Devastated....

[luckyfish]

just looking for some support.
my b/f and father to little girl went out on saturday after i had asked him to change his plans and stay home with us, instead of going out again. the way he was behaving saying he HAD to go made me suspicious, then he came home after 3am so i was so curious to know where he had been, but he was very vague. while he was sleeping yesterday afternoon (from hangover) i took his mobile checked... there was a few strange numbers on but one new name and number. i called that number and a girl answered,and i hung up. since then i have felt sick to my stomach and so ashamed that i can't even speak to my mates :((( last night couldn't even sleep a wink. cause he leaves for work round 7:30 and cause he slept most of yesterday i woke him just after 6:30 to talk to him about this.
he said that he met this girl & her friend on the road the other day and they exchanged numbers and then also decided to meet up on saturday. he also said that he told her he had a g/f and child and nothing happened.
as far as i'm concerned chatting/flirting and swapping numbers is cheating - meeting up is unforgivable.
i used to be a confident person and life of every party, i loved going out but since having become a mother that is my main aim in life, be the best mum possible and i can't understand that after almost 2 years he hasn't eventually also evolved to feel the same.he goes out almost every week.
if anyone has managed to read to this point and make sense of my rambling... do you think i'm being harsh calling it quits now? my family all live in australia so that is where we'd be heading.
as i said i'm so embarrassed that he could have done this to me that i haven't managed to chat to my friends and so any opinions would be really appreciated.

[888sally888]

First off - I feel sympathy for you and he is not being fair at all. It sounds to me like you have matured and settled into being a parent but that he still thinks he can lead a single life. Does he help with your child at all?

Can I ask how old you both are? Are you in the uk?

[luckyfish]

yes, we live in the UK. I'm 27 and he's 30. we have been together for going on 6 years.

he thinks he's doing his part by going to work - which i think is fair enough, but when he comes home he eats dinner watches some tv and sleeps on the couch. all last week he came home between 8&10pm and that is why i had asked him to stay home on sat - quality time and all that.
i'm serious when i say he has never changed a nappy - he says he is too squeemish. i often do ask him to do little things like wash her hands or brush her hair or teeth, but usually end up doing it myself. i do it cause i know she NEEDS someone to do it for her, and i do it happily - for him it's more of a chore.

now i sound like i'm really moaning (which i am) he does a bit, but not as much as i anticitipated before she arrived.
as i say, i don' mind doing everything for her, but i can't give her quality time with daddy- which is all i've ever expected from him

[888sally888]

I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious chat.

It sounds like he gives you no support whatsoever apaprt from financial. It seems extreme for you to move to australia but if you really feel after talking to him that there is no hope maybe this is the solution. You are young enough for a fresh start.

Your question made me think he was about 19 and immature but he is a man and shoudl act as one.

I raised 2 daughters alone for a number of years and they are lovely and well balanced so dont worry about being alone!

[luckyfish]

AND that he be faithful.
But, when you're in a relationship, that is a given isn't it???
That is why i'm so devistated... how could he possibly
choose meeting up with some stranger over being at home playing with his daughter for the first time that week?
why do people cheat when they have so much to loose?

i have never cheated on anyone - what's the point. break up with your partner if you find yourself attracted to someone else... i've always felt that way and i've made it clear to him that if thst is ever the case with him, that we rather break it off than that i find out some other way and have my heart smashed rather than broken.
a broken heart will mend, a smashed heart will be scarred forever :((( so so sad and dissappointed

[888sally888]

I absolutely agree with you. I expect whoever I am with to be 100% faithful. Otherwise what is the point. and you certainly dont need to be with someone you have to check up on - its wrong and emotionally exhausting.

My ex husband went off with one of my best friends and the deceipt and lies were the hardest things to cope with.

You WILL get over this even if it feels desperate at the moment.

You have to decide if he deserves another chance and also if you think you can change him. If he doesnt buck up his ideas I dont see a future.

What a silly man he must be to lose you and his daughter.

[luckyfish]

sorry sally, was typing that other message.
we did chat for aroun an hour - was like pulling teeth to get all the details... and i still don't feel sure that it's the truth

i know that t's extreem to move so far away, but that's where my mum&dad and family are - i could't do it alone, i need some support. also i have told him many times that this would be the case

i think that you have to be such a strong person to be a single parent and you raised two... one day i'm sure your kids will realize , if not already, what a special mum they had.

[newmummy]

luckyfish

i do feel so sorry for you, a man like that will never change, he will take you for granted for as long as you let him. I can understand why you feel the way you do, My question to him would have been if nothing happened why did he even meet up with this girl? Did nothing happen because there wasn't an opportunity? Even meeting up with that girl is unfaithful because his intentions were to spend time away from you and your child when there was no other reason than he wanted to.
If it was me and this is only what i'd do, i couldn't forgive and would struggle to forget, Take the plunge now and start a new life, one which will make YOU happy. x x

[luckyfish]

thank you for listening and offering your advice, sally.

there is nothing more i can do now.... besides just think & sleep a bit.

your situation was tons worse. i can't imagine loosing faith in the 2 people you trust the most - who did you turn to?
i just can't understand that people can do it :(

i hope i haven't ruined your day... looks like sun here, time to put on a happy face for my little monkey

[888sally888]

Sorry was on the phone!!

What is his reaction if you say about going to australia? Is he gutted? angy? sad?

I cant help feel you can do better for you and your daughter.

I have remarried a lovely man - so dont give up - there is hope!!

[andrea81]

You've had really great advice so far so can't add anything other than encouraging you to talk with him and ask him to be truthful. Be strong with what he has to say and tell HIM you need to think about things and make a decision!

It'll all work out better if it's on your terms, even if it means breaking up! If you moved to Australia, then thet would be a clean fresh start for you!

Good luck and chin up! ;0)

[888sally888]

I suppose when it happened to me I was so busy with the girls that I just got on with it. I had some good friends (and some that turned out to be useless!) and family.

I also hate to admit I dated a load of useless men just for fun and got my confidence back!!

I have the last laugh now cos my daughters dont have much contact with my ex and he looks very old and rough and his new wife (my ex friend) is very flrty and very high maintenance!! Hee hee

[beso]

He goes out almost every week? This does not seem extreme to me at all. It seems women often change to being stay at homes after having children but it isn't reasonable to expect to dictate this behaviour to your partner.

Moreover I think it isn't healthy for the mother and leads to social isolation. Do you ever go out and have a good time? Could you be becoming boring? This is a quick way to get your husband to loose interest in you. I am not saying it justifies it just that it is understandable.

After childbirth women often feel they have lost the will to have fun because they feel fat and ugly. Many suffer from post natal depression to some extent.

After having a baby my daughter was heading the same way but her husband insisted she leave their daughter at home with him sometimes and go out with her friends. She resisted at first but once she got over the reluctance she became much happier.

He husband goes out other times and sometimes they leave their daughter with one or another of her cousin's or grandparent's families and go out together. Sometimes they all go out as a family together.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your man is much of a Dad.

[888sally888]

Plus beso he appears to be cheating as well!

[luckyfish]

newmummy, that was what i kept saying to him.... once he had her number, which is bad enough, why did he use it? and if he's always as busy as he says, when did he find the time to wander round the streets flirting with girls? if it's nothing, why did he hide it from me?i'm feeling more and more disgusted each time i think of it -yet we can't change anything that happend.
and i have all these questions that he has to answer, but can't say to my face cause he knows in his heart of hearts that i have never done anything to deserve this.

i always have said that if any man cheats on me i'm out the door like a shot, but the thought of my daughter, oneday asking why her dad is not around scares me...

sorry been away so long. he just phoned with the me for about 20 mins saying how sorry he was that it was a mistake... blah blah. i asked him how it could happen and just kept asking if he's sorry, does that mean it won't happen again. his answer was that it would probably happen again.
looks like i have my answer. i don't need to fake a smile and pretend everything is fine and dandy cause it looks like i've been fooled for over 5 years and as far as i'm concerened that's long enough!!!!

[ladyalex]

Sorry to be so harsh, but just bin him now, before you lose even more confidence and he has the chance to hurt you some more.
Move back to Australia where your folks will be so glad to see you and the little one.
It truly will be his loss in the end.

[luckyfish]

beso, i used to party like there was no tomorrow, we're talking at least 3 nights a week... till i got pregnant.
i don't see the point in going out to a night club - as we all know it's usually singles there anyway.
i have stopped drinking because my gran died recently after a long suffering all from the effects of alchohl - and i don't miss it. i enjoyed it when i drank but i definatly don't need to drink to have fun.

i have lots of days out - usually with little one in tow as i don't have anyone to leave her with and dad is usually busy with something or someone when i'm making plans to confirm that he will be able to look after him. i meet with my friends during the day or in the evenings and we do socolize. i haven't lost that side of myself, what i meant is that i don't party anymore (unless occasion) since having had my little one as i think she is far more important.
i love her with all i have and everyday that love grows.

i have waited 2 years for him to wake up to his responsabiltys - his excuse is well, we're not married... which is actually a good thing now. no ring or certificate extending this horrible pain

[luckyfish]

jeepers, sorry for all the typo's i'm typing lefthand at the moment cause baby is on my lap and keep missin keys i think i have hit

[888sally888]

I think you have made up your mind already and as I said I really think you can make a better life x

[jake-the-peg]

Just a thought.

From what I read. He's met a woman and met up and they had a chat.

Now you may think this is cheating but I'm not sure whether a court would agree.

I'm not sure where you'd stand legally - Do you have a passport for your daughter? You might find you need his signature to get one if you don't.

You might like to head over to the Law thread to see if anyone there can advise you.

For what it's worth it sounds to me like your relationship has hit what is a very common hurdle at this stage of life and that you're throwing in the towel very quickly and that a lot of it is due to your (understandably) hurt pride. [ You mention being so embaressed ]

But don't take advise from us - why don't you book an hour of talking to relate

http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/counsellin gbyphone/

They are professional councillors - they charge �45 to cover costs - it's a lot cheaper than moving to Australia

[andrea81]

Jake-the-peg does make a good point!

Do you know for certain that he has cheated? I know you must have sooo much running through your head, but would you not want to find all the facts out first before deciding?

I feel for you, I really do as from what you have said, he isn't making much effort being a dad or partner, but maybe things can be worked out!

Is it worth thinking about before making any life changing decisions! ;0)