dilemma, where do i begin??

[firewatch]

I dont know where to put this, help!
Basically its christmas and it has got me thinking.
Some of you may be aware that i have had a lot of health problems this year.

My father told me something quite profound a few years ago whilst we where having a very very heated argument, apparently i was a bad teen (uh i stayed at home never drank never smoked). I had a slight attitude but i think that was related to other issues.
He said that i all ways thought you were never my daughter.
i was very shocked and upset, and we have never spoken of it since, to much time and water has gone under the bridge.

Now i know who the other person is and know they have some medical issues in there family.
My question is this should i raise this point with my father or should i let sleeping dogs lie? This has been eating me up for years and with every that's happening at the moment i want some answers as to where this may b coming from.
I dont know what to do, please someone help!

[sara3]

wow, that's big stuff.

the question is.. can you manage without knowing the truth? me? I'd have to know...

[firewatch]

my point exactly but how do i talk to my dad about it after so long?

[jno]

I think you should maybe sit down and ask your father. If this is something that affects your health you have a right to try to find out about it. (Can't guarantee that you will get an answer, of course.) If anyone has done anything wrong, it's not you.

[Eve]

If it's something you feel you have to know then do you have the kind of relationship with your father where you could sit down and have a talk with him, maybe reassure him as well as to the continuance of your relationship with him should it turn out not to be your father.

Remember that it is possible that it could have just been a flippant comment with no substance or, even if there is a suspicion, your father may not know the truth, if there is indeed a truth to know.

I'd maybe be tempted to try and find out on the quiet if I could before stirring up a potential hornet's nest (eg flippant comment with no substance by father which goes on to cause merry hell with no need).

[jno]

sorry, didn't see your second post, but you could start by talking about your health problems, explain that you think they may be hereditary, and ask if he can help you with some information.

[firewatch]

my mums dead she had been about a year and a bit when he made this comment, i think i could sit down and talk to him, but i am not sure if he would be willing to open up.

[Eve]

I think as a parent they would be horrified that it had been troubling you all this time.

If it were me I'd probably sit him down and reassure him that whatever is said that it makes no difference as to him being your dad but, it's something which has troubled you for years and with all the health issues you have, it's something that you just don't feel you can ignore any more.

Remember, it may be a painful thing for him to raise as well, for example, if there is something in it and he isn't sure or has some suspicion, whether warranted or not.

Bear in mind, he might not know and the issue may not end there and you may not get an answer you want at first, possibly just further and more confirmed doubt.

Whatever the outcome, it would appear he has brought you up as hi own, whether he is your biological father or not.

[Huderon]

Your father could have been saying one of two things. That he never thought you were his daughter genetically or that you personality and character are such that he cannot understand how he fathered you.

How you decide to take what he said is up to you. If it has been bothering you for a long time, I suppose that in the end you are going to bring it up. I also suspect that if and when you do bring it up, you won't be satisfied with his answer. But if you do feel you have to know, pick a quiet time, when you aren't having a major argument, and ask calmly - something along the lines of "You know, you once said you didn't think I was your daughter and that's been bothering me for years. What did you mean by it ?"

Mind you, I wouldn't ask and would take what he said as referring to your character and personality rather than the other option (which might be seen as a compliment in some ways). And don't forget that some people simply have a lot of health problems, even though the rest of their family are disgustingly healthy.

[firewatch]

yup, from 2 and a half when my parents divorced.
I think he has alot of questions he will never find answers for as the person who he would ask is no longer with us.
i don't know whether to email him or wait until we see each other next, im trying to get to the bottom of issues which b causing the anxiety and stress which seem to be triggers. plus the type of arthritis i have is known to be a faulty gene which is hereditary.
oh crumbs what a can of worms!
But its good to finally talk about it.

[bednobs]

hi firewatch, unless you have another username on here, i haven't been aware of the health problms you have been talking about. What type of arthritis do you have? are you sure it's hereditary? even knowing this information wont help or alter your health problems, but it seems to me that it's much less about that than the emotional upheaval you feel. Quite clearly from what he has said, he dosent know whether you are his daughter or not, so how is it going to help asking him? when he dosen't know the answer. I would be more inclined to approach the other person - probably only they will know if they slept with your mum 9 months before you were born. Perhaps you could approach it from the health angle with them

[firewatch]

we dont argue very often, in fact i have nursed him so we do have some respect for one another.
hey bedknobs, its AS, and i have heart issues which no-one seems to know where they are coming from.
i just would like to know for piece of mind as it has been eating away at me.

[unrulyjulie]

Your Dad was the one who brought it up in the first place, he he never wanted to talk about it again, then he should never have mentioned it, and to bring it up in an argument is unfair! I would say you have a right to know. I know i would have to!

My friend found out on her wedding day that the man she thought was her dad all her life, in fact, wasnt! She still hasnt forgiven them for not sitting down and being honest. It "came out" by accident!

Good luck hun and let us know what you decide. xxx

[Eve]

Ahhh have they picked up the HLA B27 for AS? I'm getting tested for it for my arthritis in case that is serogenative or AS.

It can be that some people just have health problems when others don't.

My brother is ridiculously healthy whereas I've always been more or a sickly thing.

My mum has menieres, as do I, and my dad is seeing gastro, as am I, thought, bar being more aware of what was happening to me with the meniere's I can't say knowing about either would have made too much of a difference, save maybe an earlier diagnosis and I guess a better idea of what may happen in the future.

Other things which are family related like low blood pressure haven't made a difference though I can see how histories of things like heart problems or certain cancers or other genetic or hereditary diseases I can see where you are coming from.

[firewatch]

thats the ones they are planning to jenna, but at the moment my symptoms are right of the text book, had the doctors cared to join the dots earlier i would have avoided a good few years of suffering.
Its the heart conditions which i am concerened with, there is very little to no history we are aware of in my family and with the fact the docs have no idea where it is coming from i would like to know if there is another root to finding an answer.
my brothers the healthier one in the family well he has his own crosses to bear, as does my sister who has MD ( i think hers comes from our mothers side), but i am the one with the questions. ooh err

[Bathsheba]

Aah, i feel for you, firewatch.
When i was growing up i was aware that my father had a sister who had died quite young, but she was never mentioned. The rumour was that she had been in some sort of institution. It was years after both my parents died that i found out she had epilepsy.xx

[firewatch]

aw bathsheba i feel for u hun, thats terrible, but the illness has only recently really been found to have treatments. It was shocking what they used to do to people when they did not know what was wrong with them.
sadly thats my earliest memory of my mother, going to visit her in the local mental asylum, sorry cant think of a better way to put it. i was only small.

[Bathsheba]

Yep. A lot of my memories of my mother were of her crying a lot. I'm ashamed to say that the general reaction of the family was "oh, here we go, she's off again". Tragic really xx

[firewatch]

That is really bad, my mother had mental health issues which ultimatly led to the break down in the marriage.
She committed suicide when i was 11, hence not being able to get answers from her, well i could all ways talk to a medium, i was very angry with her for a while until i realized it was actually a blessed relief.
Families who'd have em??

[sqad617]

Two seperate problems here:
1) Are you heart problems hereditary?....very unlikely.
2) Who really is your father.

To the second and most important point is that you must know before he dies and the quest gets worse as you get older.

I am afraid direct confrontation is the only way. You can also "tap up" friends and relatives for information.

Good advice from all repliers.

[Bathsheba]

Good advice from sqad there. Ask everyone you can think of now, whilst they're still around. I left it too late- there's nobody left now to answer my questions. Bright blessings, firewatch :) xxxx