The Budget Speech 2014

[10ClarionSt]

Mr. Speaker, when this government came to power in 2010 (actually, power is the wrong term. We didn't have an overall majority with a mandate from the people so we fudged it with the looney Lib Dems), we inherited a complete shambles of an economy which was totally the fault of the party opposite. OK, they saved the entire economic situation from complete meltdown by by bailing out the banks which protected jobs and savings but that came at huge cost that this country couldn't afford. There is no truth in the rumour that the root cause of the economic crisis can be found in the Thatcher government decisions to relax all restrictions on borrowing and lending back in the Eighties, creating a legacy of financial catstrophe. No truth at all. However, the crisis required action that the Tories are best at Mr. Speaker and keeps us true to our unwritten motto, "Kick the 4rse of the working class". The economic actions we have taken so far, have ensured that all those who were finding life difficult have found it even harder now. After all, the working class are just a bunch of lazy, scroungers who do nothing but complain and sponge off the state, unlike all our millionaire members on this side of the house, who will benefit from the recent upturn in the economy. Mr. Speaker, it's now quite clear that people have got more disposable income than they care to mention. My spies, er sorry, observers, tell me that everyone has a mobile phone, a nice car, sound system, plasma television, computer and foreign holidays. Charities are are announcing record amounts donated after their appeals, e.g. the Phillipines Hurricane Appeal, Children in Need etc, so it's quite clear there is no financial hardship in this country for the great unwashed. As a consequence Mr. Speaker, I can gladly announce that from 6 pm tonight, the rate of VAT will be increased to 25% for all purchases, services and transactions. There will be no exceptions. This action alone will greatly benefit the economy by creating more millionaires in the accounting sector. I now turn to fuel duty. which has virtually doubled in the last 4 years, but this is not enough to help the economy out of this mire. as a result, I can announce that from 6 pm tonight, fuel duty will increase by 10p per litre. I can also inform the house that as a result in the reduction in the number of pubs and clubs in the last 7 years i hope to continue this assault on the booze culture by increasing duty on beers and lagers by 50p per pint and £5 on a bottle of spirits. Public transport is also an area that can help the economy and I propose to introduce a 25% increase in fares on all modes of public transort. Utility companies will also help the economy and I propose to increase all utility charges by 20% from 6 pm tonight. On the subject of income tax, there is an unfair anomaly where the higher earners pay the highest amount of tax. Mr. Speaker, this needs to be corrected and I can announce today that anyone earning over £100K p.a. will now pay a fairer rate of 20% on all earnings. This will be more than offset by an increase of 5% tax on all earnings under £100K. This measure will allow high high earners to generate more business and jobs by employing more nannies, nurses and au pairs, whilst they entertain important clients at events such as Royal Ascot, henley regatta, top soccer matches in executive boxes, garden parties, awards ceremonies etc. This seems only fair for our rich friends and anyway, it should help to stop people voting for nutty Nige, the UKip dipstick. I now turn to state benefits. The cuts will continue and people who think it's been bad so far will be in for a shock as we continue to root out the scroungers and cheats, because from where I sit in my Rolls Royce and privileged background, that's just what they are. Mr. Speaker, there is more money to be had from the people of this country. We will continue to "Kick the 4rse of the working class" and put more money into the treasury coffers which can be used for much needed projects such as Fracking, HS2, badger culling, buying planes for our 2 new aircraft carriers, funding holidays for convicts and other vital issues. Mr. Speaker, this is a budget for millionaires everywhere and I commend it to the house!

[AB Editor]

Edited so the whole thing is in one post...

[jim360]

That's great, now let's see something satirical.

[Baldric]

http://www.chambers.co.uk/search.php?query=TOSH&title=21st

;-)

[boxtops]

Since the Chancellor appears to think that we all relax by drinking or playing bingo, you may well be right. As they said on Question Time on Thursday night - this was a budget for the Haves, not the Have Nots.

[Baldric]

I usually have a tab open with Chambers Dictionary on it, I can't get that atm either,

[New Judge]

“I now turn to fuel duty. which has virtually doubled in the last 4 years,”

The attached is from “Standard Note” no. SN842, dated 10th January 2014, and deposited in the House of Commons Library:

“In its 2009 Budget the Labour Government announced that in future years fuel duties should rise by 1p a litre above inflation. A commitment to increase excise duty rates in real terms each year is often termed an ‘escalator’

In his first Budget in June 2010 the Chancellor George Osborne did not change duty rates, but said the Government would be exploring options to stabilize road fuel prices, and to have a duty discount for remote rural areas. In his Budget on 23 March 2011 Mr Osborne proposed three changes to duty rates: an immediate cut in the rate by 1p, a suspension in the previous Government’s duty escalator, and a delay in the two duty increases set for April 2011 and April 2012, to keep duty rates in line with inflation.

Continued concerns about the level of fuel prices over the following two years has lead the Government on five occasions to postpone or cancel proposed duty increases, so that duty rates remain unchanged since Budget 2011.”

[There then follows details of the various announcements the Chancellor has made since then which keeps fuel duty at 2011 levels]

I know satire does not need to be 100% accurate, 10CS, but you must try to retain a bit of credibility !!!