Does the pain ever go away?

[Furner]

In June last year my partner of 5 years ended our relationship suddenly at first with no reason, I later discovered it was because he had been seeing someone else. Anyway here I am 9 months later and although I dont feel nearly so bad as I did back then I still hurt, actually although he was mean and nasty with what he did to me I actually still miss him, not sure if its him I miss or just the situation, either way although I am with another guy now who adores me I am finding it so hard to show and feel any emotion at all. I want to feel that great feeling of being with someone and feeling in love but I just feel incapable of doing so, I dont feel like I have anything to look forward to anymore, is this normal? Is there anyone out there who feels the same?

[peterd]

I can only advise on what happened to my friend about a year ago. His girlfriend ended a 7 yr relationship quite suddenly (nobody else involved on either side) & he was gutted. She just decided one day she "loved him" but she "was not in love with him." Anyway they split & he still talks about her lovingly. He met someone else about 3mths ago (really nice girl) who adores him, but he said the same as you in that he just can't show any feelings to his new girlfriend. He said they're turning into best friends more than anything. He would take his ex back tomorrow but realises this will never happen. Seems your not the only one.

[Englishbird]

I get it honey x It's taken me a good two years to really get over my ex (four years together), and he was a complete ars* so I imagine if you actually went out with a nice guy, except for what he did, it could take longer.

Whilst I'm worried that i've become quite a cold fish, I also know that with the right man it will be different. It's only natural for your barriers to come up and protect yourself from more potential pain, but as long as you are aware of that and work to lower them slowly, then this needn't destroy all future relationships.

I don't know if you've not quite given yourself enough time to mourn, or maybe he's not the right one, only you can answer that.

I know exactly what you mean about having that feeling, I'm craving it now, and i'm scared that i'm incapable of loving completely again. But at the same time, I know I will, and I know that when it is really right, with someone who will protect me not make me cry, that it will be worth the wait.

Be kind to yourself, breaking up, especially with the added pain of being cheated on, should never be underestimated. Normal service will resume, it just takes a bit of time, which is incredibly frustrating, but hang on in there.

[Bohne]

From my experience: Yes, it will go away...

You probably should have taken more time for yourself, to learn to appreciate yourself and learn what you are worth.
Once you know you deserve better, you'll start feeling like SUPERGIRL!

If you cannot give your new man what he deserves, be honest with him, and if must be, end the relationship until you are ready for another.

After being with an ex for six years, it took me about three years, without any serious relationships to get to that point!

[rampart]

Everything you are feeling is quite normal, but over time your heart will heal. It took me well over a year to get over one of my girlfriends, and during that time, I went through every unpleasant emotion there is.

Ultimately, I accepted the situation and moved on, and fell in love again.

It is difficult to see someone else while you are feeling this way. You will have to decide how to go forward with that. On the one hand, you need time to heal so that you can open up true feelings; on the other hand, you must not cheat yourself of your next love. If the new fellow adores you, he will work with you through this troublesome time. If you do continue to see the new fellow, talk about your feelings with him, but I wouldn't dwell on them too much. The future is more important now than the past.

Best of luck to you.

[zara 4]

Have you still got a lot of anger buried inside?If so you need to get rid of it through any way thats best for you,then perhaps you can move on and be happy you deserve to,I've been there too and i was angry and i didn't even realise i was holding on to it.Sorry,does that make sense?

[WendyS]

Furner - Endings of relationships are another form of bereavement and the loss of love and friendship need to be mourned and grieved over in the same way as a death. If you ask most people how long it takes them to recover from a bereavement they will almost all tell you "A lot longer than 9 months", and your situation is similar. I suspect you're expecting too much of your emotions too soon, and got involved in this relationship before your "grieving" process had really been worked through. Grieving and mourning is a process that simply cannot be hurried. When you are really through it you will know . Have you talked about your feelings to your new boyfriend? He may be hurt to know how you are feeling but if he really loves you, do you think he would be prepared to have a break from this relationship for a few months to give you time to work through your emotions?. Things will get better in time but I worry that you may not be giving this new relationship its best chance to thrive while you are still having negative emotions for somebody else. Perhaps it's fairer to have a break for a while and sort yourself out, rather than jeopardise it in the long term.

[Bowieblue]

I agree with Wendy. My situation is similar. My question is titled 'One step forward two back'. I would feel exactly the same as you if I met someone else at the moment. Talk it all out with this chap, as has been said, if he thinks the world of you (REALLY I MEAN) he will stand by you until you are ready. Please talk, talk, talk. My ex partner wouldnt communicate with me at all and wanted me to accept being a 'good friend' to him. No chance - not after the way he used me.

[yellowduck]

I feel the same. My relationship with my boyfriend of just over a year ended about a month and a half ago, and even though I no longer feel like crying every single second of the day, he is literally always on my mind, I think about him constantly. I do realise that we've not been broken up that long, but I thought by now I'd have been feeling still sad yet more philosophical about it - you know, it all being for the best, and no going back etc but I certainly don't feel like that yet. What I miss most is just the closeness, both physical and mental. I miss the feel of hugging him, and kissing him and his smell and all that - the parts to him that I felt no one else could appreciate in the same way. If you were in a really loving relationship then you were probably best friends so it's not just a lover you've lost. I'm not saying all this to try and make you more depressed but I'm just trying to show you that I completely understand how hard and why it's so hard to get over a serious relationship. You've shared basically one life for the past five years so you're obviously going to need lots of time to 'find yourself' (however corny that sounds!). I would persevere with your current relationship cos people don't tend to fall in love with you all that often in one's life (you may be lucky though, I don't know!) and you'll learn how to merge your life with him instead of your ex. Or, even if you don't feel that connection, at least you'll be able to move on from this relationship, knowing you're one step closer to finding your next love. I hope this helps xxx

[espresso]

As the others have said, yes the pain will go away, I was with someone 7 yrs, married for 2 of them, he had an affair etc etc that was 3 yrs ago. You go through the loss/bereavement, shock etc I even blanked out alot of the hurt for a while until I was able to deal with it. You do heal, it's a process that you work through.

I am now very happy with someone who truly loves me and is right for me, but it was an interesting journey getting here!

At times it was like being 25 again, meeting new people, going out having fun, regaining my identity, quite liberating! I dated a few men who in some ways acted like stepping stones, to enable me to trust again. I also got to the stage that I was a very happy and strong individual, in fact I was happy being single and then that's when I met my new man....

You'll be just fine, don't make yourself love someone, look after yourself, enjoy being who you are and one day the right person will come along :o) xx

''The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters...''

[rosieo]

the exact same thing happened to me. i got over it by staying away from men for a year and just going out with the girlies. you need time to get over one relationship before you get into another, otherwise all your emotions become confused. i'm sorry if this is completely useless to you, but it worked for me.x