Is there any point?

[suzie07]

I i'll try to keep this brief, Me any my boyfriend of 3 years, (both 22) have been arguing a LOT recently, and its getting very serious, we literally cant have 1 single conversation without him getting worked up and frustrated! we've tried time apart...going out for meals ect, but he just cant help but argue with me! I am not saying that i am perfect (far from hehe) but he has actually admitted that most of the time it is his fault coz he gets frustrated with me..ive tried to keep peace and its got to the point where im having to think about what i'm saying before i speak! like im walking on egg shells! Every single time I raise my voice or disagree with him about anything he flies of the handle! We love eachother very much, and have talked of moving in together but I cant see past this arguing, our relationship can be perfect one second, then literally all hell will break loose! I know this must sound sooo cheesy and every couple has their problems, and I understand there are a lot worse problems than this, but its really getting me down.. I love him with all my heart, he's actually very loving and caring...I think I just need a little advice, or guidedence... do I just leave it like this? is it just a phase? I have no idea what to do! thanks :)

[Panic Button]

Sorry, but there is no long term relationship there.

You know that.

You just want someone to tell you.

[Loosehead]

My instincts are to go along with Panic Button but before I do can you give us some examples of the sort of thing so we can jusdeg severity. I mean can he not accept any dissent whatsoever? What's you part in this once he has disagreed do you press the point? Do you think he is plain wrong? More inf needed!

[suzie07]

Thats the thing though,believe it or not, we actually get along very well when were not arguing, we are best friends...This may sound very patronising but he is out of work, living with his parents and a single parent raising his son, it could be a mixture of them things getting him down and he's letting it out on me, or am I just being naive?

[4getmenot]

Have a break for a while maybe you just get on eachothers nerves, do you see him alot? You may find that having a break will either make you realise that its just routine and you dont really love him or that you miss eachother like mad.

[laurence2]

Is it you he just flys of the handle with, or is he agressive to others as well.

Obviously all is not well with your relationship, is he the jealous type maybe.

Have you sat down with him, and told him how you feel, if he admits that its him who argues the majority of the time, he should surely understand your frustrations etc i would tell him straight, if he dosen't like it, hes not the one for you. it dosen't hurt to have the odd argument, but on a day to day basis, its unhealthy and can mentally grind you down to the point of you having a nervous breakdown.

Just confront him in a controlled manner and see how things develope from their

[luna-tic]

A member of my family argued for twenty years then their marriage finally fell to bits and they got divorced.The family member married again and is now very happy but speaking of the past ....did wonder why they stayed together for so long.
Sorry this probably doesn't help much. If you sit down together and try to figure out what it is that causes the friction then argue about trying to work it out then you must really dig deep and ask yourself, Is this really going to be resolved?

[suzie07]

Okay...an example...just before xmas we suggested we should spend less time with eachother, go out more with our own friends ect. then just last night, i hadnt spoken to him since erm friday morning...I suggested we go to the pictures (last night) and he went balistic, shouting at me saying im needy and clingy....actually writing this I'm kinda realising that he doesnt want to be with me, feel like such a plonker!

[Panic Button]

Apologies for being so brutal.

You are at a time of your life when you are vulnerable and you didn't deserve my unfeeling reply.

[4getmenot]

Fair enough if he wants a bit of time to himself but there are ways of telling you he doesn�t want to go to the cinema in a normal way without hurtin your feelings. You sound like a nice girl that doesn�t deserve this, unless you have moaned that he doesn�t spend time with you and had a go at him when he doesn�t want to then he shouldn�t treat you this way.

[suzie07]

Thanks for all your suggestions guys! sorry didnt make my Q very clear, with examples etc... just didnt want to drag on about things...To laurence - ive noticed that it is just with me, its quite hard sometimes aswell because he will shout at me infront of his son, and i reeealy dont want his son to resent me, which I dont understand as thats the reason he split with his ex (arguing infront of their child) Its got to the point where I wont visit when he has his son and thats 3-4 times a week, I suppose thats the hardest thing coz i love his son to bits..sorry babbeling now didnt want that to happen hehe xx p.s everytime I do suggest sitting down and resolving things he comes back with 'you always over analyze things' oh dear me im at my witts end!

[Octavius]

Well I agree with the above really. It sounds like there isn�t much of a future in this relationship, certainly if you let it continue this way. I think you need to break from him for a while, possibly with no contact if you are able. Get some self-esteem back and then hopefully you might either realise that there is something better out there, or you may both decide to give it another go � but on new and better terms.

It is upsetting to hear this, but I think you know deep down that although the odd rant and rave at each other is normal for relationship building (and making up!) but consistently arguing is not normal and certainly shouldn�t be part of a rewarding loving relationship � even if your partner is stressed to the eyeballs, they should be able to confide in you and not use you as a sounding board. Don�t be afraid to be single, all the old adages (life�s too short, plenty more fish etc etc) can be used here and once you have been through it you will know they are more often right.

[sleepyj]

dont waste your life arguing you will end up hating each other life is to short your only young go out and have some fun .men say on thing mean something different all the time

[laurence2]

Suzie, i think you know the answer to this problem, just because you love him & his son dosen't mean you have to put up with his rants, i hope you come to the right decision, just try to picture what things might be like, be it for the good or worst in 2/3 years, you've got to say to yourself, is he going to change, or do you just except this, and carry on in this relationship. i get the impression, its a control thing with him, don't be controlled.

[suzie07]

4getmenot - In all honesty I can be a little whiney at times with him, only because i'm struggeling with the whole going back to boyfiend and Girlfiend thing after 3 years of a fairly serious reltionship! Since his suggestion of seeing less of eachother I havent 'complained' once, because thats what he wants..but when I do get to see him its only for a couple of hours so I suppose Im being a bit full on when i do see him (not in that way) but i guess im being a bit clingy, i'll try being 'cool' instead when we do see eachother, and see how that goes!

[Loosehead]

OK I think I agree with the above, it's a non starter. Just don't contact him and see how long it takes for him to contact you. Then when/if he does, be very off hand and look for the effect, if he starts to put in more effort then perhaps there is something, I think though that this is a one side relationship, get out there and get yourself a bloke that likes you!

[4getmenot]

I get like this, he doesn�t understand that I like to see him and hey there cant be a crime in that can there, at least I want to :-) So when he says he cant see me I get upset and do send him nasty texts, I�ve learnt not to have a go at the end of the day it is his own life and he can do what he wants. But sometimes I just wish I wasn�t second best to his mates and I could maybe be included a bit more. I think maybe its worse for you because you were serious and now arent but at the end of the day only you know what to do. You�re a lot younger than me and seem to have many years ahead so don�t make a hasty decision

[PinkFizz]

Have you asked him when he is in a calm mood,exactly why he gets so angry so quickly with you?

[suzie07]

Blimey Charley! Some blunt(ish) answers but very truthful..and helpfull...thanks very much guys, very much appreciated!

[suzie07]

I have pink fizz, but i must be handeling it all wrong...its all kinda new to me because the arguing has only started over the past 3 months, before that we had the occasional squabble but we'd laugh about it....this is my first serious relationship so this whole arguing thing is hard to deal with! I'll chat with him and say if things arent okay you can talk to me and so on, but he'll just say, like he did last week 'i cant be bothered sorting it out' or 'a relationship shouldnt be about 'sorting' out stuff' but hey at least Im making the effort xx

[zimzam]

You don't have a relationship any longer, you have a habit. Three years is really a habit. He's not happy, you are not happy and neither of you are probably to blame but your relationship has become a habit and habits are hard to break. I love romance but its time to let go and have some time apart. If your relationship is meant to survive then it will but far better to do this now than get to the stage of a paper contract and a hell of an egg to unscramble. better to do this now before hate and animosity replaces love - I'm sorry but its time to call a halt and both have some time out.