This may ruffle a few parent's feathers but its not meant to!

[clipclop1]

My question is for all you parents out there..

Im seriously considering not ever having children, im not 100% on this, maybe about 80% and was hoping some of you could shed some light on the amazing aspects of having children.

From my observations (and im in a position where I have met and observed a LOT of perants over the years) and especially in this economy, it seems that to have children (unless you are very well off) only creates more financial difficulties, stress and strain, hence lots of marriages breaking up and families having to scrimp and save after busting their backsides at their full time job.
To add to this, many children these days are problematic, an issue mainly caused by mis-guided parenting skills but even those children brought up correctly can easily get these good manners wiped out by the peer groups they mix with at school.
Bumping into parents/friends during the summer/xmas holidays I was forever hearing the phrase, 'Oh I can't wait for school to open again because they've got me demented!'.

So, to summarise, this question is really not to meant to get people's back's up, its purely because this is an extremely awkward topic to talk about face to face with parents and I would really like some positive feedback to help whatever decision I may make in the near future! :/

[ummmm]

Egocentric, How?

[Kassee]

I have this theory - and I may be wrong - but I think all mothers love their babies. I think the nine months of pregnancy prepares us to become mothers and whether the child is planned or not, at the end of nine month and at the time of birth - we love those kids unconditionally. And nature has made us that way. I know some people give up their babies, but I think society probably plays a huge part in influencing them, and it cannnot be a easy decision.

I think the problem we have is that we have to make the decision whether to have a child or not - and that is often a cold and calculated decision - and we look at all that we will be giving up and going without to have a child - and we think is it worth it?

[boxtops]

Not everyone's cut out to be a parent - it's not necessarily selfish, but having a child isn't a right or a mandatory obligation . Those who can and do, balance out those of us who might have but couldn't. There is plenty of life without small people, and you can always borrow other people's.

Don't make a hard and fast decision, clipclop - it may or may not happen, anyway, and your feelings may change, but don't let anyone persuade you if your heart's not in it.

[maggiebee]

Love my children but grandchildren are even better - and you can hand them back lol. Never regretted having children but can understand those who don't want to. If you wait til you can afford to have a child then you never will.

[ummmm]

No...fraid not. Not every mother loves their kids.

[DaisyNonna]

"The decision I may make" obviously a partner's thoughts are irrelevant.

[sherrardk]

My mother told me I was too selfish to have children, she also told me not to have anymore (when I already had three children) as my house would be like an orphanage. The poster is just looking for opinions, not criticism (I would probably have asked something on here before I had my first). I thought about the pros and cons of having each one 100% as I wanted to be sure that I was doing the right thing (in having a child, in making our family bigger, my age, etc).

[micmak]

Have you not discussed this with your husband / wife. Is it not a joint decision?

[ganesh]

I don't agree Kassee,I don't think it is usually a calculated decision.The timing maybe sometimes,but most people know if they want a baby or not.If they are still weighing things up in that fashion then I don't think they are ready to have one.If you are not sure then don't.
I also don't think life is meaningless without children.It's different certainly,and I wouldn't want a life without my kids,but I wouldn't say it is meaningless.It used to really annoy me when people said that in the days when I wasn't going to have kids.It's not the only way to have a fulfilling life I'm sure.

[grasscarp]

I never really wanted children to be honest. My husband did. Looking back I
Can now say it was the best thing I ever did. I have just got in from a meal out with one of my daughters. Wonderful. And she drove me there. When my children were young we went to so many places and you can have so much fun with them. Teenage can be very difficult indeed and I will not even begin to go there. After that you emerge with the closest friends you will ever have. And just when you think life can't get any better ..... Grandchildren!

[ummmm]

I do not want to talk about grandchildren!! :-)

[missprim]

clipclop you're obviously unsure or else you wouldn't be asking this question on here. Is it something you need to decide straight away? It does worry me a bit that you would ask this question as to me it was just something I'd wanted for a long time and couldn't wait for a little 'un to call me Mummy.
Only have children if you really want them.

[Kassee]

No, I suppose I meant my life would be .... meaningless without children ... now I've had them. If I never had children .... I suppose I would be a completely different person. I can't imagine what I would be like.

I though it was a cold and calculate decision - that is if you are not broody. (I was very broody).

[Andyvon]

A very thorny issue Clipclop! I'm 49 and I've never had children - and I'm so pleased I didn't. I know if I'd had children I would have loved them and done as much as I could for them and if I'd lost them I'd have been devastated. However, they never came along and looking back I'm pleased they didn't.

I've gone through life working with, and knowing, many people with children and others like me who never had them. I would say the one single word that sums up the difference between the two groups is - freedom. I've always been able to do exactly what I want, when I want to do it. I've never had a boss or supervisor as such and when I wanted to leave the council years ago I just got up from my desk and went home! I was able to start my business which needed my full 24-hour, 7-day attention for several years which I wouldn't have done with a family. I have always been able to buy things like cars whenever I see something. I've moved around the country without having to think of schools and when I've wanted to go away for a week or two I've often gone straight to the travel agent and been on a plane a day or two later.

People I've known with children never seem to have that freedom. Quite rightly, their children come first in every thing they do. However, that means if they want to buy something like a car they have to work out where the money will come from, they can't move as they have to think about schools, they can't just jump on a plane and go on holiday. If they do go away they are limited to school holidays and then pay twice the price my wife and I do when we go off-peak.

It seems that people with children are also locked into the type of life of having to work for an employer, pay a mortgage and wait for the next pay cheque to go in the bank. It was only by not having children that I was able to walk out of the council and start my own business. I'm sure that if I'd had children I would still be working for an employer somewhere, and I remember how unhappy and soul-destroying that was. I always struggled for money and I remember being skint by the end of every month.

I hope that doesn't cause any upset with anyone as I haven't intended to do that. All I've done is answer Clipclop's post from my perspective as never having had children. I'm sure people with children would never change and are pleased they had them. I know I would have done the best for mine - but they just never came along so my life went down that route of having personal freedom in life.

That's just what worked for me as a man though. It seems women want children far more than men and many consider it a disaster if they can't have them. Most men love their own kids when they come along, but they aren't fussed about kids in general. I fit into that typical group I think.

That's just me though Clipclop. If you want children don't listen to me for Heaven's sake! But if you're asking this question I've just answered it for you from my side of the fence. Good luck.

[SpikeyBush]

I didn't always have a good relationship with my father, he was very strict. But now I am a father myself I can understand his point of view. We now get along really well and I count myself so fortunate to have a son myself now that I can have a similar relationship with in years to come when he matures and has his own family.

[ladybirder]

There are some people who should never have children.

[welshlibranr]

having children is never easy!....most parents to be don't realise just how hard it is!.....then it's a huge shock!.....but the children are there, and they have to deal with it!............never easy!.........

[ganesh]

Well said Andyvon,you do give up your freedom,but it's the price we pay.To a certain extent you give up your freedom to have a partner in life as well,and even having pets stop you from doing what you want and being spontaneous.We all make different choices in life and it is hard to analyse the decision to have kids.You don't get many people who say they've regretted having children though,at least I've never met anyone,even if it isn't all easy.

[NOX]

DaisyNonna - perhaps she doesn't have a partner or intends to raise any child she might have on her own?

[Andyvon]

My neice has just turned four. I'm astonished at how much my brother and his wife have had to do in the last four years. They were up every two hours when she was a baby and now they just never seem to stop. They are continually tired - and they work as well! My wife and I sometimes go and babysit and we are shattered after a day. How people cope with two, three or more children I don't know. I've thought a few times how pleased I am that I avoided that. It wasn't through choice, I'm childless because I never got into the social situations where I could have been a father.

It's looking back that I think I had 'a close escape'. As I said however, I know I would have loved any kids that I did have and I would have done my very best for them. They just never appeared.