Hi chrissa, so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.
Completely different situation but my husband has been ill all his life with kidney problems and has had 2 transplants. A couple of years ago he was going through a 'poorly patch' which just seemed to affect his mental state. He point blank refused to take his tablets, pushed a doctor and walked out of the hospital 11pm at night. He was picked up by the police about 14miles from the hospital heading home. Totally out of character for him and when we managed to persuade him to go back to the hospital they didn't care about his mental state and told us if he refuses his tablets and treatment then we want the bed for someone else. It was a horrific time as he wouldn't listen to me (I pleaded, got angry, used the kids as a guilt trip, everything!) nothing worked. Thankfully the transplant co-ordinator knew how to speak to him and was a God send to us, she coaxed him round, got him to take his tablets and eventually he returned to his old self. I was relieved but I admit I was upset that he wouldn't do it for me and the girls and it took someone else to get him to, but his mental state just wasn't right. Even typing about this brings tears to my eyes remembering it.
Your husband being as ill as he has been could account for how he is being although from what you have said it seems there is more to it. I hope me telling you what happened to us helps you and if there is someone who has the compassion but not the closeness of the family could talk to him it may help a lot.
Thoughts are with you and the family chrissa, it's such a tough time to be going through for all of you xx