Cancer - What to say

[Englishbird]

My uncle has just found out that he has bowl cancer and secondary cancer of the spine. We all know there's no way out of this. I'm feeling fairly pragmatic about it at the moment, but was just wondering what I say to him next time I see him.

He could go downhill very quickly from here, or it could take a while, no-one knows. He's not an excessively emotional man and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Do I say nothing and wait for him to bring it up if he wants to, or is it better to be direct and get it out in the open. I know it's difficult as everyone reacts differently, but just wondered what your opinions were. tia EB x

[loobie]

Sorry to here about your uncle englishbird, must be a distressing time. If it was me I think I would just start off by saying how are you feeling? then he can choose as to whether to go in to detail or keep it to a minimum. And that way you haven't been the one to mention the awful 'C' word.

Good luck and allthe good wishes in the world to your uncle.

[nursecarla]

i lost my dad to cancer and when we were told there was nothing that could be done for him it you can imagine how hard it was, i think its important to strike a balance keep him positive be cheery and talk about all the stuff you usually talk about but at the same time dont insult his intelligence by ignoring the obvious, if he wants to talk about what he has then allow him to start the conversation, there are no right or wrong things to say just spend as much time as possible with him, you will find that people who are in this situation are very strong often stronger than the family.

[abilicious]

I, too, lost my dad to cancer (recently). He was very upbeat, without losing sight of the reality of the situation, and we took our cue from him. The time we had left was filled with talk of happy memories, particularly family times, and towards the end my dad said he had had a very full life and was ready to go. That time we had was very special, and although cancer is a dreadful disease, at least it usually gives everybody the opportunity to 'cross the t's and dot the i's'. My dad was not an emotional man either, but we didn't let it stop us from telling him how much he meant to us, and how much we loved and valued him.

I wish you and all your family the very best.

[smudge]

Sorry to hear about your uncle Englishbird. These situations are always very awkward to deal with.

I would start off by chatting about everyday things & wait for him to broach the subject. He may open up & tell you how he's feeling - then again, he may not want to upset you.

Ask him if there's anything you can do for him, etc. I'm sure that would make him feel happier knowing you care, although he already knows that.

Take care. -x-

[WendyS]

There's no right or wrong way. My own personal experience is that men are less good at being open with their emotions and talking about their fears and get embarrassed by what some of them regard as "touchy feely" discussions. I suggest you tell him how sorry you are, but you're quite happy to talk about it if he wants to talk, so that he needn't worry about embarrassing you or your being sensitive about it. Then leave it up to him and give him all the emotional support you can.

[funkymoped]

hey there English.

i lost two family members to cancer, and it was agony for everyone of the family. best not to cover the fact up too much, but dont be too forward about it. none of us want to know when our time is up, but having cancer is a big indication that we havnt long left on this planet.

i wasnt brave enough to do it, but now i feel it would have been better to just ask if he wants to talk about it. let him know you can be there for him 24-7 if he needs someone to talk to, or just there to listen.

emotions are better if you can release them, if you or he needs to cry, dont feel that you are doing a bad thing if either of you loose it a little bit.

[gessoo]

I lost my Dad to cancer. There were times when I just knew he wanted to talk about it, especially to me. He knew he was dying and just wanted to express his feelings. My mother refused to let this happen or refused to acknowledge the fact that he was terminally ill. She tried to make sure I was never left with him alone. Fortunately, I was able to visit him secretly in hospital and we shared some valuable hours. I know these shared times gave him peace of mind.

Let him guide the conversation and pick up on what you feel he wants to talk about. We are all different.

[gessoo]

funkymoped, With respect don't forget that having cancer isn't always a sign that we have not got a long time left. My grandfather had bowel cancer at 72 and died aged 90 from old age, bless him.

[Hermia]

I would just ask him how he is and take your cue from him. Some people want to talk about it and some don't and you have to respect their decision.

My dad died of cancer and the thing that annoyed him/me most was the amount of people who said, "don't give up hope, you never know what medical advances are around the corner". He was riddled with cancer and there was truly nothing more that could be done and people coming up with inane comments like these just drove him loopy.

[funkymoped]

gessoo.

was talking about this particular case. English has herself stated that there is no way out.

some cancers are cureable, most are not.

i lost both my oldest brother and my dad to stomach cancer in the past 4 years. also lost a good friend at work to a cancer that was behind his eye.

i dont think there was a need to single me out for my reply, but point taken....

[Robinia]

You've had some lovely replies already so I'll keep this short.

You could try waiting for him to bring it up but from experience I'd say the best opening line would be something like 'I have absolutely no idea how you must be feeling right now, but I'm here to listen if you'd like to tell me...'

Hope you get the chance to talk, all the very best.

[smudge]

Just addition to my previous post.

My dear Dad died of cancer too. I remember sitting on his bedside at home, chatting about his old days, his Mother & brothers - it's something that will always stay with me. Cherished moments. -x-

[gessoo]

funkymoped, I didn't mean to single you out. I just thought that if people who had just been diagnosed with cancer read your post it might upset them. English's post indicates that her uncle does not have any chance of a cure, but quite a few do. Many cancers are curable if caught early.

Sorry, if I upset you - I certainly didn't meant to.

[funkymoped]

gessoo. not upset, and you are correct.

perhaps i should have worded my original reply to indicate it was for this thread only and not all cancers....

[Englishbird]

Thank you all so much for your replies - there's a lot of pain out there isn't there.

Robinia, I especially like the bit about saying 'I have no idea how you're feeling'.

I think I'll let him lead the way, knowing him he's probably more likely to joke about it rather than the deep and meaningfuls, but even if he does joke about it, I'll take this as a lead that he does want to talk about it.

I'm never backwards in coming forwards, and i'd always rather be direct about things than avoid them, but it is very personal and it's his call. I'm rather peripheral to it all as obviously it's his family primarily that will suffer, and my parents next. I guess we've all got to go sometime, but 60 years just doesn't seem enough time anymore, especially not for the good ones.

Unfortunately I've been through it before with my ex's mother, and I think that makes it harder, having seen what Cancer does to people, and knowing how it's going to end. This is when I wish euthanasia were in place, so he wouldn't have to suffer right to the end. But as I say, that's life, and we just have to get on with it. We just have to make sure he enjoys what he has left.... as do we all.

Thanks again for your replies, and I hope you are all ok. x

[Robinia]

Thank you Englishbird. The fact that you are peripheral could actually be an advantage if he does want to to talk. You see I had cancer, a more treatable type, 20 yrs ago & unexpectly survived. When I was at my very worst I wish I'd had someone close, but not too close, to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of good nursing care in hospital & practical help from family but no one really knew how to talk to me & I wasn't the type to talk about my feelings. Now I never shut up!
Of course, there are also a lot more opportunities nowadays with counselling, internet etc. but that's not always what people want or feel like doing.
And if your Uncle likes a good laugh & a joke keep those coming too!
Once again, all the best.