Is Being A Top In A Bdsm Relationship Really About Empowerment?

[rowanwitch]

Just thinking about this, a friend used to say she liked being dominant as she was able to work through a lot of bad stuff from her life She wouldn't switch roles because of early abuse but did say she enjoyed the responsibility for her partner. He used to say it was all about freedom, when you are completely disempowered in a safe space it is the nearest thing to total freedom. For me it was just a bit of a laugh between consenting adults. What do others think

[jno]

Prudie, I don't think so. Basically, what people have talked about is how they like to be treated, and why, which is illuminating. There's not been any graphic detail. It's fine if people don't want to read this sort of thing, or if they read it to answer the question by saying they don't like it. But I don't think that's reason to remove it. It's a proper Body & Soul thread, imo.

[kvalidir]

I would just like to draw AuntLydia's attention to the context in which I said 'repressed, repressed, repressed' to Naomi. It was in response to her typing 'sad,sad,sad' to me.
There is nothing repressed in enjoying vanilla relationships, nothing whatsoever and I have never stated that there was, but it is repressed to view anything other than what you yourself enjoy as 'perverted' and pass judgement on things a person clearly knows nothing of, does not want to be educated about and has no experience of. That is a repressive viewpoint. We are all free to enjoy our relationships as we see fit, and for myself I could not hope for a gentler, more sensitive tender man that my partner. The idea that there can be no love in a relationship has offended a lot of us I think, certainly me. I am not accusing ANYONE of being repressed in their own personal lives, just in their attitudes to other peoples.

[jim360]

That may very well be so, Prudie, but there is a material difference between, for example, AuntLydia's first comment on page 1, especially when taken with her follow-up on page 2, as compared with Naomi's "Sick", "sexual depravity", or with JD's "disgusting"/"perversion" comments. The former was somewhat judgemental but from a respectful position; the latter were absolutely not, and were frankly rude. Unless of course there are people who enjoy being called depraved: in which case, I say, keep it coming, Naomi, you're just making them enjoy themselves even more :)

[SparklyKid]

Save me a trip to google, but, what on earth is a ""vanilla" relationship ?

[Prudie]

JNO I'm not saying it should be removed just think it would have been with a different set of posters.
There is a fine line between what people see as sexual extras and deviance. That is very much a personal thing. I don't think if I posted that I like a partner to pee all over me (which I don't by the way) I'd have got much support even though I believe that is an equally well-known sexual practise. More to the point I wouldn't dream of discussing it on here.

[kvalidir]

A relationship which involves 'normal' sex, with no kink or BDSM elements or anything too far removed from a mills and boon novel. All of which is obviously perfectly fine and valid for those who like their relationships like that.

[jim360]

"Vanilla" is a term for sex lives that are "conventional", I suppose. Nothing too kinky. Often, but not always, meant to be equivalent to "boring" -- but, of course, that is also rather judgemental.

[jno]

sparkly, it's a basic one, like the default ice cream.

Prudie, I think your suggestion (ugh) is a bit more specific than any of those actually mentioned on the thread? Unless I've missed something.

[SparklyKid]

Thanks.

[Prudie]

It was meant as an extreme example but not unheard of - and you have said ugh - that is my point. We have now just learned that if we don't partake in any other activity than conventional sex we are probably boring and what was it from the other day? - oh yes, old farts.

[youngmafbog]

Can't see what is wrong here at all and no one I have seen on here is a pervert.

If you dont want to discuss the topic dont go into it, it is quite plain from the title what it is and also in Body and Soul.

If it is behind closed doors between consenting adults then live and let live is what I say.

[jno]

"ugh" is just my reaction to the thought of anyone doing it to me. If other people want to do it among consenting adults, they can go ahead, I won't criticise. But that's not really been the tone of this thread, which has been pretty non-specific.

[jim360]

Just for the record, Prudie, I was commenting on how some other people use "vanilla". Myself, I don't usually like, or use, the term, for that same reason. It would indeed be hypocritical to complain of judgement whilst being judgemental in return.

No-one is obliged to get kinky, and they aren't losing out by not doing so either! It's each person's -- each couple's -- choice.

[kvalidir]

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested anyone is 'boring' or 'an old fart' Prudie. People have been labelled as 'perverts', 'deviants', 'sick', 'disgusting' and 'depraved' though, which let's be honest is simply not on.

[Prudie]

I absolutely agree, nothing wrong with whatever people get up to. I'm not explaining myself well but trying to point out that Rowan asked for what others thought and obviously some ABers were going to find it unpleasant. Views were asked for, not just from those who are pro.

[Prudie]

Old fart was on a thread the other day kval. It particularly irritated me and has stuck on my mind..

[kvalidir]

I think that's fair enough, anyone's opinion is welcomed until the personal insults and judgements start, then it crosses a line imho.
It would be fine for someone to say for example
'I would never enjoy being slapped or bitten by my partner- I really cant see why anyone would'
and someone saying
'If you like being dragged round the floor by your hair, you're a disgusting deviant pervert and your partner cannot possibly love you, you're just depraved. Vile'.

Can you not see why many of us are not upset by the former but outraged by the latter?

[Prudie]

"Can you not see why many of us...." err yes funnily enough I can see that. I've not commented on the BDSm bit at all, I just think it was naive to discuss it and not expect some major disapproval. I also stick by my opinion that different people posting from OP to you etc etc and the thread would have been removed. I saw someone post something about quite legitimate about bowel movements (or something) only this week and it was gone after about 4 answers.