Any Thoughts Please

[marion29]

I have an ongoing family situation, too complex and tedious for others to go into here.(Goes back years) This particular dilemma involves an adult son who is a bully and a thug, likely a psychopath, he does have a disability and Aspergers Syndrome, but that's not the reason he behaves as he does. He has been like it since he was a child (now 30) it was categorically not the way he was brought up in our household, help, advise was continually sought from the health Service, Doctors, psychologists etc., but they never able to come up with much that hadn't been tried already. He does have a biological Father and Grandfather who had similar personality traits and even though he didn't know them much as I divorced his Dad when he was a toddler, he seems to have inherited genetic traits.

He is very bullying and quite cruel to his 2 children aged 9 and 5, the older who's a boy is very bright but also very sensitive and has experienced his Dad bullying and being cruel and threatening to his wheelchair user wife. When I also tell you that he is not in a wheelchair (though has a physical disability as well as the other things) he is about 6 foot 2 and 22 stone at least, imagine how utterly intimidating he is?

I and other family members have tried various things, but we don't get far as he's very clever and highly manipulative and very good at fooling the authorities. One time around 2008-09 I did step in and reported him to the services, anonymous of course (he knew or presumed) they came and checked things, but nothing else happened and he kept a lower profile for a while, but I was banned from seeing my grandson, who I'm very close to (he wanted to live with me and my partner-his Grandad) for about a year, though his Mum let us have sneaky get togethers while he was at work/out.

I do have some allies at Grandson's school and other places, but still very difficult. The current ongoing saga is that like many children do, he has used food/eating as a weapon, to get some control and hid Dad (my son) was also a faddy eater, that gave me many issues, so he's hypocritical too! This has got worse as Grandson has got older and I believe it's in response to the ongoing family chaos. His Dad has even spoken of his "concern" to the school about his food, he's not getting enough nutrition (though not enough sleep either) talked of taking him to the GP about it, doing a BMI check etc. But I have seen and have evidence that the way his Dad is handling it is cruel and actually making it worse and I wonder should I speak to the school about it? They became concerned themselves some month ago as he was so fatigued and unwell etc., and the school nurse and myself had a very good, long talk, she said she found it very difficult to speak to my son about it or anything.

Very recently at a school sports day for the younger girl, lots of families having a picnic watching all the action, Grandson wouldn't eat his ham sandwich, wanting fruit and other bits instead. His Dad really had a go at him, saying if he didn't finish it (for the protein)he would be "severely punished", would be sent to sit in the car (hottest day of year, so that would be nice!) and similar comments that went on &on, ruining everyone's day. I did say something as I thought what more can he do to me he hasn't already (I only see him because of the kids) of course I was shot down in that I didn't know anything, he was "disciplining" "doing it for his own good"" etc., same old, same old he always has same MO. The only thing he did grudgingly agree with was he said he would take him to GP and I said there's no point as it's not really physical, so he said maybe he should take him to mental health services!!! So do I contact the school nurse and tell her? Will it help or add to my Grandson's woes?

[boxtops]

I feel sorry for the children - and equally for you on the sidelines. Are you (as grandmother) actually permitted to discuss the children's welfare with the school and their GP, since they don't live with you?

[woofgang]

If the child is being abused, then social services.

[black_cat51]

i think it's pretty unequivocal if you think children are being mistreated, you have to do something about it. the NSPCC have an anonymous helpline.
Having said that, when my daughter refused to eat, because she was being naughty, i shouted at her, and i'm certainly not abusing her!

Would your daughter in law be open to an approach?

[anneasquith]

social services/ ncpcc. better safe than sorry.

[ummmm]

Is he violent?

[RATTER15]

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/the-nspcc-helpline/how-to-contact-us/how-to-contact-us_wda89787.html