bednobs update - not good news i'm afraid

[bednobs]

hi all, just posting to let you all know how i am doing as some of you have been very kind to ask i think it will be quite helpful to me to write down wahts in my mind anyway.
Unfortunately, when i went for my obs appointment this week, thye found that the baby has not grown enough since the last scan. This is owing to placental insufficiency -the placenta is not giving the baby all it needs. The only rememdy is to deliver, but the baby is too small to survive (showing at 22.5 weeks, despite me being 26 weeks) and it is only 1lb.
This is really too awful to even write down, but i now just have to wait for the baby to die and then deliver. I have to have another scan next week, or if i stop feeling movemenents before then, ring up and go in to be induced. There are so many things going through my head, yet i know there is worse to come. I have an overwhelming feeling of having let everyone down. This baby was so wanted and i couldn't even look after it. I am 36 now and probably wont have another chance, even if i did want to try. I just have sat at home for the last few days, watching dvd's and surfing because as soon as i stop i start to think, about what labour will be like, about silly things like funerals, registering a birth and death on the same day, whether you can even get a dead baby christened, things i can't say out loud, wondering if i want to go on, all the while both dreading and anticipating any movements because each one is like a knife in the heart
I know this is heavy stuff for what is essentially a frothy website, and i'm sorry, i just need to get it out

[B00]

"prefered" is obviously my new word! I do seem to have inserted it in at every opportunity!

[marval]

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.


Very sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you.

[B00]

My God marvel, that's heart wrenching- very beautiful though.

[micmak]

Marvel that is truly wonderful.

[marval]

Thank you, I don't know who wrote it though, but I hope the words give them a little comfort

[Dris]

I hope you get comfort from marvals very poignant verse.
My thoughts are with you and your partner at your sad loss -take care x
Lovely name you gave your daughter.

[bednobs]

boo that is so helpful, thanks. i hope my mum feels the same!

[sherrardk]

So sorry to hear your sad news. (I know you don't know me, but if you would like my email address than I would willingly give it to you.) Take care, xxx

[B00]

Bednobs- whether she feels the same or not, im sure she'll comply with whatever wishes you and your husband have/want on this occasion.

You both need time to grieve privately for your daughter, and im almost positive if she's anything like you, she'll respect that and leave you to it.

[tamborine]

So painful for you both bednobs, hold each other close and grieve together. Nothing will replace your loss. My deepest sympathies to both of you. xx

[DEN53]

I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss, bednobs. I can't begin to imagine the pain you and your partner are suffering right now. Love Den xxx

[pussnboots]

I would definately go with Boos advice, you and your husband should be the only ones at the service with your baby. xx

[bednobs]

TBH not even sure i want to go myself, but i cN'T let mr B do it on his own!

[boxtops]

Bednobs - I am so sorry, everyone has said it so movingly, particularly marval's poem. My thoughts are with you and mr b, and thinking of your little one. God bless you all ♥

[pussnboots]

You must go bednobs, your emotions are all over the place at the moment and you may regret not going in the future. There are things I should have done when my baby died and now regret not doing when it's too late.

[B00]

No, dont let him do it on his own bednobs, he's grieving too. As daft as it sounds, if necessary be the stronger partner at the service. All too often people forget the daddy is also going through grief too.

If you feel up to it, keep us updated, we're all thinking of you xxx

[bednobs]

thanks, not sure if i said this already but over the last 2, 3 weeks he has been strong, but he's also been vulnerable at times sobbing, crying etc, which has been "nice" because on a few occasions it's allowed me to feel strong too. When we were talking to the bereavement midwife she was saying that often men go back to work quickly (because either they have to or because they want to resume some normality) and thats when you can get some problems - the partners' grief processes diverge somewhat one partner can start tot hink "how come he can carry on as normal" wheile he might start to think "come on, pull yourself together, i have!"
Although i will always be separated by silence from my daughter, i am determined not to be silent with him

[looobylooo]

oh bednobs .... im so so sorry xx

there is nothing i can say that hasnt already been said so well already by everyone else...

thank you for telling us what happened .... i hurt inside reading it, and im welled up now as i type ....

for you and mr b, it must be so hard and painful for you at such a difficult time, but please stay strong...

i know you dont know me, but i send my love and best wishes to you xxx {{{hugs}}}

[redcrx]

sweet dreams, baby Heather xx