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Guilt Trips From Ageing Parents
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I hope this is the right section for this question, so apologies if not.
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, and neither re-married nor cultivated any close friendships or relationships.
They both live in the same town, alone. I moved from this town and relocated down south in 1994, at the age of 27.
Since then, I go up to visit about 8 or 9 times a year, from Thursday to Sunday, carefully dividing my time between them.
Despite these visits, plus almost daily phone calls and emails to them both as they have nobody else close in their lives, I am ridden with guilt trips. Every time I leave, my dad emails to say how "bereft" he feels and how quickly my visits pass, while my mum is more obtuse in her comments and will always imply I spend more time with my dad than with her (when actually the opposite is true).
My dad used to visit me down south but now he is 83 the journey is getting beyond him. My mum has been down about 5 times in 20 years, and only because my sister had a baby or graduated from university. She breeds dogs as a hobby (it doesn't make a profit. she has a trust fund) and despite employing two staff to look after the dogs, has made it clear that children should visit their parents, not the other way round, as "it was your choice to move".
I often feel in despair over these endless visits, that seem to fulfil neither parent, yet leave them both sad and "bereft" and wanting more. It feels like I could never do enough, except to move back there and pretty much give up my life to their wants and needs. I have a job, a partner and friends down here and moving back is not an option.
But how do I cope with that omnipresent feeling of suffocation from parents for whom I have obviously disappointed greatly in "leaving" them?
My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, and neither re-married nor cultivated any close friendships or relationships.
They both live in the same town, alone. I moved from this town and relocated down south in 1994, at the age of 27.
Since then, I go up to visit about 8 or 9 times a year, from Thursday to Sunday, carefully dividing my time between them.
Despite these visits, plus almost daily phone calls and emails to them both as they have nobody else close in their lives, I am ridden with guilt trips. Every time I leave, my dad emails to say how "bereft" he feels and how quickly my visits pass, while my mum is more obtuse in her comments and will always imply I spend more time with my dad than with her (when actually the opposite is true).
My dad used to visit me down south but now he is 83 the journey is getting beyond him. My mum has been down about 5 times in 20 years, and only because my sister had a baby or graduated from university. She breeds dogs as a hobby (it doesn't make a profit. she has a trust fund) and despite employing two staff to look after the dogs, has made it clear that children should visit their parents, not the other way round, as "it was your choice to move".
I often feel in despair over these endless visits, that seem to fulfil neither parent, yet leave them both sad and "bereft" and wanting more. It feels like I could never do enough, except to move back there and pretty much give up my life to their wants and needs. I have a job, a partner and friends down here and moving back is not an option.
But how do I cope with that omnipresent feeling of suffocation from parents for whom I have obviously disappointed greatly in "leaving" them?
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Andy hughes has it right when he says they are bottomless pits.
It would make no difference how much you did, how often you visited ec etc, they would still, each in their own way, imply or complain that you were not doing enough.
So, you must decide how much you are going to do for them, how much time you are going to give them, then do just that.
If you feel guilty, you must find a way of dealing with it. As everyone has said, you are doing plenty for them and objectively have no reason to feel guilt.
Just as they are responsible for their own unhappiness and should not blame you for it, so you are responsible for your own feelings of guilt.
They are pressing your guilt buttons, but the buttons are yours.
It would make no difference how much you did, how often you visited ec etc, they would still, each in their own way, imply or complain that you were not doing enough.
So, you must decide how much you are going to do for them, how much time you are going to give them, then do just that.
If you feel guilty, you must find a way of dealing with it. As everyone has said, you are doing plenty for them and objectively have no reason to feel guilt.
Just as they are responsible for their own unhappiness and should not blame you for it, so you are responsible for your own feelings of guilt.
They are pressing your guilt buttons, but the buttons are yours.
Like others have pointed out, you've done everything you can and logically no blame is attached to you for your behaviour towards your parents. However, you might try some counselling to help deal with the emotions that your parents keep triggering.
Good luck, it's a long haul, but a major step on the way is realising and accepting that you have done all that you can for them in life.
Good luck, it's a long haul, but a major step on the way is realising and accepting that you have done all that you can for them in life.
SallyAnn, Sqad is right, you'll probably always feel this way from time to time because you've got the guilt gene. I have it, my sister doesn't and it drives my husband mad. My mam can say one thing while me and my sister at the same time - she hears it one way and I hear it another. My advice would be to keep all the replies you've had on here and look at them whenever you feel so bad. Good luck x
Lovely responses Ladyalex, Mosiac and Misky and you are all absolutely right to suggest I keep all your answers to refer back to when this happens again (which is often!). The "bottomless pit" analogy from Andy is especially apt and I don't believe that mum or dad would ever get enough of anything from anyone, whether son, daughter, friend or lover. I know all this, but when I get muddle-headed at times like this it's great to read such clear-sighted comments from you all.
Try not to feel guilty. Personally I think they are lucky you visit as often as you do. Even if you gave up your life and spent it with them, you would never be able to satisfy them. My mother was similar, not quite so bad, but bad enough. Tell them if they don't stop you are not going to visit them again. Difficult to do I know. I bet they pit you up against your sister too. It's awful, I know. Just learn from them and never ever behave like that with your own children. I make a conscious effort to make my kids feel they only need to be with is when they want to, when they have something more exciting to do, to go and do it. Good luck! DON'T FEEL QUILTY !
Hi Sally.... I would hate to think that my kids felt a duty towards us.... I love them to want to be with us., If they don't that's great it means they have a life of their own.... When we're gone it's nice to think they wont miss us that much. You raise children to be free and not to be tied to you for life. Spread your wings and please don't feel guilty any more x
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