Is he really my friend?

[De-Niro]

I have this work colleague, who I get on with really well. Its my 21st birthday soon and I would like everyone to come clubbing with me.

He has said that he wont do this under any circumstances. He does not like this type of thing, but I have suggested that as he is my friend, he would try it for me on this special occasion. He has refused.

We have been friends for 2 1/2 years now and I really thought he would pull through for me this time as he knows how much it means to me.

I always assumed that true mates would sometimes do things they didnt like just because they know the other person will enjoy it. I'm not so sure anymore.

Just for the record, if it was an event that he wanted me to attend, I would certainly do it for him, even if I didn't like it, which i have already offered to do.

[gleaveyweave]

Hi De-Niro. I can totally understand why you are miffed at your friend. I am not into clubbing myself but if a mate was wanting to do this for their birthday, I would do it for them without a second thought. it does seem that he is being rather thoughtless, have you asked him why he is so dead against clubbing? Perhaps there is a very good reason as it does seem very extreme of him to just point blank refuse to go. Failing a very good reason for him not coming, I would make it very clear how disappointed and let down you feel by a guy you considered to be a good friend. Good luck x

[sunflower71]

He may have reasons that maybe he doesn't want to say, it could be anything from social phobia to shyness.

You say he is your friend but you also say he is a work colleauge, do you know all about his home life?

I wouldnt give him too much of a hard time afterall if YOU were a friend then you would make him do something that he clearly doesn't want to do.

[roomster]

Hi De-Niro

I would do anything for my mates birthday as I know they would do the same for me. We are always dressing up on eachothers birthdays and i would dress up as a bean if my mate really wanted to.

Recently on my mates birthday, she hired a Limo. I hate the things. I think they are tacky and there is nothing worse then driving around your town screaming out the window. But i did it because she wanted to do it

I suppose my answer is that if he is a true friend, he should do it. But that is my own opinion and all of my mates too.

[4getmenot]

And true mates should also understand this isn�t his kind of thing, why should he have to go and have a night out that he doesnt like. If he is a mate why don�t you organise a meal out or something. Would you really be happy that he is sat there all night where he doesn�t want to be?

[IggyB]

if he was truely your friend you wouldn't pressurise him into doing something that he wasn't comfortable with - why would needing to see a "friend" of yours unhappy and miserable in a place he doesn't want to be make you feel better about your big night.... think you are being a bit unfair questioning your friendship over his hatred of clubbing, its clubbing he doesn't like not you - however if you keep badgering him and trying to make him feel bad i wouldn't be surprised if he wondered if you were really his friend.

[roomster]

Its his birthday and he probably has a few mates. Why should he have a meal just for one mate?

[De-Niro]

To be honest with you sunflower71 and 4getmenot, if he honestly said he would come then I would probably tell him he did not have too.

Its just the fact that I know he would not do it for me even though I wanted to.

[4getmenot]

And I do know where you are coming from, my bloke hates the local pubs and I used to get so upset when he didn�t want to come out thinking it was me that he didn�t want to be seen with etc. But he has said to me � would you rather we go out somewhere we both enjoy or would you be happy making me come out to a place I�m not happy in� and I�ve seen that if you are a mate you cant force someone to do something they don�t want and you shouldn�t everyone has there own choice. If you want to go out to somewhere you don�t want to be to please a mate then that�s nice but don�t be too hard on him when he doesn�t want to.

[4getmenot]

But De-niro in a way isnt that being a selfish?

[Fiszi]

Friends are always a complicated issue. We have ideas in our head of what real friends should be like and what they should do but reality is different.

I've been through a lot of bad things and my REAL friends have stuck by me. They are here years later, when everyone else is gone. They haven't always done everything I've wanted to do. Sometimes I really want to go somewhere and they wont come with me because they don't like it and don't want to. It annoys me but you get over it. I've done the same to them sometimes. You respect the differences I guess and learn that things like that don't matter in the long run. He could turn it around and say if you were a real friend you wouldn't want to make him do something he obviously dislikes so much.

My best friends have missed my birthdays or parties some years. It gets to you for a few days and then passes.

[ahhdundee]

Sounds like he has another reason for not going. maybe he doesnt want to socialise with other people at your party. Or perhaps he has a phobia which he is embarassed about. If you were my friend I would be more annoyed at you for trying to force me to go somewhere I clearly didnt want to go. You shouldnt take this so personally. A lot of people are not comfortable going to clubs, even with their best mates. Perhaps he might want to go out for dinner with you instead.

[gleaveyweave]

De-Niro, has he suggested an alternative way that he could help you celebrate your birthday?

[roomster]

A lot of you seem to be using the word 'force'. De-Niro hasnt said he is being forceful in any way, he may have only asked him once. Its not like he is dragging him into a club!

[De-Niro]

Gleaveyweave, no he hasn't suggested anything to me. Which would probably help.

For all your attention, just to set things straight, I have not tried to force him to go. I have merely suggested it on passing occasions.

I think the last I left it with him was that he was not going, so no forcing has taken place.

[4getmenot]

Didnt say you were, we just said you cant force him. Isnt it better he is being trueful with you. alot of people say yer I'll go and never turn up or make up excuses. They are the ones that arent real friends. I often organise just a meal for my mates that dont like pubs/clubs or think they are to old for it, or even my friends that have children. and I am happy to do that.

[Hellion]

De-Niro What's to stop you celebrating your birthday in a variety of different ways? Are your family going clubbing with you or are you having a quieter celebration of some sort with them? If you're having a family meal say, why don't you invite him to that instead.

It's always nice to have different friends for different things, I have a friend who i go to Art Galleries with, I have another friend who I always confide in, another with whom I always drink far to much and we have an absolute riot. None of the three of them would get on particularly well together as they have nothing in common ('cept me!) It doesn't mean any of them are any less a friend.
Tell him you'll miss him at the club but you'll have meal/whatever with him later.

[newtron]

If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't to go. It does not mean he is not your friend. It's really not that big of a deal. Do you really want to play that game where he says he'll go for you , but then you tell that he does not have to? I think it says something about your friendship that he is comfortable enough to tell you the truth. He obviously does not think it will hurt your friendship.

[Octavius]

I agree with 4getmenot on this, I have really grown out of clubbing and would probably refuse to go.

Perhaps you could suggest you all meet in a bar somewhere for a few drinks before you go off clubbing and he can join you for that bit of the evening and leave when he wishes.

[suzi-q]

I'd say live and let live. If he doesnt want to go, dont make an issue of it. Its not compulsory, just would have been nice if he could make it. It doesnt mean he's any less of a mate and would probably come through for you in other ways that some of your clubbing mates wouldnt.

[WendyS]

Why should this friend put himself through hoops and spend an evening which is thoroughly distateful to him simply "because he's your friend", even if it's your birthday.. Your tastes are obviously very different and if you are goo friends, you should accep that. Perhaps he just doesn't have the personality which enjoys noisy smoky atmosphere with pop music and lots of drinking.
Don't pressurise him. He may have other agendas too which he doesn't want to share with you.