bad mother

[dyli795]

are there any mothers out there who dont live with their children and feel ridden with guilt about it? ive lived apart from mine for 4 years, and even though i have them at weekends , i feel like ive let them down. is there any help for me as i live in torment. im close to tears now writing this. i feel like ive chosen my boyfriend as he was then, over my children. and i cant cope with the guilt. i feel im a bad mother.

[randomsasha]

I have 2 1/2 year old twins who havent lived with me for a year now. I suffered a major breakdown and spent quite a lot of time in hospital. Although I see them everyday i still feel really guilty, especially now as i have a new baby. They're very jealous of him, because when they leave, he stays. Theyre very happy where they are and thats a comfort to me. I did hope to have them home sooner than this, and I cry almost everyday about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mother, but I know theyre happy and that right now, its for the best. They would be miserable if they had been living with me at my worst times and I know theyre being cared for properly, and have a close relationship with their carer.

If your children are happy, then you're not a bad mother.

[mycatis]

My best friend was raised by her dad after her mum left. Her mum felt guilty about it for years but she doesnt blame her. They are very close now.

[suzi-q]

You obviously care very deeply about your children and therefore Im sure they enjoy their time with you. If you and their father are caring for them between you and you are spending happy time with them, you are doing the best you can and what works for you. At the end of the day, who wrote the blue print for a perfect mother?

If it helps, my 2 boys live with me and their stepdad. The youngest 16 gets on fine with him. The eldest doesnt get on well with him at all and has become very withdrawn, resentful and reserved in my company as well as his stepdads. I've tormented myself over the decision to stick with my partner because I love him and dont want a future without him. Should I have given up this happiness for my son who was 16 when we met is now 18. Would he have been any happier if I was on my own - or would he still be a moody 18 yr old?

Just as you have had to, we all have to make choices and we do the best we can at that moment in time. Even if the decisions arent the ones the perfect mum would make - where is this perfect mum? Ive never met one. Please dont beat yourself up. You havent abandoned your kids, just found another way of caring for them. Dont look back, look to the future and make this work for all of you. Give your children your love, make your times together special and Im sure they will remember those times in years to come .
All the best to all of you xxx

[dyli795]

i have just read all my replys . i have tears rolling down my cheeks as i read. i so wanted to know someone in the same position as i have no one who understands. your replys have been like a balm for my aching heart. yes they seem happy enough but its the guilt for those lost years as i call them that i havnt been there full time for them. my appreciation for taking the time to help me. dylis

[mycatis]

Aw dyli795, you've started me off now lol
As suzi-q says, you obviously care deeply about your children, and in my books that makes you a good mother! One who puts her childrens happiness first. try not to worry too much x

[kazzianne]

Well I cried reading that you had cried!! I had to leave my kids with their dad when they were 3,7 and 9 .Even though I tried to have them every weekend my ex made things very hard and told them I I ofter didnt see them for months.They went through phases of hating me,ignoring Mothers day etc,and I lost count of the times I was called a terrible mother by my family.

[kazzianne]

Continuation of previous......I let them all get away with murder when I did see them purely out of guilt - I should have never left them with him.And they were all out of control.But then a wonderful thing happpened - I met my current partner a yr and a half ago.He met them all,watched me with them and then sat me down and told me I was a fantastic woman who had become a doormat thru guilt.I toughened up,decided the past was the past,and now my kids not only stay with me every other weekend,but on Mothers day just gone they got me a card saying"To the Bestest Mum in the Whole Wide World." I cried buckets.

[dyli795]

thanks kazianne. ive only just read your answer.i didnt expect to get any more answers. every reply helped me in a different way but i think ill take the guilt to my grave. i too overcompensate by spoiling and making allowances. so does my ex husband and little comments by them like"ive never known what it was like to have a mum and dad together" send me on a downward spiral. the fact that youve been where i am and overcome the guilt, gives me some hope.heartfelt thanks for caring. that in itself is a tonic. dylis