Abuser Who Was Abused - Now What?

[ruthandsam]

My son (sjg) took the brave decision to approach his sexual abuser and ask him why he did it. The reply was, because he had been abused and he's had a sh*t life so don't bother him with all the questions!!!

I just don't know what to say, think or feel.

In response to the answer or more of a way of moving on, sjg has contacted the local rape and sexual abuse support group, which is good news.

I just feel all mixed up because the abuser was the son of my ex-best friend. I'm trying so hard to be supportive but inside I'm a mess. My ex-bf has been trying to contact me again but she has no knowledge of what her son did.

I don't know what I'm really asking but how can I stay supportive to sjg without involving my own feelings, I suppose?

[Sipowicz]

What does sjg mean?

[ruthandsam]

My son's initials.

[wolf63]

Are there not groups that can help you to cope with all that is going on? I don't know the background but it is good that sjg is dealing with the issue and not burying it. If he comes to terms with it (if he ever will) with what has happened now it should he be able to move on with his life.

I take it that no legal action was taken against his attacker?

[ummmm]

Her sons name...

I don't think it will be possible to not involve your own feelings.

[ruthandsam]

The support group is the first step. They will advise, support, etc through prosecution or any way that he needs help. At the moment he is getting advise re the legal process.

[Eve]

I wondered about any groups to help parents or even someone who could put you in touch with other parents who have had to handle the same thing.

It might give you somewhere to direct your feelings separate to your son dealing with his.

[Eve]

I found this one which seems to be in the UK:

http://www.mosac.org.uk/

[daffy654]

What has the fact that the abuser was also abused got to do with anything?

Be there to support your son, if he wants to press charges then you help him to do it, if he doesn't then be there to listen to him when he needs to talk.

As for the ex best friend, she needs to be told what her son did and that he claimed to be a victim himself.

[ruthandsam]

Thank you very much for your advise. Just had a good cry!

[boxtops]

ruth ((♥))

[andres]

Have you reported this matter? The abuser wants locking up! Never mind your ex bf.'s feelings.Incidentally ,why is she your EX best friend. This is serious. Just like the Saville business the abuser might have done it to others.

[ruthandsam]

Thanks again. Yes, it is serious, however, it is my son who has to decide the next course of action not me, once he has all the available options. He will be the one who then has a sense of control rather than the other person. Incidentally he is 21 now so, sorry for not making this clear. The abuse happened when he was a young child.

She is my ex-bf for a number of reasons but mainly because of her over-bearing personality and her life style choices. The thought of even seeing her again just fills me with anger, so I'm not going there, well not at the moment!

[Psybbo]

My heart goes out to you and your son, I hope he gets all the advice and help that he needs to get closure. xx

[emmie]

support your son in whatever he needs, that is important.

[gness]

Ruth, I don't think seeing your best friend will serve any good purpose. It might be a good idea to draw a line under that friendship for good and don't go back.
The man who abused me was the husband of my mother's closest friend. I wasn't believed and they remained friends until her death. I have never forgiven my mother.
You are supporting your son...he needs it and you probably need someone to talk to also.
I wish him well.....he can get over it. Gx

[jno]

this sounds like a case where your son definitely comes before your friend. I think in your place I might tell her that her own son claims to have been abused and may well need help himself (regardless of what he has done to others); but be prepared to lose her friendship for good - which doesn't sound as if it will be too distressing for you.

As you say it is now your's son's choice what to do, but I'd make it clear to him that he must not be held back in his choice by fears of what it might do to your (ex-)friendship.

It sounds as if you are both very lucky - he is able to talk and you are able to listen. Best wishes to you both.

[lcg]

why don't you tell her t sod off and the precise reasons why! i know i would....stay brave x

[China Doll]

A lot of rape and sexual abuse support groups also have the facility for supporting family members too so it's worth speaking to them just for yourself. They can be very helpful.

http://www.kidscape.org.uk/assets/downloads/kswhymychild.pdf

^^^ This is a booklet that we give out in clinic. It's obviously aimed at parents of children but I see no reason why page 7's advice about taking care of yourself shouldn't apply to you too. (I couldn't just copy the section unfortunately and maybe some of the other bits of information will be useful to you in some way too).

[EDDIE51]

By no means all but a high % of child abusers were themselfes abused as children . I believe the abuse changes the perception of the harm they are doing so that they mentally justify it as ''It happened to me , so why not''
My own son was abused by a (now ex) family friend who stayed with us for a few weeks. I later found that his father had abused him, his mother had refused to believe him and hit him for telling her what his dad was doing. Does not excuse what he did to my son but it does explain it somewhat.
In your case I would expect that the ex-best friend would refuse to believe you if you told her what her son did. In my case I tried to talk to the abusers mother but she totally refused to accept anything I said and got very hostile.

[lady-janine]

so much sympathy for you and your son. he must be your main concern and get your full support. your ex-bf and son may need help but not too much sympathy, for different reasons. all very good wishes. ((XX)).