Bad tempered child

[louise jones]

My youngest daughter (I have 3) is 9 next week. She is really getting the rest of the household down as everytime someone says 'no' (about absolutely anything!) she pulls the most horrible face and stomps about, slams doors or throws whatever she is holding! This really riles me and I end up shouting at her because she looks just like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum without the screams! She acts so much like a brat when she does this and yet in every other way she is a lovely child, very loving, very clever, popular at school etc but its just every single time either me, my partner or her older sisters say the word 'no' she does this. Anyone got any advice of how to stop it - Ive tried telling her shes 8 not 3, tried ignoring her, tried shouting at her, threatened to slap her (I never would tho) and am at my wits end with it all. HELP!!

[CT]

Try other words in the negative. ie I don't think so, or go with maybe or we'll see. If it's just 'no' she's reacting to maybe this will put her off.

[noxlumos]

The only way to cure it in my personal experience is to ignore it, and THAT can take a very very long time to work. Never threaten something you won't carry out ( ie smacking) as it weakens you and it makes you harder to respect. We have no rules at all in our house except common sense must at all times prevail, but that doesn't measn that my children are unaware of cause and effect. If they do something I'd prefer they didn't I point it out and if they persist with it then next time they require something only I can do for them ( lift in the car to the Cinema etc), then I may not make myself available to accomplish it, so they quickly learn that their behaviour has a direct result on their quality of life across the board, but the choice always rests with them, so they are CHOOSING themselves to moderate their behaviour.All this being said my kids were brought up like this from birth, how that theory works with a child that is used to structured rules I don't know, I suspect it may take quite a while to work. Hope you get it sorted out :)

[Scarlett]

Could you not say that if she starts to act like a 3 year old then she will be treated like one? Take away her pocket money (3 year olds don't get any) or make her sit on the stairs until she has calmed down, and then go and talk to her about why she reacted like she did. If you can get her to see that her outbursts are over the top and irrational, that may help. If she shows behaviour which is "mature" ie- accepts your "no" and does not scream and shout, then you can praise her for being mature about it, and reward her, if appropriate, although praise may be all that she needs.

[amncat]

Age 9 is an transistion age. Some use the term the Rubicon. Its a very trying time as a parent but at the same time its very difficult for the child. It seems like they wake up to the world in general, whereas the world was the family, school, etc.. well known areas within their sphere of influence they suddenly realise there is a huge world out there they can't control. My son was a walking nightmare for months, enough attitude and disrepect to be a teenager but I figured much too young to be acting like a teenager.

I talked to his teacher who explained that it was completely normal, she had a whole class of children like this, I had to wonder at her sanity.

It does pass, compassion and love, hand in hand with firm rules seems to work. She will try to control everyone around her, she needs to feel safe again. What she really needs is everyone to say no as is necessary and then enforce it with consequences if she doesn't do as requested. I found chores around the house a very helpful consequence, the child keeps busy, it is helpful and they are in sight where you can talk to them, forcing them to be polite and be part of the family.

There is a great book called Kids are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso www.kidsareworthit.com. Not everything it in it great but enough of it is very useful in maintaining your cool and getting what you need from your children its worth having a look at.

My son is now 11 and when I read your post I was very glad 9 was a distant memory. It did, however, remind me why my 8 and 3/4 aged child is becoming more strident as the days pass.

[lion heart]

I know its hard but i would try spending some special time alone with her take her shopping go out for lunch anything that makes her feel like your concentrating on her as you have 3 children she may feel shes being shunted.