Guilt Trips From Ageing Parents

[sallyann16]

I hope this is the right section for this question, so apologies if not.

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old, and neither re-married nor cultivated any close friendships or relationships.

They both live in the same town, alone. I moved from this town and relocated down south in 1994, at the age of 27.

Since then, I go up to visit about 8 or 9 times a year, from Thursday to Sunday, carefully dividing my time between them.

Despite these visits, plus almost daily phone calls and emails to them both as they have nobody else close in their lives, I am ridden with guilt trips. Every time I leave, my dad emails to say how "bereft" he feels and how quickly my visits pass, while my mum is more obtuse in her comments and will always imply I spend more time with my dad than with her (when actually the opposite is true).

My dad used to visit me down south but now he is 83 the journey is getting beyond him. My mum has been down about 5 times in 20 years, and only because my sister had a baby or graduated from university. She breeds dogs as a hobby (it doesn't make a profit. she has a trust fund) and despite employing two staff to look after the dogs, has made it clear that children should visit their parents, not the other way round, as "it was your choice to move".

I often feel in despair over these endless visits, that seem to fulfil neither parent, yet leave them both sad and "bereft" and wanting more. It feels like I could never do enough, except to move back there and pretty much give up my life to their wants and needs. I have a job, a partner and friends down here and moving back is not an option.

But how do I cope with that omnipresent feeling of suffocation from parents for whom I have obviously disappointed greatly in "leaving" them?

[woofgang]

Hmmm. My response to your parents' would be to be having this conversation with them, especially with your mother....

[sallyann16]

I have done Woofgang - many a time. I have explained how I try my best for both parent and that it feels as though if I didn't come to see her, we would never see each other. She repeats the line that she "gave up her life" to stay in the same town so we could see our dad, and that it was my choice to move so far away.

[murraymints]

there is litttle more you can do I am afraid..it is wrong and selfish of them to put this burden of guilt on you, they are fortunate that you are prepared to make the efforts you do.
have you explained to them that you have your own life and committments now?
you must tell them that you love and care for the in equal measure and they are very welcome to share your life with them as they seem fit...

[sallyann16]

Thank you Murraymints - I do realise the situation will never change and I think just hearing that from others, that others feel I am doing my best, is a big help.

[woofgang]

sallyann, the conversation I envisaged was more on the lines on what murraymints has said......

[scorpiojo]

How often does your sister visit them?

[Sqad]

So.......what have you done with YOUR life?.....you are now in your mid and late 40yrs.

Are you married.....are you a career girl.......have you any children?

[sallyann16]

Scorpiojo, my sister has recently moved closer and visits with her children probably as often as I do, but she has very clear boundaries that her life as a wife and mother comes first, and the relationship between her and my parents is less intense, as she doesn't put them first all the time she is there. My mum still thinks she lives too far away anyway, even though she is far far closer than she used to be.

[murraymints]

your sibling(s) should try a bit too, if it is only you that is reaching out then that makes it all a bit unfair on you...speak to your sister about shouldering the contact responsibility a bit more..

[sallyann16]

Sqad, I live with my partner of 12 years, no children through choice, and have just had my first book published and am working on a second. I judge beauty contests up and down the country and have some lovely friends. I'm very happy in my life apart from this omnipresent anxiety.

[andy-hughes]

I think you are possessed of vast reserves of patience and kindness, certainly well beyond the amounts that your parents deserve to have lavished on them.

I have always believed in my children being independent, and spending time with me and their mum because they want to.

I am fortunate because all live near, but they all work, have partners and children, and busy lives, so I freely accept that their time with us is limited.

My responsibility for my happiness is entirely my own, and not theirs, and I would never visit my bad decisions on them with the sort of moral blackmail you are being put through.

Make it clear to your parents that you love them, and are keen to have them in your life, but they are part of your life, and by no means the main part, and they have to accept that. If they are lonely, they need to make friends and develop interests, not expect an adult family member to rum around making them feel better - it wouldn't work anyway, there is no pleasing self-pitying people like this.

You are entitled to your life - don't give it up to throw your time and enjoyment into a bottomless pit of immature neediness.

[Mamyalynne]

Sallyann, you have to accept that you are doing your very best and pack away the feelings of guilt - nothing you do will ever be quite enough.

Your Parents are making the terrible mistake of thinking that Children should forever be beholden to them ,one thin a good parent does is let their child spread their wings and fly - that way they always come home to visit bearing kindly thoughts.

[Sqad]

OK......you seem a level headed and sensible woman who has done well, with a guilt complex which I do not understand, but respect.

Your married sister's approach is more like my own.

Your parents divorced........not your fault.

They chose their paths for whatever reason.........not your fault.

I am afraid that with your personality, you will always feel this guilt and suffocation.

Sorry.

[Mamyalynne]

*^ one thing

[murraymints]

crossed posts....seems your sister has made her priorities clear..and tough as it seems so must you....you can do no more than you do already...it was your mum's decision not to move at the time of the split, for whatever reasons, you were a child and had to accept what she wanted /decided...with hindsight she perhaps feel the wrong decision was made, but it was hers and hers alone..it is wrong to retrospectively apporton any blame to her children

[sallyann16]

Thank you to ALL of you for your support here. It's just such a comfort to off-load onto strangers and to have your general consensus that I'm doing all I can. I DO need to mentally toughen up and refuse to take on board the digs and guilt from two people who are without question manipulative at times. Just now and then the despair overwhelms me and it's good to turn to you guys. Thank you all so much.

[whiskeryron]

You have your own life to lead & are putting yourself out by your constant visits & phone calls, make this absolutely clear to both your parents & brave yourself to tell them this. If you are happy to carry on with this situation then bear with it, your father is 83 & I dare say your mother is probably around the same age & neither of them will live forever. Make the most of your life sallyann. I am 90 years old & I am happy to tell anyone that children & grandchildren must be allowed to live their lives to the full & not be burdened by their parents who chose to live THEIR lives how they wanted.

[murraymints]

good luck sally xx

[scorpiojo]

From me too :)

[sallyann16]

Thank you guys and especially to whiskeryron for such a touching reply. The support from you ALL gives me the strength I need to be a good daughter and not feel bad about it :) xx