It sounds like you are desperately unhappy in general but are focussing, obsessing even, on one particular thing which you think will make you happy but life doesn't work like that hon. I'm not saying having a baby isn't a wonderful thing but it's not the key to solving your unhappiness.
It seems like you are unable to deal with things in yourself that you are projecting it on everyone one and everything around you, however irrational.
No one little thing will make you happy and keep you happy, you need to start looking at the bigger picture and stop pushing the blame for your unhappiness on everything around you and look inside.
It might not be pleasant but until you do you will find it very hard to move on and find the happiness you seem so desperate for.
If you take away the blame from everyone else, your first instinct is to blame yourself. Horrible though that might be, it is the start for being able to examine that and rationalise it.
It happened, it was a mistake, you're not the first and you won't be the last, it was horrible but you made the right decision for you for a reason so reconcile it with yourself and move on. Get rid of the blame and move on to making the most of that freedom you gave yourself by what happened.