ChatterBank20 mins ago
Partner has got me into so much debt. i dont want to be with him but i feel trapped.
14 Answers
Hi, Im 23 and live with my partner. We have a 1 year old daughter together. We rent through a housing association. I no longer want to be with my partner, he has got us into alot of debt and goes out alot drinking and doing drugs. I dont alowe his friends into my house because im worried he will do drugs with them. i have previously asked him to leave but he gets angry and bangs on the living room door (ground floor flat). I dont want my child in this situation. Im worried that if he moved out i would be lumbered with most of the debt as my name is on them and i wont get alot of money as i will have to go onto benefits. He also has a son from a previous relationship who does not live with him. what money would i be entitled to and how much? would it cover the cost of the debts he has given me. please could somebody help me, im really worried i will struggle if he left but i know ive got to throw him out as if i stay with him the debts will rise and the relationship will get worse.
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im sorry about your situation ive been there with my ex husband so i know how you feel. Its awful that you feel trapped into this relationship with your partner when you no longer want to be with him. From my personal experience can i recommend you go to citizens advice, they were extremely helpful to me, they spoke to my creditors on my behalf, and got me in touch with the council about putting me on the waiting list. Because of the circumstances i found myself in i was put to the top and was offered a flat in weeks. You dont say if your working or not? Even though i had a part time job i was still entitled to help with my rent and council tax so thats something you should definatly look into to. good luck and let us know how you got on love xxxx
Thankyou for your answer :) I dont work, i havent been able to as my daughter is a year old and my partner was working. I feel he should be the one to move out of our flat as i will be the primary carer for our daughter. He is able to move back to his mums. All i worry about is the money. I just need to know what amount i would get a week? for instance i know i would be entitled to child tax credit and child benefit and also income support for a lone parent. Im so embarressed having to go onto benefits as i never wanted to but there is nothing else i can do. I have worked all through my life so its not like ive ever claimed in the past. I just dont want my daughter to lose out on anything because i cannot afford it because the debt my partner has left me.
The debts are:
Providence loan (that he made me get to pay his police fine off otherwise he would have gone to prison and he wasnt aloud one so its in my name - he used my daughter against me saying you will be taking her dad away if you dont do this for me - so i felt awful and done it) - �150 left to pay
Rent arrears (he told me he was paying this every week when he wasnt. i only found out when we got a statment through the post, by that time it was too late - i wasnt aloud any control of the money) - �650 left
Littlewoods catalogue (also in my name and he brought all his familys xmas presents out of it) �700
Council tax debt (he wouldnt let me pay this when it was due) - �200 left to pay
electric arrears - �120
BT - �120 (phone line has now been cut off)
Sky - �70 (mostly mobile phone calls that he has made to friends )
As you can probably gather i wasnt aloud to pay bills! he had all control of the money and if i made any payments without him knowing he would go mad! he always says that i am money orientated when all i want to do is be normal and pay bills. He always says we dont have to pay it all right away and i panic to much. I think anybody would panic when they have so many arrears with different companys. Before i met him i always worked and always had my own money, i NEVER had any debts or arrears.
Providence loan (that he made me get to pay his police fine off otherwise he would have gone to prison and he wasnt aloud one so its in my name - he used my daughter against me saying you will be taking her dad away if you dont do this for me - so i felt awful and done it) - �150 left to pay
Rent arrears (he told me he was paying this every week when he wasnt. i only found out when we got a statment through the post, by that time it was too late - i wasnt aloud any control of the money) - �650 left
Littlewoods catalogue (also in my name and he brought all his familys xmas presents out of it) �700
Council tax debt (he wouldnt let me pay this when it was due) - �200 left to pay
electric arrears - �120
BT - �120 (phone line has now been cut off)
Sky - �70 (mostly mobile phone calls that he has made to friends )
As you can probably gather i wasnt aloud to pay bills! he had all control of the money and if i made any payments without him knowing he would go mad! he always says that i am money orientated when all i want to do is be normal and pay bills. He always says we dont have to pay it all right away and i panic to much. I think anybody would panic when they have so many arrears with different companys. Before i met him i always worked and always had my own money, i NEVER had any debts or arrears.
I can totally sympathise with you. I chucked my ex out in 2004 for being a cheating, alchie, druggie ar*eho*e.
However as a consequnce i got lumbered with �40K of debt, which i am still paying off now, and will be for another 3years.
Its been hard, i worked 7 days a week for 2 years doing 1 full time and 2 p/t jobs just to keep on top of things until i got a pay rise, and i do sometimes feel bitter that my life is being affected because of him - cant buy a place to live, cant afford to have kids as cant pay the repayments out of mat pay etc etc
However, i'm still pleased i got him out of my life when i did, as having him around was no godd for me, and i'm sure the money situation would have only got worse.
I cant help you on benefits etc, but please try to stay positive, and do what your gut instinct tells you to do. If someone is toxic in yor life, you need to get rid.
Good Luck..
However as a consequnce i got lumbered with �40K of debt, which i am still paying off now, and will be for another 3years.
Its been hard, i worked 7 days a week for 2 years doing 1 full time and 2 p/t jobs just to keep on top of things until i got a pay rise, and i do sometimes feel bitter that my life is being affected because of him - cant buy a place to live, cant afford to have kids as cant pay the repayments out of mat pay etc etc
However, i'm still pleased i got him out of my life when i did, as having him around was no godd for me, and i'm sure the money situation would have only got worse.
I cant help you on benefits etc, but please try to stay positive, and do what your gut instinct tells you to do. If someone is toxic in yor life, you need to get rid.
Good Luck..
Arrr im so sorry to hear that this happened to you too, and with that much debt.
Thankyou for your advise, i will see what i can do to sort it out, i love him so much and his son is my stepson and i adore him, plus my daughter is such a daddys girl and i would feel awful for breaking up with him because i would feel like im taking her daddy away from her. Its so hard when you have children, i didnt realise before i fell pregnant how bad some situations can become when children are involved.
I hope your life gets easier with the money problems, and thankyou for listening to me :) x
Thankyou for your advise, i will see what i can do to sort it out, i love him so much and his son is my stepson and i adore him, plus my daughter is such a daddys girl and i would feel awful for breaking up with him because i would feel like im taking her daddy away from her. Its so hard when you have children, i didnt realise before i fell pregnant how bad some situations can become when children are involved.
I hope your life gets easier with the money problems, and thankyou for listening to me :) x
I am a bit of a ranter on fathers rights - being that I am the partner of a man who's been screwed left right and centre regarding his kids. However.... It is never (imo) in the best interest of children for their parents to remain together just for the sake of the children. Even if a couple can remain civil the chldren will know that they're not happy. it can do a huge amount of damage to children to live in an unhappy environment. It would be much better for them for ther parents to be apart (as long as they are able to see both as much as they want and parents can both be grown up about the whole thing). Would you want your daughter to have the same kind of relationship as you have when she's older? Money can always be sorted out - your debt may seem huge but it's not that bad as someone suggested the CAB will help you. Good luck :o)
the thing is, if we were to split i would only want him to see our daughter while i am there at my home because he just cant be trusted to take her. His family are heavy drinkers (every night they drink) They have all been banned from seeing my daughters cousins because of the drinking. i would never want to stop them seeing my daughter but i would never let them take her while i am not there because i would worry for her safety. When i first got with my partner he used to have his son in the pub with him all the time (he was 2 at the time) and i dont want that for my daughter. I dont drink myself and i dont alow anybody to be drinking around my daughter which is why i dont like my partner coming home drunk because he can turn abusive. last night he came in at 1am and i wouldnt open the door, he tryed breaking the door in our living room by kicking it in, 2 police cars then turned up and my daughter was woken by it all. My partner is on a suspended sentance and if he gets arrested he will go straight to prison so i stuck up for him because i didnt want my daughter to lose out. Its these things that happen every week and its very unfair on me my daughter and our neighbours. But its hard to make my partner realise what he is doing is wrong. He is 28 next month and acts like a free and single 18 year old with no responsibility. it annoys me that he has 2 children but doesnt play up to the role. he is a fantastic dad when hes not drinking.
He has gone through councilling for the drink and drugs but nothing seems to help. The worst part is his family make things worse by offering him drink and basically encouraging him to drink (as they are in the pub 3 nights a week and drink at home the other 4 nights) its a very hard situation to be in. i will never stop him seeing our daughter as it is unfair to her but at the same time it is so difficult to ever alow him to take her anywhere. Plus his ex (who he has a son with) is very manipulative and for some reason thinks she plays a role in my daughters life, so i would worry that he would be having my daughter around her as well (im not being sour but she has caused so many problems for me over the past few years including abusing me infront of our 2 children. Oow dear why cant things be simple hmmm! maybe i should have thought about this before i got involved with somebody with a son and a bad reputation.
The main thing that has ruined our relationship is the *LIES*.
He CONSTANTLY lies about everything for example:
Where he has been
how much money he has
if hes been drinking
if hes taken drugs
who he has spoken to on the phone.
I always find out and its always his druggy friends that he has been on the phone to or been out with. I dont want to blame anybody else because i know it is him and him only.
I check our joint account bank balance online everyday and i always tell him to leave the money thats in there alone because we have a bill coming out so what does he do, go to a cash point 10 minutes after ive asked him not to touch it and withdraw the whole lot then blank point lie to me that he has taken any money out when i know he has. he tells me the bank has made a mistake! (what every day!)
Its little things like this that has made my life hell but he thinks im a possesive money orientated cow. he calls me a bad mother when hes in a mood (i think he only says that because he knows himself that he is being a bad father at times)
He CONSTANTLY lies about everything for example:
Where he has been
how much money he has
if hes been drinking
if hes taken drugs
who he has spoken to on the phone.
I always find out and its always his druggy friends that he has been on the phone to or been out with. I dont want to blame anybody else because i know it is him and him only.
I check our joint account bank balance online everyday and i always tell him to leave the money thats in there alone because we have a bill coming out so what does he do, go to a cash point 10 minutes after ive asked him not to touch it and withdraw the whole lot then blank point lie to me that he has taken any money out when i know he has. he tells me the bank has made a mistake! (what every day!)
Its little things like this that has made my life hell but he thinks im a possesive money orientated cow. he calls me a bad mother when hes in a mood (i think he only says that because he knows himself that he is being a bad father at times)
It may be the kick up the bum he needs to get himself sorted out. He may realise what he could loose is more important than drinking. What I found with my ex was that loving each other wasn't enough. You can love each other to death but if you don't make each other happy then it doesn't work. I hope it all goes well for you :o)
I lived very similar to you for many many years as my ex was very controlling and abusive also.
To cut a very long and painful story short, I left 2 and half years ago and went to live in a refuge with my baby son.
ALL the debts etc will get sorted as you can go to the CAB who will help you even if you can just pay a �1 a week.
My life is much happier now and better.
I work full time now, have my own council house and a car.
No one will ever treat me like my ex did ever again.
Go and speak to women's aid who will help you with what to do from here.
Good luck xx
To cut a very long and painful story short, I left 2 and half years ago and went to live in a refuge with my baby son.
ALL the debts etc will get sorted as you can go to the CAB who will help you even if you can just pay a �1 a week.
My life is much happier now and better.
I work full time now, have my own council house and a car.
No one will ever treat me like my ex did ever again.
Go and speak to women's aid who will help you with what to do from here.
Good luck xx
arr hun i'm going through the exact same :(
STILL trying to find my way out of it after a year of being unhappy... no sure how im gonna do it because i know for a fact he will kick off and scare me that much into not leaving him, calls me names and allsorts (never hit me tho) just throws things around in a temper acting like a kid!
Im 22 and he is 28,
I love him but he is such an a**hole!!!!
He has got me into �5000 debt (mainly by pressuring/forcing me into signing things in my name) using his anger and putting me down
I have court next week im sh*tting myself never been to court nor been in debt before... he is not helping me what so ever to get it all clear buys all sorts of cr*ppy gadgets with his money instead, i cant do this on my own no one will help me i am so stuck now...
I have no confidence i hate leaving the house i just feel trapped! he has a child from a previous relationship too (who he doesn't see) he doesnt drink or do drugs but he is on medication which can make him loopy sometimes
i feel so sorry for you and know exactly how you feel
Im gonna be going to citizens advice tommorrow and see if they can help (fingers crossed) im going to give it a month see if he is willing to contribute if not then i would have made my mind up even if me and my son have to stay in a refuge for a while anything would be better then how i am now
sorry if i haven't been much help, you are more then welcome to e-mail me
Hope all goes well for you xxx
STILL trying to find my way out of it after a year of being unhappy... no sure how im gonna do it because i know for a fact he will kick off and scare me that much into not leaving him, calls me names and allsorts (never hit me tho) just throws things around in a temper acting like a kid!
Im 22 and he is 28,
I love him but he is such an a**hole!!!!
He has got me into �5000 debt (mainly by pressuring/forcing me into signing things in my name) using his anger and putting me down
I have court next week im sh*tting myself never been to court nor been in debt before... he is not helping me what so ever to get it all clear buys all sorts of cr*ppy gadgets with his money instead, i cant do this on my own no one will help me i am so stuck now...
I have no confidence i hate leaving the house i just feel trapped! he has a child from a previous relationship too (who he doesn't see) he doesnt drink or do drugs but he is on medication which can make him loopy sometimes
i feel so sorry for you and know exactly how you feel
Im gonna be going to citizens advice tommorrow and see if they can help (fingers crossed) im going to give it a month see if he is willing to contribute if not then i would have made my mind up even if me and my son have to stay in a refuge for a while anything would be better then how i am now
sorry if i haven't been much help, you are more then welcome to e-mail me
Hope all goes well for you xxx
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