nearly 39 and dont want kids yet...but do at some point...

[joko]

i just dont want any at the moment...but i know im getting older and should start thinking about this.
i know the medical factors involved as i get older...but surely its wrong to just have a child when i dont really want to just because of my 'body clock ticking'...

i do have a boyfriend but hes only 27 and although i love him and im having fun, im not at all sure its going to last forever and not even sure id want it too... (he loves me and wants to stay with me but isnt really thinking about kids etc yet..but he says he would like them in the future) ...part of me is thinking its time to stop thinking about being with someone for love and fun...but for security, future and family...i have never thought that way when looking for a man, so its an odd concept.

should just carry on as i am and go with the flow and see what happens...i still have a good few years before its totally too late yet.
or start looking for a new man? one i can see myself getting old with an raising a family...?

thanks

[ludwig]

Here's some things to think about..

If you started trying to conceive right now, there's no guarantee it would happen soon, or even at all.

39 is getting on a bit in child bearing terms, I wouldn't leave it too long before deciding what you want to do.

It sounds a bit like you want kids but it's the relationship you're not sure about. Maybe you should talk to the bf and say, look, these are the kind of thoughts I'm having - what do you think about it?
The reaction you get may make things clearer.

[woofgang]

TBH joko, and I have been almost where you are, if you are nearly 40 and don't want kids yet, then you probably will be happy without kids. I am married (36 years now) started off on contraception, decided the time was right, stopped contraception and.....nothing. We talked about it and decided that while we would be happy to have kids, the need wasn't great enough to go the medical route, so we didn't. I am now in my late 50's and we have had and are having a totally happy child free life.
IMHO what you do need to do is have this convo with your partner and find out what his priorities are.......

[joko]

yes, maybe motherhood is just not for me...i just dont feel the urge, and even the knowledge that i have perhaps 5-6 years left maximum to have one does not fill me with the urge to have one...
i have no intention of having one just because of my bodyclock...but i also dont want to regret my choice...
a lot to think about i think

thanks to all those actually read my post properly and gave proper considered answers, rather than just reiterating what i have already said in a supercillious tone, or tried to imply theres something wrong with me for not fitting in with their view of how people should be....

[joannie10]

i always thought I would have kids but never found myself quite ready within my relationship. Have now been single for a while and at the age of 40 accepted that it is not going to happen - firstly I think i have just tried to focus on different things in life feeling my life had taken a different path, ie living the single life with no ties but also feel I have not been financially in the position to bring a child into this world and give them the life they deserve. I do worry that I will regret this once its definitely too late but also who knows if it would ever have happened. Four of my close friends have gone through ivf, all starting in their mid 30s - only two have been successful!

[Dris]

oooooooo joko-in my mind the very fact you are 'thinking' enough to post says to me that you do want children.I feel personally that had I personally not had experienced childbirth and childrearing I wouldnt have felt complete yet I was the least maternal person you could have met.
I agree with ummm to a degree -i found the one -then he sadly wasnt the one-well he was but its not relevant-wouldnt have changed them or him for the world.My children are so precious -strange when we only had our first child to see what it would be like......-the rest is history......

[Dris]

Often wondered myself when I had a dilemna Butch but surpisingly its often strangers who can help put it into perspective.joko can choose to ignore -ive threaded with her before and she is switched on so dont expect to see her on JK anytime soon:)

[boxtops]

Not everyone has to have kids, if you are not 100% happy with the idea, then don't. not everyone is maternal, not everyone can cope with a family. Nobody knows these days what the future holds so don't let that influence your decision, either.
Incidentally 50 years ago my mother had my brother when she was 47 - she was quite a medical miracle in the 1950s, women just didn't conceive that old in those days, they do now!

[Prudie]

My advice would be don't think about having a baby unless you totally want to and really feel you are ready. Raising children is all consuming and needs your full commitment.

[joko]

you're dead right dris...sometimes just hearing wise words and opinions just helps to clarify things...its just interesting to hear...believe me i will make my own mind up ultimately...and thats is the purpose of asking.

and you are also right ...i do want them...one day... just not any time soon...thats the problem really... i cant see me actually genuinely wanting them for many many years yet ..but once its too late, will i one day regret? it...or if i have some...will i too regret that?...(i mean the change in my life, not that actual child- i would undoubtedly love them dearly) but will i feel like ive done it because i had no choice...



i am not asking you too butch..feel free to ignore this post

[joko]

very true prudie...and id hate to start to regret having a child...feeling stuck in something...prevented from doing things etc...

as ive said i am very used to the idea of not having a child because of pcos so wouldnt mind adopting...

but then again would i? ... as they say, you dont know what youve got til its gone... and once i no longer have the choice...will i suddenly think 'oh no what have done!?'

i doubt it...but its something to bear in mind i guess...

i am probably over analysing this...but as nox and others commented, its best to think thoroughly than just do it ...

[woofgang]

joko to be a human on this planet who has got past the age of 40 is to have some regrets...it goes with the human package. Whatever the glossies say, no one can have it all, you just do your best and make sure you enjoy what comes your way. Again TBH and from experience if you are able to consider the possibilities calmly and reasonably then IMHO children are not that important to you.