How can she be a lesbian?

[dollypins]

My friends mother has just come out as gay. I can't understand how you can suddenly decide you are gay. She's been married to her husband for 16 years. My friend is really upset and hopes that her mum is just having a midlife crisis.

Either it's a phase she's going through or she's always been gay? What do you think? What advise can I give my friend?

[jomifl]

She is still the same person isn't she?

[daffy654]

My mum had been married for 15 years and had 8 children before she came out. She claimed she was conforming to what society expected of a woman at that time but knew all along she was living a lie.

[B00]

After being married for 16 years I can fully understand why becoming a lesbian looks attractive sometimes!

[cazzz1975]

I agree with daffy, it could be that your friends mother now feels at a place in her life where she can stop living a lie

[rockyracoon]

Can you have a phase at being gay? I'd be inclined to think she's always been gay and now has the courage to live her life true to herself.

[sara3]

why wouldn't your friend just want her mother to be happy?

I'm sure her mother isn't that interested in your friend's sex life.

[dollypins]

Its strange as there were no clues, nobody suspected as she's a very feminine woman. Hair and nails always perfect, salon treatments, girly clothes. We don't know if she has left for another woman but the whole town is talking and some people have made a few remarks behind her back. My friend feels really embarrassed. She loves her mum but her dad is heartbroken and shocked and he is hoping she'll change her mind.

[sara3]

your friend needs to grow up a bit.

[sara3]

what sort of clues were you expecting?

[mickrog]

that may mean her new friend is the masculine side in the relationship.....assuming there is a new relationship

[rockyracoon]

It's all vey sad for the family after a break up just be as supportive a you can Gay people come in all shapes and sizes, not all lesbians are butch much the same as not all gay men are lycra wearing mincers, like the telly would have you believe.

[askyourgran]

There are a lot of women who marry and have children, possibly for the sake of conforming to family expectations. Only later do they realise that life is really passing them by, and feels they cannot deny themselves any longer. She must have found someone who has brought about this change. It's a dilemma for everyone involved, but she should follow what she feels is right for her.

[daffy654]

Not all lesbian relationships conform to one fem and one masculine mickrog.

[Marijn]

That's not fair to say the friend needs to grow up. Her parents ahve just split up, and the poster says her dad is devastated. How can the friend be happy for her mum at the moment.

[lcg]

they don't have tattoos on their heads, you know. you may be young, but do stop being so judgemental. and i think your friend should be too, otherwise it will damage her relationship with her mum. how she does that is beyond me as i don't know her, but that's the truth of it. her mum is an adult and can do as she pleases and will not have done this to 'hurt' your friend. she really does need to realise that, but it is natural to be shocked and take time to adjust, but never judge. i'd really like to think that lgbt issues had really moved on these days, but...it will take time and acceptance.

[rockyracoon]

Doh, grammar terrible, sorry!

[boxtops]

She can still be a girly lady and be lesbian - not all lesbians are butch, by a long way!

It's the same for blokes - many blokes conform and marry and father children, and come out many years later when they feel that they can at last be true to their own selves.

[S_C]

your friends mother has sexual tendancies towards the same sex.

many people who have these tendancies hide them to the point of living a hetrosexual life for years.

your friend will just have to face the facts and let her mother be who she wants to be , and hopefully respect that.

The best way to do this is to think of it as if the shoe was on the other foot.

remembering that " coming out " was not to popular until fairly recently , and as she was trying to live what was considered the normal life with a partner and children as well as trying to subdue these urges and wants , it must have been very difficult to finaly have to lay their true self out on the table so to speak.

your friends best way to face this is to talk with her mother , remembering to be supportive and not objectional , as im sure she would want her to be if the situation was reversed.