several messages to and from a man I have never heard of.

I am really not the jealous type, I have never questioned my partners trust and have never had reason to, but something made me do this yesterday and I was devastated. I asked her immediately who ‘X’ was and she played dumb at first, but I showed her the messages I had seen. The content was along the lines of ‘wish I was with you’, ‘what (local) hotel are you booking into’ and ‘hubby out to gym in 10, ring me then’ etc. There were also some suggestive ones which I care not to repeat. It turns out to be a man from her past.

I went for a long walk to clear my head and we spoke long in to the night when I got back home. She tells me that she doesn’t know why she did it, nothing has or ever will happen and that it has only been going on for a few days. I want to believe her, but I am shattered. I am writing this in tears. She tells me that she loves and wants to be with me, but I don’t know what to believe at the moment. She tells me that there is nothing missing or lacking in our relationship and she feels stupid and wished it had never happened, but I said she is only saying this because she got caught and that there must be something missing. I have calmly said that we will get over this but it will take time, but I am really really hurt.

[bobjugs12]

Mate, you are not leaving your kids, your just buggering off for a few days. Tell the little'uns that it's a work trip and that you'll be back soon.

Oh, and one final thing......if you decided that you need a few bevvies, don't make any decisions or carry out any actions whilst pissed. When beer is involved, 99% of the time it's the wrong decision!!!

[rowanwitch]

one thing crossed my mind here ...and only because it reminded me of a friend.. she might be desperate for you not ot go away foranother reason than the thought of you not coming back... she might be scared that you will do the tit for tat thing
I think if you are quietly firm in saying that
a) you ARE taking time out
B) it is for a fixed time with a definite end point and I think the suggestions of no more than 3 days are very sensible
C) you reassure the kids that you love them and you will be back
D) no matter how angry you feel you wouldn't consider a revenge f**k with anyone

she will understand and it will give her time to reflect as well... then start talking get the bad feelings out there and deal with them
If the love is still there for the sake of your kids I hope you get things sorted

[RoyalFool]

Rest easy chaps, I'm not into drowning my sorrows. I have enough relatives who tried that and are still there drowning.

I think I am going to slope out of the office now for the rest of the day, and do some walking and fresh air thinking. Pointless me being here anyway.

Thank you all.

I'll be in touch.

[bobjugs12]

Yo, RF. Whereabouts in this great and green land are you? If you're down south, do you fancy some company for that walk?

[beastmonkey]

whilst it takes two to tango, if this person is from her past, then he is likely to know that his actions would/could break up a family.

now whilst i feel that your wife is also to blame for replying to the texts, he needs setting straight that he is not to mess with your wife/family.

it might not be your style, but if he felt there was a threat of real injury he would back off. just make sure it is verbal and not text/email as this could be used against you.

sorry if this seems quite base level, but i've just come back from safari and believe me, what i saw out there is not that far removed from us humans. we just walk upright and wear clothes.

[ummmm]

The other bloke didn't marry him and promise to stay faithful to him.

[karenmac60]

Women tend to do these things when their lives aren't at their best. Whether they need some excitement or for someone to see them as an individual (rather than a wife or mother) and to see them as special and attractive. While you may have been perfectly happy with the way things were, she may not have been - particularly if she is a stay at home mum. You say you have a warm loving and affectionate relationship, but what about those long hours you are at the office? Is she left alone with nothing better to do than look after the children and clean the house? That can sap your soul and make a little flirtation the most exciting thing in the world. Think back to the excitement you felt when you and she got together at first - the thrill you'd get when she called you etc. She's just trying to replicate those feelings. It makes washing everyone's dirty underwear a helluva lot more exciting. But its just a little thrill - it doesn't mean she isn't happy with you or that she doesn't love you or want to be with you. It means she needs more than she has in her life, something to stimulate and challenge her. It probably has very little to do with your actual relationship, but she may feel that her life is somewhat stale or that she is frumpy or unattractive (motherhood'll do that to you) and if she's not working then her confidence is probably quite low. You need to encourage her to find other ways of boosting her ego and self esteem. If she feels better about herself then she will be less inclined to look for this type of distraction. Take some time apart and then meet on neutral ground to discuss things - away from the children and the home. Then really talk to her, and listen to everything she has to say too. You both have to be completely honest if you are to put things right, and you must put it behind you too - as Bob say, no throwing it back in her face. I wish you well, Karen x

[society]

I agree with what China Doll said.

After reading all this what's still pricking my mind is - if it was nothing serious and just harmless flirting why did she lie when you asked her about it. If your relationship was that good and there was trust then she would not have felt the need to lie, and to keep it a secret; perhaps it is to you but not to her. If you hadn’t caught on to her I wonder if she would have met up with him in a hotel. Also, they had to be speaking quite frequently for the guy to know your gym schedule, if not how then does he know this? Life can be quite crappy and unfair at times but think carefully before making decisions which would have severe impact on your future as a family. My friend, all the best to you.