Still Want A Laugh?
I don't attack people.
I'm all stalk and no action.
I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on "your account."
I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie not to wear any underwear.
He said, "Your wish is me commando."
I won a dream holiday to the Bahamas.
I woke up gutted.
I was mortified when my son caught me walking round the bedroom in high heels and women's underwear.
I don't know why, I'm his mother.
I have been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.
Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.
I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Road Show, and they told me it was "absolutely priceless."
Well, I got four quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who is laughing now?
The wife knew I had today off and texted, "Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?"
Boy is she going to be pleased.
I've been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.
I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.