Bereavement

[237SJ]

I`m pottering around on my own today for the first time since my Mum died a week ago. I have had people around me but am now having some space. The thing is, I don`t feel particularly tearful or frankly gutted like I thought I would feel. My only experience of real bereavement was when my Dad died. He died suddenly and even though the fact that he had gone took ages to sink in, I still cried buckets. For quite a few months too. I thought it would be the same or worse when my Mum died but I`m just feeling very pragmatic about the whole thing. I don`t think that`s normal. I knew for the last 2 years that this would happen and I`m wondering if I was more mentally prepared than I thought. Did anyone else feel this way after caring for someone with a long term illness?

[Elina]

Dt, strangely , that's how my co workers feel ;0) I took a broken coffee jar with a jagged broken edge round to every office the other week stating ... 'THATS' why we don't throw glass in the main bin! What's wrong with you people??

[jno]

I think when you know it's coming it's less of a shock than when someone just drops dead. But everyone's different. Nothing's "not normal".

[woofgang]

That's true Jno.

[Old_Geezer]

From my experience death of a loved one from a long term illness does not hit one as hard as a sudden death. One has had time to adjust to the inevitable and may even find relief in the fact that the loved one is no longer suffering. It may hit you later, but no certainty that it will. You feel how you feel. Don't beat yourself up over some imagined/erroneous 'should feel this way' notion.

[Ann]

I lost my dear Mum last May - although she was 90 she was very fit and healthy but sadly died within days after infections set in after a fall. With all the planning of her funeral/thanksgiving for her life and clearing the house, I didn't really have time to grieve and it's only just hit me since Christmas. Not good thoughts but I keep thinking back to her last few days, if she suffered, what she must have been thinking when an uncaring doctor leaned over her and told her she wasn't going to make it and that she would die soon (just shocking - this picture has never left me) I try not to think of her lying there helpless on a hospital trolley whilst being told this (we interrupted them as my brother and I walked in) and then to be told by the same doctor and nurses when we complained about it "it's the patient's rights to be told" - it filled me with horror and I still have to force those cruel words out of my mind.
I try and think of the happy times but grief is strange - it hits you with little reminders when you least expect it.
My thoughts are with you 237, I'm sure you were a kind, loving daughter to your Mum as I hope I was to mine.

[237SJ]

Thanks for all of the further answers and thoughts. They have helped me to understand a bit more about what I`m feeling/not feeling.

[ummmm]

I read that we bury our deceased quickly before the shock wears off.

When my dad passed I sobbed and sobbed but the day of his funeral there was not one single tear from me. I wanted to cry, I felt like crying, but they just didn't come.

Grief is a strange emotion. I'm of the opinion of 'just go with the flow'

My dad was a very well known man and very well liked. Going out became a problem for me because it felt like a constant stream of people coming up and giving me their sympathies.

Anyway...I found talking about him really helped, very therapeutic, so I hope you feel that you can chat about your mum as much as you want (and your dad) x

[lilacben]

My condolences to you first... It is strange becasue my mother inlaw also died a week ago..She had Alzhiemers for a few years and it really turned bad since last october time.. My husband lost his dad years ago at the age of 52..my husband was then 28...he had cancer for only six months when he passed away... My husband took it really bad but this last week with his mum he says he feels different...Not so upset as his dad. Bearing in mind she wasnt herself as we knew her a while ago..as she didnt know any of us ..right back to when she was a child living still at home..
And with myself I really grieved for my mum when she died and it was really hard for a few years..Then when my dad died I just felt like you numb and matter of factly...If that makes sense to you.
Thinking about it I do wonder if we grieve more for the first parent because we are heartbroken for the remaining parent. And are more upset for them being left ....When there partners joins them it seems a relief that they are now together again..which that is all my dad wanted really and followed my mum five years later..
Doesnt mean we love them less but relieved there suffering is over..both physical and mentally ..
Please dont feel guilty about they way you feel...that is really not good for you...it was that that made me ill after my dad want.
Take care. Brenda xx