family photos

[delta733]

My partner and i are going to get family photos taken next week. his brother and sister are also going to get pictures of their familys. My partners mother wants a pic of all the granchildren the problem is that my eldest son who lives with us is not my partners son. So the mother has asked for some photos to be taken with in her words only the biological granchildren. I spoke to her about it say as my son will be there i feel he would be hurt esp as he calls her gran and she puts gran on his birthday and xmas cards but she feels that she is doing nothing wrong by asking for this. Although i dont agree, to keep the peace i offered to have photos with my partners two children who live with their mum and our son another time when the eldest is not there. Am i being unfair? I find it really difficult to get over it as i dont want my boys treated differently. She is also adopted so just because someone is not biologically related she should know they are no less part of the family

[ummmm]

I wouldn't get them done....end of. All children or no children.

[sara3]

she's in the wrong, don't give in to this.. it would really upset your step-son. shame on her!

bloody families.. don't you just love em? ;o)

[delta733]

I totally agree i think its all or none. her reason is if my partner and i split she wont see my eldest again so would save her taking it down. think she doesnt understand what she is asking. she is asking to leave a child out of family pictures he would not understand why

[ummmm]

If you and your partner split then your son in the picture is a reminder of the past and in my opinion should be cherished. Will his other children just wipe him out of their memories if you split....errrr no.

[delta733]

very true. thanks at least i feel i have done the right thing while starting a new family war ahhhh the joys

[redcrx]

How cruel of her. How dare she suggest such a thing.

I agree, all or none!

[annie0000]

What a cow! - definitely in the wrong. My brother's wife had a little girl already when they got together and my mum has always treated her as her grandaughter the same as all the rest - she has a little girl herself now and that is my mums great grandaughter - never has any difference been made. How would she feel if you excluded your partners two sons from your family photos? - which to be fair would not be so much of an issue as they dont live with you. How old is your son?

[brenda]

I was an adopted child, and left out of lots of photos at the request of grandparents.This was more than 50 years ago , and the hurt of rejection never goes away, believe me. So please don't make your child unhappy or sad for the rest of his life, when it comes back into his mind.

[dothawkes31]

That's awful, it could split a family up could that, she needs to have a word with herself

[delta733]

my son is ten. The mother has now been round at my partners brothers house crying and gettin in a state about it all. even tho i look at it as she asked we said no but i was willing to arrange another time to make her happy. she cant accept she is not getting what she wants so my partner is gettin texts from his brother reminding him how much the mum has done for him and how can he do this and make her so unhappy. i also got text saying would it really be that bad my son not in some pics even tho i explained he was hurt. Also got told to not force him on them. Told my partner I want nothing more to do with them My family is seperate. I cant believe they would hurt a child to get what they want.

[ummmm]

Don't back down....listen to Brenda.

[jno]

you're right, she's wrong, but hey, it's only a photo; is it worth going to war over? Take a photo without your son and send it to her; take a photo with your son and keep it for yourselves and for everyone else.

[delta733]

she has a pic without my son. and i offered to get another one but its like it has to be done that day. It feels like she has dug her heels in and thats whats she wants and thats it. there is no compromise

[delta733]

she took the pic of the kids when my son was not there. I ust dont want us all going somewhere to get them done properly and then hav to ask him to stand aside. The whole thing makes my blood boil. as a result we hav cancelled geiing our photos getting done but the row is still going on

[jno]

it's your photo session, you can choose who's in the photos; but I'd still be wary of stoking up family wars unless you're genuinely prepared for the possibility that she'll never speak to any of you again.

(For what it's worth I was once in a somewhat similar situation, I did as you did... and I have since been cut off from that side of the family. I don't actually mind, but I do think you should be ready for the worst-case scenario.)

Incidentally, where's your partner stand on all this?

[dothawkes31]

Basically, what the gran is doing is deciding when and where she chooses to be your sons grandmother, ask her whether she would be happy playing a none family role when he gets married and seeing only his 'natural' gran siting on the top table at the his wedding in years to come? The woman sounds uncaring and should really think about what she is implying, in future should your son not send her a gran card, or call her gran?

[lotsafun]

how awful of her, stick to your guns and say no. its all or nothing, let her carry on crying to the rest of the family, i would rather have her crying than my 10 year old! What has your partner said, is he backing you up?

[dothawkes31]

Also, if your partner has legally adopted or intends to legally adopt your son, then in the future he has the same legal right to inherit from your grandmother and any other relative in your family who dies intestate, she should think about that too, as her alternative would be to leave him out of her will, how cruel a woman would she be to stoop that low.

[lotsafun]

i personally would print out everyones answers on her and give them to her for food for thought.

[delta733]

it was my partner that said no first. she asked for a photo to be taken of only his biological kids and another one of all the biological grankids but does want one with all kids including mine. He refused it sayin my son felt like his. my mum died so my eldest was really excited when he had someone that he felt would be like a gran to him. I hav already told him to stop calling her gran. the way they all seem to carryon i would not mind a bit being cut off. she would be the one hurt at would lose two gransons not just one. I just feel sorry for my partner too he is in an awful situation.