Taking On Another Mans Child, Could You?

[Chappers]

A friend of mine is planning on getting married next year, his girlfriend is about 8 years older than he is and she has 2 young children from a previous relationship (don't know if they share a father) My friend right from the start has accepted everything and their relationship seems to be very healthy! But what if that were me? I don't think I could handle it...there's just something inside me that I don't think would let me be happy with it. I know people say that love conquers everything but I don't know if I would be able to wake up every morning and be reminded that the woman I love has at some point been impregnated (twice in my friends case) by another man! HOW can you get your head around something like that?

[4getmenot]

My friend got together with her bloke knowing he was due to be a dad by a one night stand he had before they met. The other woman had a baby boy and my mate said she was fine with it and then she became pregnant herself and had a baby 10 months later. Even though saying she was fine with it, both mothers are always trying to compete and the father seems to be stuck in the middle, even down to my mate getting a DNA test on the other child because she would have done anything to prove it wasn�t his to get the other mother out the way. I know after seeing this and what my friend goes through I wouldn�t be able to do it. But even before I couldn�t have done it knowing that they�ve had all the happy moments of their first child being born and you can never share that with them.

[Pippa68]

Well I suppose it depends on your outlook ~ Mr Pippa has 'taken on' my two children from a previous marriage and I have done the same with his daughter. It hasn't been an easy ride, but bringing up children, whether your own or not isn't supposed to be easy. To be honest neither of us thought about it as taking on other peoples children..we were all a package and that was what we both fell in love with.

My dad did the same ~ he married my mum when I was 6 way back in 1974..I don't think he thought anything of it either. In fact, he said he felt so blessed to have me as a daughter he insisted on taking me on their honeymoon as we were a family. He later adopted me as he planned on having more children and didn't want me to feel any different from them.

[~posy-jo~]

my step dad took on my mum and me. he never had a problem with it xXx

[Pippa68]

That's an interesting thought 4getmenot. When I had our first child together I was worried that it wouldn't be 'special' for Mr Pippa ~ when in actual fact he was ecstatic because even though he had already had his first child (as had I) it was his first child with me..and that was what counted in his eyes. Besides, all children are special!

I didn't feel pushed out when my half siblings came along ~ may dad even announced my sisters birth to me as ''you have a baby sister' not as 'we have had a baby girl' which was awesome. I was also a bit worried when my sister had her first baby as it was my dads first biological grandchild..I need not have worried though as he certainly didn't see it that way :o)

[enigma]

In today's society , the idea of the 'nuclear family' - mum , dad and 2.4 children - is rather outdated. Whilst the majority of children still tend to be born to a heterosexual couple who usually register the birth together - whether married or not - the family unit in today's society is made up of step parents (with divorce rates on the increase) , grandparents , homosexual/lesbian couples etc as well as the so called 'norm'. What difference does it make if the child or children do not live with both biological parents ? As long as they are well loved , secure and nurtured then surely that is what is important , not who is the biological father ? Your friend obviously knows what he is letting himself in for and I am sure he realises what his responsibilities will be. If he can accept this , then you should be happy for him. Being able to concieve a child biologically does not make you a father/mother. Pacing the floor in the middle of the night with a sick child in your arms , comforting them when they are distressed , mopping up their tears and providing a safe , loving home is what makes a father/mother. It doesn't matter who 'planted the seed' so to speak. I have friends who are step parents and do not see at as an issue of who got in there first. It clearly wouldn't work for you by the sounds of things but who's to say if you met the right person , fell in love and they happened to have children that your feelings might change. Do you accept that a partner you may have , may have had other sexual partners before you ? Or do you find it hard to get your head around the fact that she may have been with other men ? Your friend obviously acknowledges that this woman has a past and is comfortable with it , so be a good friend and support him.

[Pippa68]

enigma ~ it's rather primal isn't it? I guess you can cover up the fact that your partner has had sexual partners as long as no child was produced from it..if there are children they appear to be 'tainted goods' for want of a better expression?

I for one am so pleased that not everyone has this attitude, as I have had the best dad I could hope for (my father is lousy) and my children have great parenting from their stepdad in Mr Pippa, and a fab stepmum in their dads wife. Too many kids grow up without two parents..can't it be seen as a little fantastic that they can have four instead? and eight grandparents too, in some cases :o)

[Chappers]

Oh there's no issue of me supporting him, I'm with him totally!

[enigma]

Too true Pippa. What you don't know (or choose not to believe) can't hurt you but a child serves as a constant reminder that the one you loved once was in love with someone else and shared a deep , intimate bond with them and even when a relationship expires , a child still ninds the couple together in the sense that they share responsibility for the upkeep of that child. I can see why some people may feel threatened by this and there is also the possibility that no matter how much you adore your stepkids , the feeling may not be reciprocated and in fact , they may harbour resentment towards you in the respect that they feel that you are trying to replace their father/mother. It's a tricky situation where you have to tread lightly when kids are concerned. I do not have stepkids and am married to my husband who is the father of all of my children , so I am hardly an authority on what is best for step-families - nor do I claim to be but I have many friends who do have stepkids and I am only drawing on their expriences.
Chappers - At least you are honest and I repect that it wouldn't work for you but many step families do work and indeed the step parent can sometimes be a better parent to the child than their biological mother/father. In the cases of remarriages/new relationships , it is sad when children are used as pawns in messy divorces or to manipulate ex partners into doing what they want ie you can have access if you babysit /lend me money etc .(I know someone who does this and it's sickening) Your story is very heartwarming Pippa and there are many families like you where it does work out and the biological parents keep the lines of communication open and everything is amicable. Just think of all the extra Christmas/birthday pressies you would get with an extended family !

[noxlumos]

My wife had a son from a previous liason when we got married and the thought that she'd been "impregnated" by another man didn't really cross my mind I have to say, as that to me implies that she would in some way be someone's property (his or mine) and that idea sticks in my throat. I consider him to be my son, never differentiate between he and my natural children ( or indeed my ex girlfirend's son, not mine, who lives with us too). As someone so correctly stated above having a child does not make you a parent, and it's beyond me why someone would have such a primitive notion as to think it's in any way important. My wife views my sons in the same way ,as her own children, and that's terribly important as I really don't think I could love anyone who didn't treat my kids as their own because I would see that as a massive personality flaw. My question to you is how could any thinking, right minded person NOT get their heads round that?

[hammerman]

I took on my wife's two daughters when they were 4 and 5...that was 12 years ago and we're still together. We also have a daughter of our own whose 7 and she adores her half sisters too.

They still stay at their dads most weekends and we have never denied him access. I've treated the kids as my own although i've never allowed them to call me dad.

[bex401]

My fella has 2 boys from his previous marriage,they are 5 & 7,and we have them every weekend,it can be difficult at times but I also have a 6 yr old daughter from my previous marriage & she absolutely adores my fella.Step-families are'nt the easiest of things but the good outweighs the bad!!

[Chappers]

I guess that I have been brought up in a culture where up until recently it has always been suggested that you wait until marriage to have sex or you at least make SURE you love the other person before you have sex. Our new culture however embraces teen pregnancies, the media almost encourages people to have sex without prior thought. Virginity used to be a gift that you and your partner would exchange when you were sure that it was the correct time to give it. I truly admire people who take on someone elses child...I myself have a stepfather and a stepmother, so I have 4 effective parents! I admire them greatly for that but unless it's true that love conquers all...I don't think I could ever do it myself.

[felinechums]

I think Chappers' ideas are very "proprietorial" in that he is assuming that every man who has a female partner can regard her as "his" exclusively, both before and after she met him. How can anyone justify a man's attempt to control a woman before they met? Every person has a past, and when you begin a relationship you have to accept that the person you are with has been shaped and moulded by their past. Children are the natural (though not inevitable) outcome of sexual activity, and having "been impregnated by another man" does not make a woman less worthy as a partner - however, objecting to it would certainly (in my book, anyway) make the man a less desirable partner.

[ali_alic]

On the flip side. I took up with a chap with 2 kids, treated them like they were my own, was there for the girsl first tattoo (she couldn't tell her mum or her dad about it!!) was there for the lads first hangover - the lot. The lad lived with us for 3 years until his father had an affair and left - just like that - one monday after 9 years together. The boy (15 then) was staying with his mum and sister (17yrs old) for a week at that point, so I saw them the next sat when their father came over and we told them about the split and the reasons. I only saw them once after that. And trust me - that hurt. All the love, time and energy I poured into the relationship so that the kids wouldn't suffer because their dad had a new girlfriend. Then suddenly it was like I never existed. I am now living with a shap with 3 kids and I must say I give them love, time and energy, but there is a part of me that is holding back in case it happens again. It may be great when you are together but if you split then its as if all your love didn't matter. Sorry to be so negative folks!!

[Pippa68]

That is a problem, ali...my ex husband went through it when his previous partner kicked him out. He had been raising her two boys (both emotionally & financially)for 5 years and now never hears a peep out of either of them :o(

I don't worry about our two eldest ~ if the worst was to happen and Mr Pippa and I went our separate ways there is no way I would allow the kids to stop contact with him..and I seriously doubt he would want that to happen either.

Stepdaughters stepdad has told her that he doesn't want anything to do with her fathers children, therefore my kids weren't invited to her party. I felt very sad, no..angry at this remark as stepdaughter is very obviously her fathers child! her mum and stepdad are twisted individuals, unfortunately. We just have to do our best to carry on regardless.

[beejaybee]

My husband took on my son who was a young teen. They get on fantastic. He`s dad to him & granpa to his 3 sons.

[boobesque]

my boyfriend took on my 7 year old son, he loves him like his own and he is daddy now and absolutely loves being a dad to my son, he is only 21 himself but he took to fatherhood like a duck to water and most people comment on how alike they look and what a lovely sight the two of them together are.
My dad isnt my real dad, but he bought me up for the past 21 years, was there when i had my son and carried his coffin when he died, he loves my other son to bits and is the best dad ever.
It isnt who makes you its who brings you up

[raysparx]

I really can't see why it would be a problem,if the children are very young,they will adapt quickly and as long as it is a loving relationship, and is not hard to love kiddies,they are all precious, good luck to them I hope they are very happy, and come on we nearly all slept with someone before we got married,the fact that she had a family life before they met should not matter, remember, "there is no future in the past" they can move forward as a family and that is brilliant, Ray

[funkymoped]

Virgins only for you then Chappers.....
i think you went off the point you originaly made there Chappers....
taking on another mans kids would, i think, be difficult for most of us... from my point of view, i would find it difficult to take on another mans kids simply because im not big on the idea of living with another mans kids ! !
IMPREGNATED !!!! LOL...
hey, this is the 21st century... women get pregnant, have kids/children, a family.. they dont get IMPREGNATED....
sorry to laugh but if you want the woman and she has kids, you either accept or reject her AND her kids.

[noxlumos]

Chappers, could I ask you which culture you were actually brought up in ( fundamentalist religion etc), as certainly for the last 40 or so years in most of Europe and North America ( bible belt excluded) I can't see what you are suggesting being the norm. I was born in 1960, so I'm not the youngest soul on the planet by a long way, but I do find your views genuinely surprising.