Married ...with Feelings For Someone Else...

[Chasingcars]

This is very difficult for me to write, as somehow writing this out loud, makes it now much more real.
I am married of 5 years, with a 2.5 year old little girl. I am 36 years old, though not sure if thats relevent or not in this scenario.
My husband and I have a pretty good marriage, we have the usual arguments as every other couple I would imagine, and I would be lying if I said things hadnt been more stressfull since the arrival of the little one!
But all in all a good marriage..
However, over the last few weeks I have been developed feelings...quite strong emotional feelings for someone else I recently met.
I hadnt gone looking for someone else, and its not a physical attraction that drew me to him, but he has been working at our house on some building projects and over the weeks, we have chatted about all sorts, and i suddenly realised my feelings for him, run deeper than that of just friends.
The feelings have become so strong, I honestly feel we are soul mates, we connect on some many things and it got me thinking how little my husband and i have in common afterall.
This man I met, has also now told me he has feelings for me, and we both have a very stong connection, and I am, I have to confess, totally in love with him, and he with me...
As I say, initially it wasnt anything physical that attracted me to him, it was completely his soul and our connection at that level. Nothing has happened between us, and it wouldnt, as he is also married too, and also has 2 children (teenagers)
We both believe we should be together, and i guess in this question, there are actually many:
If I am married, can you love someone else? Can you love 2 people at the same time? Or are there different types of love?
Or the fact I am having feelings for someone else, ( anyone else for that matter) does that mean i shouldnt be married...?
The feelings i have are so strong, I am thinking of leaving my husband, and that alone is a huge thing to contemplate, especially having my little girl.
Is any challenge so great it cant be done or has anyone else had a similar experience and things worked out ok?

I just believe life is too short and something is telling me to follow my heart...
I just feel something is drawing us together, and every waking thought is on this person...and every second I want to be with him.
Work finishes on our home shortly which means he wont be around every day, but even before we admitted feelings for each other, we already had become good friends. So in the coming week we will see each other, just not every day, and I honestly dont know how I will get through each day not seeing him...this feels like love to me.
I thought i loved my husband, but now experiencing these feelings which are so totally overwhelming, i question now what me and my husband have...

I cant speak to my friends about this,as they are also close friends with my husband,and I would not want to put them in a difficult position. I could talk to my mum, but again she is close to my husband and I wouldnt want her acting differently around him or me. So AB'ers, over to you, I feel you all may be able to give me your honest and real life experience answers which I would really be very grateful for right now...thank you.

[DaisyNonna]

What about her husband? Does he just accept her infidelity if he finds out?
Does she live forever with the guilt or is she supposed to tell him and accept the consequences? Or is infidelity normal and therefore unimportant?

[anneasquith]

no. it always always involves lying and deceit. people fall out of love, but I always think waiting until a replacement comes along before leaving a marriage is very unsavoury . sorry for the digression on your thread cc.

[askyourgran]

Sounds really cosy, you with your rose tinted glasses on. Take a good look at your husband and your little one, could you honestly give them up for some one you have only known for a short time, you will be ruining your families' happiness. For all you know this man might try it on at every job he does. Has he suddenly decided he will leave his wife, now after all this time, he may be a serial adulterer, I would lay odds that he never will leave her. Get over yourself, and read this back to yourself in a few years time. Your family are worth more than a fling with flattery.

[kylesmum]

Be careful.The grass isn't greener on the other side.I've found that out. It was too late for me

You have take time to balance what you have and what you want...most times at the end of the day it's what you have which wins.

[tamborine]

Could you trust this bloke to look after your daughter when you go out? Is he worth risking her welfare?

[Cloverjo]

Enjoy your flirting with the builder while he's there. He's spicing up your life a little bit, but you can't leave your husband, and he his wife for this. As others have said, he might do this at every job he has.
Try to get things going with your husband again. Have a weekend away if you can. If you're not ready for a new baby yet, don't have one, but you can still practise!

[ummmm]

You say a few weeks. Do you really believe you can be in love in a few weeks?

My opinion...keep your distance. Affairs destroy people. Not just in the here and now but in future relationships. Your actions now could affect your husband for the rest of his life. It's just not fair.

[Old_Geezer]

"If I am married, can you love someone else?" Can you love 2 people at the same time?

Why not ? IMO love is mainly a combination of lust and friendship. Whatever it is that stimulates that part of the brain to make you feel like that is unlikely to say, "just one trigger at a time only". It's not what you feel, one would have to be dead not to feel for others, it's have you choose to respond.

"Or are there different types of love?"

Of course. Mainly a different balance of lust and friendship IMO. After all love for one's fellow man or mankind is going to be different to love of your sexual partner isn't it. There are all sorts of balances, all sorts of feelings labelled as love for they have many things in common.

"Or the fact I am having feelings for someone else, (anyone else for that matter) does that mean I shouldn't be married...?"

Marriage is a human convention. IMO it is an irrelevance, but folk like it as a celebration and formal commitment. And control freak governments push one into it anyway with different advantages for different relationships within society. But maybe you meant permanent relationship instead ?

This is a personal decision but before rushing into change I'd advise considering whether your existing relationship hasn't gone stale through lack of attention and whether you can repair that first. After all you have invested a not of your life putting it together; does it make sense to throw that all in simply because you feel for someone else, that the grass is greener elsewhere ?

I'm sure some have split from their partner and found happiness elsewhere. Others have opted to value what they have and use other feelings as a wake up call and repair the existing relationship. And more have opted for a "bit on the side" with varying results. Ultimately you have to make your own decisions.

[Old_Geezer]

...how you choose to respond

As I typed !

Why does the tech ensure errors even more often in bits added at the end ?

[Old_Geezer]

... a lot of your life...

Why is there no edit facility ????

[ummmm]

Nicely put, OG.

[murraymints]

wait and see what happens after he has gone from your home..it is easy at the moment as he is there every day..I suspect this guy is a player and has games with the women he is working for..of course he will say he has an unhappy marriage..staying for the kids etc..you would be very naive to expect otherwise...

you need to breathe some fresh air into your marriage that's clear...get a babysitter and go out more or away for a short break...all marriages change when children appear..

It would be a HUGE jump to do anything over what I can see is an infatuation with the forbidden fruit..as someone said grass is not always greener when you get to the other side...

[soapnumpty]

To me it sounds like a crush or infatuation. I don't think it is possible to truly fall in love with someone in a few weeks in the scenario you describe, ie a few conversations whilst he is working in your house. He sounds bored with his marriage & probably does this a lot, & you are also feeling neglected. My suggestion is to have a few weeks away from this man once the work finishes & make a real effort with your husband. Don't feel guilty for having these feelings, you are only human! You need to be certain you don't love your husband, rather than just leaving him for someone you think you love & might show you more attention.

[Retrochic]

I know this is just conjecture, but the more I think about this the more I think 'don't go there'. We once had a carpenter who subbed for us, who flirted with what he called 'the bored housewives' and would take it as far as they would let him,which surprisingly was all the way on many occasions. He was single but invariable the 'my wife doesn't understand' was a real turn on apparently. I'm not saying this is the case but suggesting you steer well clear and forget my suggestion earlier to take the relationship further.

[KittyGlitter]

I would ask yourself how you felt about your husband before you met this man. If you were happy, I would think very carefully about leaving him. Like others have said, once you do this there is no going back. Strong attractions, feelings of connections, love etc are incredibly powerful and can send us a bit crazy! Over time, these subside and you get back onto a more even level. Maybe give yourself a time limit in which to decide...good luck.

[Samuraisan]

Forget him and grow up. You are in lust, not love. When you get married you are making a vow, you would destroy so many lives by leaving your husband. Think about what attracted you to your husband in the first place and put a bit of spice into your sex life with your HUSBAND. Your child needs his mother and father to be together, as does your builder's. Don't be selfish and stupid.

[Hypognosis]

No wonder the building project has dragged on for weeks, if he's spending all his time chatting you up. How many £££/hr is it for a chin-wag, these days?

We've heard of workers and shirkers but there's no shortage of thise who shirk at work, it seems.

If it's a fixed-price, fixed-deadline job, as opposed to a "meter-running" arrangement then at least he isn't a complete con artist.

If your husband is working his nuts off to pay for this build, for pity's sake don't kick him in the teeth as well, by running off with the builder.