Alcohol

[masma]

I think my son is an alcoholic - he lives a long way from me and I only have what other people have told me plus the fact that every time I speak to him he's slurring his words. I know, and he admits, that he's drinking a bottle of vodka a day.
What I don't understand is that he can only drink vodka, anything else makes him ill.
Maybe I'm clutching at straws but... if he were an alcoholic, wouldn't he drink anything he could get his hands on?
I'm at my wits end as to how I can help him, I don't drive so getting to him is very difficult.

[lexie..]

That is so sad about you not being able to get to him. If he has admitted that he does this then he knows he has a problem. Have you talked to him about seeing his Doctor or getting some sort of counselling?
Is there any reason why he can't come and visit you? Tell him you love him and that you would help him if he needed you to.

[masma]

I tell him I love him everyday of my life, apart from this problem he's the dearest soul. He can't drive either as he had a fit, his dad goes for him whenever he want's to come to us but that's not very often. Plus we are both pensioners and money is tight for us.
He's been to his doctor who is just fantastic with him and has tried to help in all ways but my son just won't accept the help. He does try for a few weeks then slips back into his old ways.
People say I shouldn't worry about him but how can I stop.

[jno]

as I recall, vodka is an unusually pure spirit; you can drink a lot and not get a hangover (though you will still get drunk, of course). Alcoholics will get alcohol from anywhere they can, and if he has access to vodka that will be good enough for him, as it has been for generations of Russians.

But any change does have to come from within himself, I'm afraid. It's an illness, and he has to acknowledge that he has a problem, and wants to solve it. Money won't help. Yes, you should stop worrying, and no, of course you can't; I'd be exactly the same in your place.

[ummmm]

He won't accept help until he's ready. If you put too much pressure on him it could make him drink more.

Does he have a job?

[lexie..]

It's true you never stop worrying about your children, and no matter who tells you you shouldn't do it you will anyway. :-)
If he has been to his Doctor then that is good. Addictions like this are very hard to break and it could take months if not years for him to break away from. But at least he is trying, so well done to him for that.
Has he a family where he is? wife or children?
Have you contacted AlAnon. they help extended families will alcohol problems, and it might make you understand a bit more as to why he is doing this.
I hope things do get better for him.
:-)

[masma]

jno - he doesn't have access to vodka he buys it, so much so that he's thousands of pounds in debt. He goes without food rather than the drink.

[masma]

ummmm - yes he's got a very good job but he's only hanging onto it by his finger tips.
Lexie - he has a daughter who he's not allow, by her mother, to see. It's all very complicated. This doesn't make him feel any better though.
I did ring AlAnon a while ago but the person I spoke to wasn't very helpful, I was upset and they weren't very sympathetic.
Thank you so much all of you - I don't have anyone to talk to and you've really helped.

[jake-the-peg]

I had a drink problem and yes - most alcoholics hold down normal jobs and some you'd never know. The image of the tramp in the gutter with a tin of special brew is not helpful because it stops a lot of us from admitting we're alcoholics.

The bad news is that it's ptretty nigh on impossible to get someone to admit that their an alcoholic if they're lying to themselves about it. If they can realise it and admit it to other people even one or two. That's the start.

For me I just realised I couldn't remember the last day I'd had without alcohol in years and decided that I should quit. I did for 8 months. Then I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. 18 months later I tried again. I've now been dry 9 years.

Yes he probably is, no there's probably not much you can do - apart from be supportive when he tries to quit.

[tamborine]

there's no smell with vodka; drinkers think they can avoid detection.

Get up to him somehow.....have a sit in - clear all alcohol & bash him if he takes a drink!

that's just for starters!

[ummmm]

He could be doing it to numb his emotions then. If the other things in his life got sorted he may not feel the urge to drink so much.

[jake-the-peg]

I wouldn't take tamborine's advise - If my mother had done that when I was drinking I'd have simply thrown her out and not seen her again.

In a strange way it's easier if he's drinking alone - it's harder to give up if his friends are all drinkers.

First you need to get him to acknowledge he has a problem

Then you need to get him to do something about it.

Those two may happen some time apart

[masma]

If I could've done what Tamborine suggest's I would've done it long before now. I've tried begging, blackmailing and crying with him for hours on end but nothing works. He has admited he got a problem but hasn't got to the point where he's willing to do owt about it. I don't think he can see how bad it's gotten.
Jake-the-peg, thank you for your wise words, he does have friends but as you say, they're all drinkers.
Thank you all once again xx

[Julnar]

I feel for you masma. Like jake, I had a problem with alcohol and hated people to mention this. It would make me very angry and upset and I would withdraw into myself. Your son needs to know that you love him and will be there for him when he decides he needs to make changes in his life. Unfortunately, you cannot really do any more. It must be awful for the loved ones of alcoholics because until the alcoholic decides to change there is very little that can be done.

[tillyh345]

I feel for you, my son had an addiction for many years he is now in recovery, but I beat myself up badly emotionally and ended up almost having a nervous breakdown! It doesnt do you any good and doesnt help them at all...Its true everything people have said they have to recognise the problem and the fact that only they can do anything about it, the thing I did was enable him by taking on his life and making appointments that he would break, and covering for him almost. But now he lives on his own and I dont have any involvement, except cook his tea once or twice a week and he gets on very well without me, and has been clean now for 2 years!

Anytime you feel you need to talk about this, a good websire to go on is famanon.org.uk. Best of Luck and lots of hugs x

[masma]

Oh Tilly thank you so much for your kind words.

[kia cat]

its very hard, all you can really do is try to support, without seeming to nag, try and talk to him, as calmly as you can. Perhaps you could meet up with him � way from where you both live? If you can persuade him to go to an AA meeting, it may help? Good luck and be patient. We're rooting for you.

[tamborine]

GPs can recommend alcohol/drug abuse clinics...they're expensive - so only available to 'worthwhile' patients who want help. Locally used by airline staff

http://www.cardinalclinic.co.uk/

Can he change his environment - maybe take a month off travelling Far East where he can taste a fuller spectrum of life without alcohol.

[kia cat]

Something I meant to add. Just ask him straight out does he want to give it up? If its yes, he'll need help doing it.
He could do a home detox - with supervision - but he'll need someone he can trust, with him all the time at first; who can give him support and encouragement.
He could get referred into a NHS clinic, but they are usually a long wait. Like any other addiction, you can't make them pack it in, no matter how much we'd like to. As others have said if he can change his lifestyle in some way, find a new interest, challenge etc this will also help.

[masma]

Thank you all one again. He wouldn't be able to travel as he lacks in confidence, he even finds it difficult to go to the doc on his own and there is no way he, or I, could afford to pay for him to go into a private clinic.
Kia-cat; there are times when he says he wants help but when I offer to go with him he clams up and won't do it, says he embarrassed.
We're going to see him today, for lunch. Wish me luck.